A Ghost's Romance
by Hot4Gerry
Summary: If he is to survive Erik must relinquish all of Christine to Raoul. Only his memories will go with him and give solace when despair threatens to drown him in self-pity. Will he be able to recognize another love if one should cross his path? E/OW
1. Chapter 1

**A Ghost's Romance**

**Chapter One**

**The Last Good-bye**

Winter has come and snow will soon be falling covering all with its white purity. I suppose this time of year is fitting for me to say my last farewell to the woman who has held me in thrall for too long with too little in return. If I am to survive I must sever every connection with Christine. Leaving the country is the only way to do that. Staying in France it is far too likely I will hear of her and her newly acquired husband Raoul de Chagny often enough for it to cripple me with every word of their happiness that reaches my ears or every picture printed in papers reporting the happy couple's merry existence.

The day they wed I sat perched in the darkened rafters as they exchanged their vows of love and devotion. A dagger to my heart would have inflicted no less pain than to hear her sweetly declare before God and countrymen that she would have that boy, Raoul as her husband. The final words entwining their lives, their very souls for eternity, felt as if death hovered over me. Gladly would I have welcomed him to take me out of my misery. No such pardon for my sins had been granted to me for I was left to suffer witnessing once again Raoul's triumph over me.

For several weeks afterward a bottle of cheap wine or anything containing alcohol had been my only companion. I cannot say what ultimately dragged me out of the pit I had placed myself in. Perhaps in a drunken stupor I had imagined my love, my dear sweet Christine, crying over me, begging me not to end it this way. She perhaps implored me to take one last chance to make some sort of life outside in the real world, the world where light and darkness have equal opportunity to claim a portion of the day. If I dreamed her lips once again caressed me with a mixture of love and compassion maybe that had been what spurred my interest in life once more. Vaguely I can remember just such dreams but as hard as I try nothing will solidify so I may see the truth of my own imagination. If I were a man of whimsy I might say a real Angel of Mercy had visited me.

Whatever the case may be I did climb out of that darkness to find my way into a life, or as close to a life as a ghost can claim to have. Interacting with people is still not something I readily accept. Being a man of considerable wealth has its advantages. Money can buy necessities as well as the service of others. For the right price men and women are willing to overlook the oddity I present with my mask. My mask is not only figurative but of substance as well. I daresay if it were removed I would show another mask to the world, a mask of uncaring cruelty. That mask I have worn for many years in my younger days when I traveled the world striking out before anyone could do me any harm whether that had been their intention or not.

Foolishly I had left the safety of L'Opéra Populaire when the urge to see beyond my safe boundaries led me astray. For five years I had left the opera house returning when I had gorged myself on the ugliness of the world and the atrocities man committed against man all in the name of progress or perceived divine right.

One bright spot in all that disenchantment with the world had been Madame's heartfelt gladness to learn of my return. She had not even minded when I took up being the opera house ghost or phantom to some. Superstitious idiots that those artists were it had been all too easy to dupe them into believing not one but two specters haunted them. One demanded a salary and box five while the other made no demands but caused all manner of disruptions and fright among the staff.

I have left all of that behind me, for good this time. Never will I return to my opera house. Letters have been written to Madame and Christine as well. Delivery of those missives will not take place until I have been long gone from France. Instructions concerning the account set up for Madame Giry and her daughter Meg have been included in her letter. A sizeable amount has been deposited as a way to repay years of loyal service. The one and only time she had shown me any disloyalty had been when she showed the Vicomte the way to my home. Lucky for her she had not gone any further than the third cellar. One cellar down and she would have fallen through the stairs and landed in one of my traps, the very one that Raoul had just barely escaped with his life. I would not have forgiven myself if Madame's service to me had come to such a violent end.

With the passage of time and a clearer head, I have come to realize she did nothing more than what a concerned mother would have done, given aid to the man who would try to save her daughter, always Christine has been like a second daughter to Antoinette. How strange it is to allow myself to think of her so personally, Antoinette, a beautiful name. Throughout our association I dare not let her come to mean more to me than a means to acquire the things I needed and wanted. I am and perhaps to some extent will always be a selfish man. Having little as a child other than cruelty does not give one liberty to run roughshod over others just because it is possible to do so. Those damn Gypsies, the bane of my childhood for nearly five years have much to answer for as do I.

I can't change my past but perhaps I have learned from it and can make my future a better one than I had seen for myself in a long time. Knowing Christine will never be a part of that future does not come easily for me. I have grieved ceaselessly for so long now I know no other way to deal with her loss. Separation, complete and final separation is the only thing I can think of to do. Distance, many thousands of miles must be put between me and my angel, my love, for I fear I may weaken and try one last time to win her. I mustn't let myself be swayed by my own longings for her. I may love her with every breath I take but her love for me is but a pale shadow of the love she feels for the man who stood by her side proudly defying family and propriety by marrying a young woman many would say beneath him socially as well as economically.

Love such as that boy's, no, I must give him proper respect and refer to him as Raoul. Raoul has shown himself to be a man of honor. In the cemetery his sword hovered not an inch from my heart but a plea from Christine had saved me even as his lust for vengeance burned within him just as hotly as it did in me. He could have sent men after me. He has the means to put a high price on my head. None of those things have come about because he loves Christine too much to do any of those things as it would hurt her as well as Madame and perhaps to some lesser degree, Meg.

I do regret not availing myself of Meg's companionship over the years. Madame had wanted to make me known to Meg but my fear of having her reject me kept that from happening. I know that Madame had wanted to bring me into her family when she married. Too many times my face had earned me nothing but fear and loathing. Mother I am sure could attest to that as her own rejection for those very reasons cut me the most of any others in my life. Not even Christine's rejection pains me as much as my own mother's turning from me disgusted by what she saw. If I had been the perfect son she had expected never would I have ended up a display in a fair run by the cruel hands of my gypsy captors.

Their way to deal with me had been to keep me locked up just as they did all their animals. The small child given into their care out of desperation had been treated as less than human. After a while I do suppose much of my humanity had been either beaten or starved out of me. Nothing can come of regrets or what ifs. Only looking ahead will end my torment. With this vast world God has created there must be one place where a man such as I can find if not love, then at least acceptance and peace.

Looking at them all the day of Christine's wedding silently I had wished them happiness and one last farewell. If my eyes lingered longest on one face so be it. I should be allowed that one last lingering glance. That is all I will have to sustain me perhaps for the rest of my life. It was hard to breathe normally as I watched Christine and Raoul embrace. The kiss they shared brought the sting of tears to my eyes and an all too familiar ache to my chest. Countless times I have begged God to tear every memory of Christine from my mind in the hope I might find some peace. Immediately after such prayers I thank God for having brought Christine into my life. Those years with her although mixed with pain and pleasure I would not change but those last few months of my insanity I would dearly love to amend. I daresay the pleasure will linger long after the pain.

I had watched the couple walk down the aisle toward the doors at the back of the church. For a moment Christine paused as if she could feel the intensity of my stare. She did look up just where I had been sitting crouched in a dark corner. No one could possibly have seen me but I felt she could sense me. Our connection has not been fully broken then if she had sensed my presence. I had to steel myself against dropping down and committing one final heinous act. I stayed rigid as every muscle tensed with the effort for control. My pledge to release her warred with the beast in me to vanquish my rival and bring my angel back under my wings. It cannot be. It was not written in the stars for the two of us to be together forever. As much as I have wished it, begged for it, I know it will not ever be. Finally I relinquished my Angel into the hands of her lover.

With a tentative smile Christine had lowered her head. With her right hand she plucked out a single red rose. Lowering her hand she let it slid from her fingers. Woe to anyone who so much as looked at her offering to me. She, as well as I, knew this was the last of our encounters. I have set her free now I must find a way to free myself from her.

Even after the last guest had gone I remained paralyzed. To take one step out of that place would once and for all sever the ties between Christine and I, at least on her part. Closing my eyes to gather my courage and strengthen my conviction, I had at last been able to move from my place of vigilance. Using the same rope to go down that I used to climb up slowly I made my way to the place near the door where Christine dropped that perfect red rosebud. Symbolic or not I will always believe this was Christine's way to let me know she had and still did love me and care what happened to me. This memento will be added to many others, some from reality and some from the imaginings of my mind.

I had taken a seat in the pew letting my fingers fondle the delicate petals. Christine reminds me of a rose freshly picked but not yet opened to full life. For me she had just begun to blossom. Turning from a beautiful child into an equally beautiful woman it should not have surprised me or anyone else I fell madly, deeply, irrevocably in love with her. Even her voice held a purity and loveliness not many could match. When our voices meshed so perfectly during the performance of Don Juan Triumphant I felt certain she would see how perfectly suited we were. There is more to love than suitability as proven when Raoul ignored all those who would say Christine beneath his notice. His nature had been to protect no matter the cost to himself. Over and over he has shown himself to be a man of honor and integrity. His one deviation had been the night of that last performance when he along with those two idiot managers had made an all out declaration of war between them and the Phantom by attempting to capture him.

If Raoul could have foreseen what would happen he would not have carried out his plan. His weakness had been to underestimate just to what lengths a man would go when desperate to claim something that meant everything to him. In hindsight I have thought that perhaps I had hoped not to survive that night. Cutting down the chandelier had put not only my own life in jeopardy but Christine's and everyone in that opera house. I had not cared what happened to any of those people. They were so much rubbish to be disposed of on my road to achieve my goal.

Even now I recall bringing that fragrant bud to my face and inhaling deeply. Always this perfume will bring my Angel to me in mind if not in body. Tenderly I had dragged it across my lips remembering just how soft Christine's mouth had been when pressed against my own. Those two salutations have replayed in my mind countless times as I am sure they will continue to do for many months, perhaps even years to come. Most males experience their first kiss in their youth. For me it had been in my thirties and as a way to persuade me to be more man than monster.

Standing with resolution I had made my way to the doors. No sound came from outside. I had been very happy to learn this country church would be the place where Christine and Raoul were to be married. I remember opening the doors and breathing in deeply. The air smelled of sweet freedom. The crisp early winter air frosted with my exhalation of breaths. In the distance I could see a line of carriages traveling on the road that would end at the de Chagny's country estate.

Whistling loudly I awaited my mounts arrival. A snicker could be heard in reply. Apparition came trotting out of the woods looking much like his name. Pure white muscled beast that he is, Apparition compliments the darker inner side of me as well as the darker outer skin I wear. A more gentle animal I have never come across. His intelligence in comparison to most humans is astounding. Like me, he had been sold to the gypsies or stolen from someone by them. The means by which he came to be with them had not mattered to me. What had mattered had been the whip across his back when he could not pull the weight his master demanded he pull.

Loneliness had been what had brought me out that night nearly three months ago. As much as I deny wanting anything to do with humanity that rejected me, I still must seek out others even if I never let them see or hear me. I had heard Apparition's shrill cries of pain over the crowd and all the other sounds at the fair. A cry of pain I could recognize among a thousand voices of happiness.

The crack of the whip on flesh made a sound that had brought painful memories back to me from my childhood. Without even thinking about being seen I had set upon that man holding the whip before it even entered my mind as a thought to do so. Only the need to extricate myself and that magnificent beast had forced me to leave that poor excuse for a human being alive that night. I had rendered him unconscious as well as leaving a few very painful reminders that I had been there.

Once I had calmed the frightened animal I soothed him with my voice. Eventually he had calmed enough for me to risk touching him. I had patted his nose and he playfully nudged me back. He can sense my moods just as I can at times sense his. He does not care for my darker moods and shows that to me by acting contrary so as to gain my full attention. Cleverly he has learned how to pick my pockets so as to relieve me of my handkerchiefs. He knows this trick will bring a smile to my lips when nothing else will. Being an animal perhaps he doesn't equate smiles with happiness but the sound of my laughter that follows the smile I am sure has a better sound than my growling and cursing at the world in general.

Forcibly my mind battled with my heart that last day when the last few seconds ticked past all too quickly. I had allowed myself one last, long, lingering look toward my beloved. The carriages had all passed over the horizon. Lifting the rose to my lips I whispered the words of love for the last time. I will not have the chance to ever declare my love to Christine again. Not today or perhaps not tomorrow, but someday I will be able to put the love I feel for her in a place where pleasant but fruitless dreams belong. Until then I will have her rose to fill me with her essence for the short time it holds life.

That sad painful day I bid farewell to my love. I bid her to live happily without her Angel of Music even if he shall die in despair never knowing another love such as what he felt for her.

**A/N: Please, please, please review and give me your opinion. I don't think my love and dreams for Erik will ever come to an end. There will always be new loves and new lives for him to live. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable holiday. As always please read and review. **

**Chapter Two**

**Crossroads **

**Hannah's POV**

I do wish I could cry for Clayton as he has so few people who care for him. A person should have more than three people to mourn their passing. Two of those are bewildered children. I know I am crying for I can feel the wet trickle of tears rolling down my cheeks. My tears are for the children he left behind and a few for me. The droning on and on of Reverend Hanover is beginning to feel like spikes being driven into my skull. What I want most at the moment is to go home and comfort my two wonderful stepchildren as best as I can. How does one explain to a seven and four year old that Daddy will not be sitting in his chair smoking his pipe ever again? His boots will no longer trip you when he leaves them in front of the back door instead of to its side. What explanation should they be told as to why he has gone to be with his real wife, their mother, in heaven? I never really thought of myself as Clayton's wife. My role had been more of surrogate mother and housekeeper.

Neither child had a rapport with their father as he hadn't the least idea how to be a caregiver for children. He hadn't wanted children at all. His wife had been enough for him but she had wanted children. Her son Nicholas had almost killed her and then Nicole had come along placing too much of a strain on a woman with an already weak constitution. From what Clayton told me his wife's death had taken any desire he had to continue on but for the sake of the children she had loved and given her life to bare he would live up to his responsibility as best as he could. Often he cried because he could not love his children as a father should. As I would hold him trying to give him comfort he would tell me how blessed he had been the day I had answered his ad for a wife. He would not hear of me denying I had done anything noble. In his eyes I suppose it would seem that way but the truth of the matter is circumstance had driven me to reply to his ad more than any wish to do so.

No one has said it out loud but I know the men on that cattle drive think it had been Clayton who caused the stampede that took his life. That last drive had been the only one he had participated in as he could barely keep his seat on a horse. It doesn't really matter the cause the end result is the same. Two children now have no natural parent and I am now a widow with very little prospects. The ranch I can only assume will be taken over by the bank. The only hope I have is to convince Mr. Eaton that it would be best for me and the men to keep running the ranch as we have until a buyer can be found. By God's grace Roland is out of town or he'd be knocking the bank door down before Clayton's body could be placed in the ground. Lucky for him a business trip took him out of town or loose-jawed people would have had him setting the herd to running trampling everything in their path. For so long that man tried to buy Clayton's ranch. I think stubbornness on Clayton's part more than any desire to keep the ranch had him rejecting every offer Roland made.

If worse comes to worse I may have need to reconsider Roland's attentions. It is not his looks which caused me to deny him any personal contact with me. Avoiding his advances have become something of a trial. Being an extraordinarily handsome man with wealth beyond comprehension, it has never occurred to him that someone would deny him anything he wanted. I did not care for the way he talked down to Clayton. Admittedly Roland knew more about ranching or being a man to push before anyone could push him. He is a man's man. Why he singled me out baffles me. There are many single women who would do more than let him waltz them around the dance floor. Even I have wondered what it would feel like to have him kiss me. I never would have allowed that as it would have hurt Clayton's pride should the gossips get wind of it.

Clayton had tried to be discreet when he visited Miss Lizzy's Pleasure Palace but gossip still found its way to my ear. Another woman may have used that as an excuse to explore a relationship with Roland but I could not. My vows would not let me share with another something my husband should have by right but did not wish to take.

If only Clayton had more money or had known just a bit more about cattle ranching things might not have gotten so far out of hand. I know he did try his best but being stubborn about accepting help from anyone had been a very large stumbling block. None of that matters now as likely the children and I will be seeking a new place to live. Mr. Eaton, the banker, keeps giving me strange intense glances. I do think we shall have either a visit from him or he will send a note asking for my presence at the bank within the next few days.

Finally I hear amen coming from everyone around me. I hope no one noticed me lost in thought instead of listening to my husband's eulogy. Worry over what will happen next weighs heavily on my mind. I have no income at all, nothing to support myself or the children. It will do no good to curse Clayton for his weakness and lack of planning. Perhaps I should have taken steps to force him to see the truth about our situation and then he could have either accepted the offers of help from his neighbors or sold out before everything had been lost. Feeling sympathy for his suffering served no purpose other than to give him another crutch to lean on. Forcing him to deal with everything in a more realistic light would have served us better. Regrets will not put food on the table or clothes on our backs. Now I must be the one to face what life may hold for my family.

These two precious beings may not be of my blood but in every way they have been my children for nearly five years. I am the only mother Nicole has ever had and the only one Nicholas can remember clearly. I encourage them to look at pictures of their mother as it is only right she remains imprinted on their minds. I know they love me and I can share them with a woman who will never hold them, touch them or even tuck them into bed. Only my lips will give them their goodnight kisses. Having them lessens the ache I feel for not having nestled a child of my own underneath my bosom. There had been times I wanted to beg Clayton to give me that one thing most women crave above anything else. Women are natural nurturers. I will be content with the two entrusted to me and thank God for having them.

"Mama, will Daddy mind them putting all that dirt on him? I don't like dirt on me especially not my face."

"That's 'cause you're a sissy. Sissy Prissy. Nicole is a Sissy Prissy," Nicholas teases as he flounces around like he has seen Nicole do on occasions when she is trying to be a young lady.

The moment of sweetness coursing through me to hear Nicole call me mama has been cut short by Nicholas teasing Nicole. Normally he is very protective of his sister. I imagine his world is somewhat topsy-turvy just as Nicole's and mine are. Even as he taunts her I watch as he slips his hand in hers. Harmless teasing is better than crying from sadness.

Nicole doesn't look upset at all. I do think there is some grownup person hidden just underneath her skin because she is so perceptive of people and things around her. Trying to sound angry she says, "Take it back Nicky. If you don't you're gonna get warts on your tongue and your hair will turn…" she thought for a moment then triumphantly named her favorite color, "green, your tongue will turn green."

I don't have the heart to correct their grammar just now so I put my arms around them and pull them to my side. Looking down I force myself to calmly say, "Nicholas you should not tease your sister and Nicole you know very well that blond hair can only be changed to orange. Black hair turns green. Now if Nicholas had black hair he should be very worried and as for warts on his tongue, that will not likely happen. I am sure I read that warts will not grow where it is wet."

As I hoped they join hands and giggle at my silly observation and joining in their game. Nicholas pauses for a second then with not a glimmer of jest in his voice asks, "I suppose that means I'll have to take my bath now instead of just splashing my hands around in the water?"

Just in time I remember the solemn occasion and contain myself. Nearly choking as I stifle the burst of laughter working its way up my throat I respond with a straight face, "I suppose that would be best." The little scamp will need to be watched more closely during bath time.

Mr. Eaton pauses beside us removing the hat he had just placed on his head. Using his fingers he nervously turns it around and around. Clearing his throat and moving from one foot to another it is all I can do not to shout for him to stop procrastinating and tell me we must leave our only home. We both know I have no money or any means to earn any. What few belongings I had brought with me must be sold once we are turned out from our home. Tipping his head toward me in respect he at last gets to the point.

"Mrs. Garrison I know now is not the proper time to discuss what must be discussed but I did want to prepare you. I'll let you know about what the bank plans to do about your new circumstances. It will be necessary for you to come in and sign some papers." He glances down guiltily at the children as if it is his fault they may be out in the streets with winter coming on. Deliberately he had spoken vaguely so as not to frighten the children. For that I am grateful.

"I shall look forward to our next meeting." I hope I sound convincing as it isn't his fault we are in this mess. Once more I want to curse Clayton even while I feel sorrow for his loss on account of Nicholas and Nicole. Leaving his children in my care is another gift he has given me. They will not be shipped off to relatives they do not know and who did not write or visit their father while he lived. Not one of them answered my telegrams to say they may arrive late but they would perhaps arrive a day or two after the funeral. I am not exactly sure about the dynamics of his family but Clayton held resentment toward his father and brother until the day he died.

A week after the funeral Mr. Eaton sent a letter giving everyone leave to stay or go. Salaries would remain the same. The only difference had been the salary he had offered to me. I had never earned a penny for the things I have done for my parents or for Clayton. Of course one does not expect to earn money doing one's duty. The amount is not substantial but it does include room and board. The most important thing is the three of us shall remain here in our home, at least for a while longer.

It bothers me that both Nicholas and Nicole never ask about their father. If I did not know better I would think they had never had a father in their life at all. The blame for this can be rested on Clayton's shoulders. He made little effort to grow closer to the children. They loved him but it seemed like the sort of love one feels for a distant relative who makes an appearance in your life every once in a while. I don't think they have cried since the day of the funeral. A couple of days being very subdued then by the third day they were back to normal. Not being an expert on children and their psyche, I can't say if this behavior is a good thing or just a way to cover up a very traumatic experience.

I haven't gone into great detail about what may or may not happen. They only know someone else will be taking over from where their father left off. They haven't expressed any resentment. Speculation about who the next Land Baron may be keeps them and me entertained. They compete to see who can create the most outlandish characters to become my new partner. I have given up explaining that this new person and I will not have the same relationship as their father and I had. For them it is a simple matter of a man being the head of the household and a woman standing right there beside him.

For whatever time we have left here I want things to be as normal as possible. There will be plenty of time later to face reality. Come what may the children and I will be together and give comfort to one another. They may not be mine but I will fight tooth and nail to see they are safe and happy. I would do almost anything to that end.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**Affirmation of Life **

**Erik's POV**

Making a decision to enter life as a real person instead of a ghost or phantom has been easier than I imagined. Although I had traveled in my earlier days my mode of traveling had been less public than the sleeping car of a train or cabin on a boat that I make use of now. Back then I had kept my contact with others to a minimum. Often times I would stowaway in the cargo hold of whatever ship I chose and in the baggage car or livestock car of a train. Neither of those travel experiences had been pleasurable.

After being afloat for so long my body has taken on the gentle to and fro of the ship and my stomach has made the wise choice to stay put. For the first part of the journey I sat crouched on the floor with a bucket nearby. Weakness prevented me from moving once I had leaned against the cabin wall and slide to the floor weakly. I had been concerned Apparition would not fair well but it should not have surprised me that I hovered near death and he greedily ate every grain placed in his feed trough. I nearly praised God aloud the day I managed to keep a little food down as well as a glass of water. After a horrid beginning I was ready for things to improve.

If ever I should make a journey across the open seas again I shall make certain I am on a steam ship and not the old fashioned mode of travel reliant on wind and good weather. One long month of sea travel tends to make a person appreciate the solidity of the ground beneath their feet. I know I shall give a hearty thanks for the privilege of having unlimited space where I may once again feel unfettered by any constraints. Even the opera house afforded me much more space than this ship. After a week of expelling all but the lining of my stomach I could walk about my cabin and make it to the door to retrieve the trays left by the cabin boy. Once food and I became reacquainted desperation drove me out among the other passengers. My cabin, although spacious as compared to the lower deck cabins, reminded me of that cage I had been confined in when on display at the fair. Another minute without a different scene around me and I would surely have jumped overboard. I had counted every tile in my water closet, four hundred and fifteen one inch black and white tiles, with some twenty of those chipped and cracked.

On the ninth day out I could take it no longer and had to steel myself from racing above even if the deck had been crawling with passengers and bright as ten thousand candles. After the dinner hour, only a few of the more adventurous souls walk about the ship. Most believe crewmembers are allowed too much freedom where mingling with passengers is concerned and so stay in the lounge set up with tables for card games. Having no opinion either way as to the appropriatness of staff and passengers mingling I had gone out on deck to breath in the sweetest moist air imaginable. Filling my lungs to the point they threatened to burst had relieved most of my feelings of being trapped on a slowly sinking vessel. In fear of actually drowning I made it a habit to glance out the small porthole in the cabin. If I could see no water encroaching I had to assume the shipbuilder had not been a charlatan and knew his craft.

After that first night of freedom I came up earlier and earlier until one day it dawned on me several people had seen me, not only crewmembers and not one word had been said about denying a monster, such as myself, freedom to roam about in the light just as others had been doing this whole time while I festered away in my nearly airless cabin with thoughts of Christine inflicting near mortal blows to my spirit. This emboldened me to sit among other passengers for a meal. I chose the evening meal for obvious reasons. Contrary to my belief that my table mates would point, demand the hideous beast be shown the brig nothing of the sort happened. I had thought they would remain silent but with mixed feelings on the matter everyone spoke to me. They erroneously assumed I had been injured in some war, likely France's most recent troubles. I did not disabuse them of their assumption in fact my fertile imagination unfurled a tale so woeful as to be almost as pitiful as my true life's tale.

The remainder of the trip had been most enlightening. Conversations were much better when listened in on with the conversationalist's permission. If one could listen with interest, even if feigned, people would divulge the most private information. Being of a mind to enlarge my coffers, I listened to those blowhards as they bragged about this acquisition or that promising stock. A nod of the head with only a small quirk of the lips satisfied them that I actually listened or gave a damn about whose uncle or son had disgraced so-and-so's daughter or wife. I can't say that women were exactly held in higher regard than men as far as behavior, but all my adult life I had seen the female of the species as something to be revered as the vessel for the fruit of our loins. Even the theatre whores I saw as someone to treat less harshly than I would a man. By the end of the voyage my opinion had changed drastically.

Women I soon discovered could be just as vile and lustful as men, more so under the proper circumstances. I lost count of the affairs being proudly discussed each night when the men took leave of their women to smoke on deck. Tables would be set out each evening so the men could enjoy wine, a fine cigar and a game of chance. Not caring for tobacco in any form I declined to join the men. To my consternation that left me, a lone male, at a table of some eight women ready to throw off the restraints of society and lay bare all their sins and hopes for future sins. Opera house whores had nothing on those women as far as seducing men were concerned and receiving payment in coin or some valuable donation in some other form.

My eyes had well and truly been opened on the matter of women being saintly creatures. I now believe that Adam had done as much tempting as Eve in the Garden of Eden and Eve had used that to her advantage. Women were still to be given a certain amount of respect but it will not ever be done so in blind faith ever again.

I thought of my reaching New York as some sort of rebirth. Now I had a name, Erik Delacroix, I could travel wherever I wished money being in ample supply from all those years employed by L'Opéra Populaire. To receive the same service others took for granted one simply opened ones wallet and let those we wished to serve us peruse the contents held therein.

Soon I felt some unknown need stirring within me. Staying in a first class hotel had been a novelty in the beginning but in a short time I wanted my own home, one I filled with possessions that would reflect my taste. My goal to attend a performance in a theatre and enter legitimately as a patron who had purchased a ticket had been accomplished. I hadn't been able to get a box seat but that first performance sitting among others who had an equal footing with me, that performance, ah, I shall remember it and gain pride for having taken that step to conquer yet another of my demons.

Although I did not now mind having others around me New York had an overabundance of people. I had not yet fully acclimated myself to being around a vast number of fellow humans on a regular basis. To have company or not had been a right denied me for so long I daresay I will never take it for granted.

An agent, Roger Bradford, helped with finding a suitable property. My only stipulations were a smaller number of people yet not so far out of civilization that I could not find any cultural activities without having to travel for weeks to find it. While I waited to hear from my agent, I filled my days with learning as much as I could about this nation still in the infancy stage as far as growth and civilization were concerned. Whenever an opportunity presented itself I practiced my English. Coming from a theatrical background naturally I could speak several languages, none of them as fluently as my own native tongue but adequate for my purposes. It would serve me better to understand and speak English well. I would not have anyone taking advantage of me due to a lack of knowledge.

As much as I tried not to hold any opinions one way or the other I could not help but feel sympathetic for the plight of the indigenous people of what everyone now called The United States of America. I may feel sympathy yet still take advantage of what the country has to offer. It did please me that I, by coming here, would now be a part of the development of this nation simply by living here and being a contributing member of society. Once a person set foot on American soil the nation embraced them with open arms, or for the most part that sentiment holds true. Always there would be dissidents proclaiming their rights overshadowed the rights of others as their ancestors had come here first. What they neglected to point out was that they themselves were interlopers as this country had vast numbers of natives already in residence when the first white man set foot on Plymouth Rock.

Roger sent me a telegram from a place called Cheyenne, Wyoming. A large ranch had gone into foreclosure and the bank wished to sell the property, some 5000 acres. That number set my head in a spin trying to envision just how large the property would be in relation to a town, city or country. In the end it didn't really matter as my only concern was that it would be mine legally and I could do whatever I wanted with it or do nothing at all. Control would rest solely in my hands. Wishing to learn more about what might be my future home I researched this place, Cheyenne and Wyoming in particular, thoroughly. What I read amazed me. Women had the right to vote, they even held positions of importance. One even performed the duties of bailiff. The Union Pacific Railroad ran all the way to Cheyenne and beyond. This place seemed to be just what I needed.

Being so involved with researching what I now knew would be my new residence and making arrangements for travel, I hardly had time to think of less savory issues. Christine and my loss of her in my life seemed to be fading the more I anticipated what life would hold for me in the coming months. My love for her had not diminished but other things kept me from dwelling upon those past aches quite as often as I had before. It had been six months since I left France and all its painful reminders.

I vacillated between thinking of myself as a rancher and a ruggedly bearded trapper. In the end I let my beard grow and would dress as I thought a gunman or outlaw would dress. Not wanting to hold everyone at bay anymore that did not mean I wanted them to feel free to invade my privacy whenever the fancy struck them. Not being vain about my looks did not keep me from always wanting and getting the finest in men's fashion. I appreciate a fine cut of cloth. To that end I purchased fine black leather boots, proper trousers and shirts not made of the finest silks or Egyptian cottons but made of fine American quality cottons mass produced for durability rather than fashion.

The day I entered the gun shop I felt like a boy being let loose in a toy store having been told he may choose anything his heart desires. Strapping on the sidearm gave me an unfamiliar feeling of power similar to the sword and knives I often carried with me. I didn't have a clue how to use the thing and the first few times I practiced my quick draw I found myself glad to be alone. What a poor showing I made of that. I had fumbled with the gun as it came out of the holster and dropped it on the ground. Lucky for me I did not shoot myself in the process as nothing would have made me seek out medical attention having committed such an asinine mistake. I would need much more practice to even feel comfortable withdrawing the damn weapon. For now it will only be for show as I am a little concerned to load the gun with something that could make a rather nasty hole in my tender flesh. It does look impressive settled low on my hip. A new black hat perched on my head along with the black silk mask I now wore gave me a rakishly dangerous look. I do regret sometimes having abandoned my black wigs. My hair is almost dark enough to be thought black. Not having the wigs to hide the sparseness of hair on the right side of my head it became necessary to let my hair grow in length. I have looked in a mirror nearly every day and still have a hard time believing how much thicker my hair appears now. With the mask on it does not even matter as it covers a portion of my scalp over my left ear. If I let the hair overlap the mask that adds to the illusion I have a full head of hair.

To further my attempt to look menacing I cancelled the order for white shirts and ordered all black. Black trousers, black boots, black shirt, black mask and hat achieved the look I had wanted. To complete my formidable appearance I had ordered several fine pairs of black leather gloves. Looking into the mirror I almost found myself a little unsettled by the man reflected back at me. As the Phantom I had not gone out of my way to look fearsome, that part of my persona had come about naturally due to my diabolical actions. At that time I had wanted nothing more than to appear to be a man of refinement and culture yet my actions would have everyone believing otherwise. This man looking back at me now rather looked as I imagined one of those highwaymen would look like who traveled the roads of many European countries relieving the unsuspecting travelers of their valuables. The only part of me anyone can see is a small portion of the left side of my face and the shimmering green of my eyes, my lips and chin. If I squinted my eyes, that gave me a slightly evil expression. When I smiled it did not remove all trace of that highwayman but perhaps added a bit of seductive persuasion such as my character from Don Juan Triumphant would have displayed to his Aminta.

The driver of the cab I sent for to carry me to the railway station did seem rather nervous when I approached him. I think the concierge of my hotel anticipated just such a reaction as he had followed closely behind out of the hotel. Only his reassurances I would not be robbing, maiming or otherwise committing any nefarious actions swayed the driver to allow me to enter the confines of his cab. When I stepped out on the railway platform several people walked past me giving me a wide berth. Conversations went from normal tones to whispers. I overheard a group of men wondering which outlaw I was and it amused me to hear them arguing over whether I was this one or that one. They must not have feared any of those men as not one of them went to find a policeman. I had heard that many Americans had begun to idolize those men of the west who broke the law. People made heroes out of them even though many were outright murderers and thieves. A small number were men who had returned from the Civil War with nothing to return to and no place to call home. Everything had been taken from them while they fought in a war most of them did not understand but joined in the fray as it had been asked of them by their leader, the president Abraham Lincoln. More and more it occurred to me that this fledgling nation would need strong hands to guide it along the path to its bright future. Perhaps in some small way I could be a part of that.

Traveling by train for a week had been more comfortable than the voyage on the ship across the ocean had been. For one thing we made many stops along the way for water, coal, and passengers departing or new ones boarding. All along the line towns and larger cities were being established. I could see that it would not be long, perhaps a decade at most before the eastern coast would be connected to the western coast with spurs shooting off in both the southern and northern directions. Already the railroad had nearly driven wagon freight lines out of business and the future for water travel on the rivers did not look promising either. Of course new inventions were coming along yearly. A better and faster mode of traversing the waterways could be just around the next bend in the river.

My first look of Cheyenne impressed me. It did not have the tall buildings as New York had but it did have fine examples of architecture. The streets were still only hard packed dirt but trees as well as patches of grass and flowers grew on either side of the main street. Paved sidewalks would soon be followed by paved roadways I would imagine. This growing city I suppose was an example of what the Americans referred to as a Wild West town just beginning to be tamed by the demands of upright citizens. Gunfights were now a rare thing. Laws were being passed to ensure the safety and prosperity of everyone.

Incongruously I noted several saloons lining both sides of the street alongside grocers shops, hardware stores and various other shops catering to the needs of everyone. Granted the rail station was located at the furthest end of town but still within what would be considered the town proper. As I carried my valise it struck me that with every step a more modern layout of the streets and shops were grouped together with a couple of hotels and private homes lining many side streets. If I had thought this would be a lazy quiet town the noise around me told me otherwise. Not yet a state in the Union I have the opinion that will change within the next few years. Pausing outside the land agents office, I take a moment to gaze around taking in everything. Women with children in tow walked around on their way to shop or visit. Carriages passed by me as well as wagons hauling goods to various businesses. The glances cast my way I think are more because of my dark attire rather than anyone wondering what they might see underneath my mask if I were to remove it.

I am going to like it here. Yes, this place will do just fine to begin anew. Here I can and will build something others will envy. I won't need to use blackmail or threats to achieve my goals. Hard work and a sufficient amount of cash will be all I need to make my mark in this new land.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**Life Must be Lived Hannah's POV**

I have done all I can do to make everything ready for the new owner. No one knows anything about him other than his pockets go very deep and he is a foreigner, from France I have been told. Why a Frenchman would want to live out in what most still consider the Wild West is anyone's guess. I have never met anyone from France before but I have heard Parisians are a very wicked people. We expected to receive a telegram informing us of his arrival but nothing has come. All this waiting tends to work on ones nerves. Nicholas speculates that the man will be some citified nincompoop. Really I must take that boy in hand soon. It far past the time when he can use the excuse of losing his father to negate his bad behavior. Nicole on the other hand has been of an angelic nature. No matter what I say she still believes an angel will be coming to live with us. When I explain about the man buying the property and coming to claim it she grasps what my meaning is but still insists the angel will come. Could the man be one of those men who leave the church as abstention from worldly pleasures are forbidden to some religious positions such as priests. Chatholicolism is the main religion in France I do believe.

Lord if he is from a religious background he is in for some very shocking times ahead. The men do curse a blue streak although they tend to mummble or bite their tongue when either the children or I are nearby. Bragging about their wild nights in town with the ladies from one of those awful cat houses is not unheard of. My face burned for a week the first time I took a platter of cookies out to the bunkhouse and overheard more than I care to recall. Goodness, how will a man of the cloth react? I can see all too clearly Nicholas encouraging such conversations just to make some poor man suffer for something that isn't his fault.

Nothing has been said about whether the new owner will be keeping me or any of the other employees. We have stayed on these last few months under the direction of Mr. Eaton the bank president. The place is already in disrepair. If left to the elements it would have only gotten worse. The hands go about their work as if nothing has changed. For them not much will change whatever the outcome of the next few days. An experienced cowpoke can find work anywhere in ranching country. A housekeeper with two children is another matter. I refuse to live my life in fear of what life may hold for us in the future. I must live in the here and now and do the best I can to prepare for the future. Already I have received a month's salary. Not having any immediate needs I have been able to establish a bank account. I, who had never had a penny to call my own, I now had $50 in the bank. Although I felt gloriously rich in reality it is a small sum.

Roland has been over several times pumping me for information which I do not possess. His attentions toward me have become more aggressively amorous. When he comes to call in the evenings I allow the children to stay up later than normal. Their droopy eyes and tired faces do fill me with guilt but if I should weaken and give in to Roland's persuasive attempts to sway me into something more than mere conversation I would have to face myself and the children the next morning. A part of me wants to know what it feels like to have a man's strong arms holding me. At the great age of twenty-four I have never felt a man's kiss on my lips let alone any intimacies that come after the kissing. I can't rightly recall Clayton so much as holding my hand other than to assist me into the wagon or maybe offering a balancing hand when walking over uneven ground. Being a gentleman to the bone was one of his best qualities.

I will never regret being a mother to either of my stepchildren. If it comes to sacrificing mothering them or having some man in my life the children will win hands down. As I won't let Roland become too close to me we have yet to discuss his desire to become a father or lack thereof. Both Nicholas and Nicole seem to like him well enough. I haven't seen any unkindness toward the children. One hint of anything like that I'd greet him with a shotgun the next time he paid a visit. I am a rather good shot with a rifle. Clayton had one of the men teach me as it is almost a necessity to know one end of gun from the other out here in the wild open spaces. Renegade Indian's and outlaws are not above making use of a woman after killing her family. Sometimes the Indians are more considerate with children. They are young enough to be taught the way of the redman. Personally I have no quarrell with anyone. Leave me and mine in peace and I will do the same for you.

There have been occasions when Roland has startled me by caressing my hair or letting the strands sift through his fingers. It is not an unpleasant experience, quite the opposite in fact. I have found my heart hammering in my chest and my pulse throbbing against my skin. I don't know why I hold back from letting things progress. All I know is something will not let me make that last irrevocable step.

A few of the hands have made some comments within my hearing which concerns me. When Clayton had been here they had all been very circumspect and treated me as they should the wife of their employer. Without the protection of Clayton I must seem like some easily taken prey. Lately I have taken to placing the shotgun within my reach. Naturally it is unloaded as I will not take the chance one of the children might inadvertently be injured. It is my belief that merely pointing it in the direction of an unwelcome visitor will be enough to deter any untoward behavior. I may make a point to visit Mr. Eaton so I can express my concerns about a few of the men I believe will cause trouble. Most are honest and earn their pay. Others are only killing time until the next big robbery comes along.

All this waiting is stressful but must be gotten through as best we can. Nicholas and Nicole are beginning to show signs of wear as they are picking up on my own unsettled emotions. There are times when the children are quieter than normal but it passes before I can question them. I do think it is becoming clearer to them just what the death of their father means in relation to their circumstances. They may have lost more than their one remaining natural parent. I have been lenient with their studies and my discipline has been very lax, perhaps too lax as Nicholas is trying to wear the shoes of his father. He hasn't done anything horrible but he has shown a tendency to be overbearing toward Nicole and even the hands have come up against his will. In his young mind he may think it is his duty as the only male in the family to take charge. It is more endearing than annoying. His questions about accounts and the daily running of the ranch give me an amusing few moments as a respite from my busy day. I will let him think he is making the decisions and to this end we now sit down in the evenings and discuss what has happened during the day and what will be taking place the next day. He magnanimously allows Nicole to sit in on our "discussions". I think Nicolas is a politician in the making as he is willing to hear any suggestions then do as he pleases.

How he will take to someone, another male, coming in and usurping his perceived responsibility I do think it will be interesting to say the least. He will likely behave as most males do and butt heads with any opposing male. There is bound to be a struggle for supremacy, one I feel sure Nicholas must lose. When he must give way to this new male I will do my best to bolster his pride. One thing I have learned over the years is that men have very fragile egos and I daresay younger males are not so different. Any disparagement can be overlooked about his possessions, even his wife, but do not make any negative statements about his manhood or his ability to act as a man. That attitude had led to Clayton's downfall. If it looks like Nicholas is becoming a tyrant or overly aggressive naturally as his mother I will take him in hand. For now I see nothing wrong with his needing to feel he can contribute something and take on the role of head of the household. Being of a sweet nature I am sure will keep him from overstepping the boundaries of right and wrong, at least to far over that line.

Nicole has been speaking a lot of angels again after seeming to have entirely dropped her idea of an angel coming here. I misunderstood her when she first asked about angels walking among us. I thought she meant to inquire whether her mother and father were still able to look down on all of us. That is not what her inquiry had been about. She believes there is an angel somewhere who is lost and can't find his way to where he should be. At times she actually cries claiming to feel his pain. Whoever she is picking up on is a little bit on the darker side of life and does not seem so saintly, as saintly as an angel should be. Nothing specific has been mentioned but she has intimated this angel has not always been angelic. She claims he wants to stand in the light but others will not let him. Several times she has added him to her prayer list requesting he come to us so he will know what it feels like to finally come home. I don't question what she sees as too many times her predictions have been accurate. She knows about things no four year old should know. With a man coming to claim what he has purchased it has crossed my mind to wonder if he might be Nicole's lost angel. Every time I feel I have a handle on what the new man around here will be like something new is added to the collage in my head. I suppose it will just have to be a case of wait and see.

Since I have known Nicole she has been able to see and know things others can't. How this is possible I don't know. For her safety I have made both her and Nicholas swear on their mother's Bible they will never reveal anything Nicole says to anyone other than myself. I explained that most people would not understand her gift and may be frightened by it. Even I felt unsettled the first time something she dreamed about came true. Back east many still believe in witches. A hundred plus years after the Salem witch trials and many still hold onto their superstitious beliefs. To Nicole what she sees in dreams is normal. This unexplainable knowledge holds no meaning for her now but as she matures and begins to realize what this means things will change. A gift such as this is too much responsibility for a child her age. It is best to let her think they are only dreams and if they happen to mimic life that is an odd coincidence.

Another bother has presented itself in the guise of friendly advice. After church the ladies like to gather and share gossip just as the men do. Whispers, from various women, raised the issue of a young woman living in the same house as an eligible bachelor without benefit of a chaperone. The preacher's wife is a dear lady but does tend to stick her nose in everyone's business. In her mind her interest is only so that she may attend to her duties as the wife of a spiritual man. Maybe that is her only intention. I know for a fact she is one of the kindest souls I have ever met. I just wish she had not been so concerned for my reputation. There is no other option for me other than to stay here for as long as I can. Gossip won't bother me but if one harmful word is said to the children I will show those loose tongued harpies just what a virago I can be.

Moving from the master bedroom to a much smaller bedroom, one without its own water closet was one of the concessions I have had to make in preparation for the arrival of our new occupant. I paid heed to the not so subtle suggestions about men and there being lusty beasts lurking just under their skin and unfettered by any restraints, a man could take advantage of a woman especially one newly widowed. If they only knew of the circumstances of my marriage to Clayton they may have cause to worry about this man's virtue more so than mine. This room being furthest away from all the other bedrooms I hope meets the criteria of propriety. I believe my new room had been meant for a servant and being a paid employee I cannot complain.

Life cannot come to a standstill while we await the arrival of the person who will be making life changing decisions for us. Cattle still must be rounded up and branded. The herd will soon need to be moved to winter pasture. Hay must be cut and baled just as vegetables and fruits need to be canned or dried for use during the winter months. Life is meant to be lived for as long as we have breath and that is what I intend to do. Whether it is here or someplace else the children and I will survive.

One busy morning I was in the kitchen when I heard Grizzly barking and the children calling for me to come to the front yard. Running through the house with my heart pounding my imagination all too easily conjures pictures of some wild animal crazed with rabies about to attack my loved ones. Grizzly I know with my mind would be able to stop most any animal other than perhaps his namesake from harming either Nicole or Nicholas. He rather looks like the monstrous bear he is named after.

Coming out onto the front veranda I can breath easier as neither of the children or Grizzly are bloodied or in peril. A wagon with a horse tied to the back is now on the front lawn and the man holding the reins looks at me as if I should know what to do.

Tipping his hat respectfully he says, "Ma'am, I have been instructed to deliver this fine animal to this address. Mr. Delacroix has already arranged for his feed to be delivered. All he asks is that you take very good care of him until his arrival."

"Please, call me Hannah." Before I continue I go to meet this new charge I have been sent. I cannot say I have ever seen a more beautiful or more powerful looking animal. My head barely reaches his shoulder. Tentatively as I stroke him in soft tones I ask the driver, "Do you have any idea when Mr. Delacroix might be arriving? We have been expecting word from him letting us know the day and time of his arrival so arrangements can be made to pick him up from the station."

Scratching his ear he says, "Well now I can't rightly recollect him mentioning anything about that. Alls I know is he wants this animal, Apparition he calls him, he wants him to have the best of everything or there will be he….heck to pay."

Getting down from his seat he approaches me then leans toward me to whisper, "Ma'am if I was you, I'd make dam…uh beggin' your pardon ma'am. I'd make darn sure nothing happened to this fine animal. The man who hired me looked a bit too dangerous to cross. He looked more like an outlaw than a cattle baron. Wore all black. The only part of him I could see was the left side of his face, left ear and two fire shooting green eyes. Couldn't even see his hands cause he wore gloves. Dam...uh darn if they weren't black too."

I don't know what to say so I said nothing other than to thank him for his trouble. I offer him a drink of lemonade which he accepts. Sending Nicholas to fetch one of the hands I show our guest into the house. He doesn't stay long and I don't encourage him to lengthen his stay. I want to be alone to digest all he told me. Nicole had described just such a man yesterday. Her description had given me the shivers. Now the reality of the man would be coming very soon.

It hasn't helped that last night I had a dream about a man dressed all in black. Waking with heaving breasts only vague snippets slipped back for me to examine. All I know is I wasn't frightened by whatever I had dreamed. All I can recall and not very clearly at all is that I know the person in my dream was a man wearing black but I could not see his face. He exuded some sort of pull on me. The only thing I can compare it to is a magnet. He had some magnetic hold on me and it felt as if he was drawing me closer to his waiting arms which were held wide just waiting for me to step into them. All this talk of a strange man arriving must have fed into my psyche filling my sleep with ghostly visions.

In the quiet of my bedroom brushing my hair usually calms me but tonight my mind keeps showing me a man's strong hands holding my brush and it is his fingers which stroke downward in the wake of the brush instead of my own. Vividly I can see a man dressed all in black wearing what appears to be a black cape and he is astride a white horse. He is holding his hand out to me beckoning me forward. I can feel the war within me raging. I want to give myself over into his keeping but I cannot as something, no, someone still holds a large piece of his heart. A willowy figure comes out of a swirling mist. I don't know who she is but I am upset by her presence. She would fit well among God's angels.

My heart shudders to a stop when my dark suitor turns toward this ethereal apparition. I want to pummel his chest, drag him from the horse and draw him away from her alluring presence. What hold he has on me I cannot understand as I have never seen him or even heard his voice. All I do know is that it is imperative for me to win his attention. Beseechingly I hold my arms out pleading for him to turn away from such unearthly purity and be with me, a woman who can withstand his darkness as well as bring him into my world of light.

He is now walking toward me and his face is coming into focus. Any second and he will be revealed to me. A quirk of his lips inflames me without ever having touched my lips. More than anything I want to feel his mouth devouring mine as we soar with ecstasy. Just at the moment he is going to be close enough to assuage my every desire a loud thud brings me out of my dream. I am not in my bedroom but sitting in a chair by the fireplace in the study. Looking down I see that my book has fallen to the floor.

That dream had seemed so real. More real than any dream I have had before. A shiver races up and down my spine and I don't believe it is from fear. Gooseflesh pops out on my arms. The tingling in my breasts and the strange heat emanating from between my thighs I know is of a sexual nature. I must stop this insanity before the man himself arrives and I make a complete fool of myself.

I can feel so many emotions churning within me it is hard to single out just one. I do think what I feel the most is disappointment for not knowing what those sensuous lips would have felt like pressed against my own. It is hard to comprehend how something so vivid did not actually happen. My hand is raised to my hair to check my braids of its own accord. They are still in place. I had not undone them while dreaming about this man I have never met.

Taking myself off to my lonely bed I resolve to forget anything my mind wishes to show me while I sleep. I only hope that now the floodgates have been opened I can close them once again.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I put this chapter up earlier today but realized I hadn't edited it. I was on the way out to court and couldn't correct my mistake. Court went much as expected btw. Nothing settled for another month or two. **

**So anyway back to the story. I have corrected the errors, all of them I hope, and added a bit to the chapter. On another note I am inviting everyone to go to fiction press and read my original story Innocence Lost. I also moved my LND (Life can be Lived Alone) continuation from musicals to books. I get more readers and reviewers here. **

**Chapter Five**

**Free For All Erik's POV **

Arising early this morning

Damned if my palms aren't slick with sweat. It had seemed like a good idea at the time to surprise everyone with my arrival thus perhaps catching them slacking in their duties. Now I can see that my reasoning may have been askew. This might be seen as the bit of trickery it is meant to be. I don't know any of these people but they should have been given a chance to prove their worth without me sneaking up on them as I would have as the Phantom.

My face feels itchy in this heat. The beard I grew bothers me no end. At the first opportunity I will be shaving it off. I like how it covers my face but I don't like the scratchy feel of it. I will forgo this extra shield for the sake of my comfort.

Just when I thought I may have traveled far enough that I had come full circle I see a grove of varied trees amongst which is a two story house and it is surrounded by several other buildings. A small boy and girl are running around chasing some ungodly large dog or perhaps this is some new breed of horse the Americans have yet to introduce to the world. Just in time I manage to pull on the reins to slow the forward movement of the buggy as the boy comes to stand in front of my buggy. The horse whickers and tosses his head with irritation for having been taken by surprise. Lucky for the boy the animal is too lazy to attempt a nip out of him. A scowl stops the greeting I had been about to give him. With his feet slightly apart and his tightly clutched fists he looks as if he is ready to do battle with me rather than exchange pleasantries.

Reaching out my hand I introduce myself trying to show him I recognize his right to distrust me as I am a stranger. He ignores my offering so I ask with a stern voice, "Where might I find the housekeeper. I am Erik Delacroix the new owner."

He stretches his height a couple of inches. I do believe he is standing on his toes but I won't look down to confirm my suspicions.

"Hah! A lot you know Mr. Fancy Pants. Mama isn't a housekeeper. She's a mother. For damn sure she isn't no Madame. Shorty says there is a Madame in the cat house at the edge of town." He raises his chin proudly challenging me to dispute what he has said. Why he thinks a mother cannot also be a housekeeper or why one is less important than the other is something I have no wish to debate with a child. As to his mother being a Madame I search my mind for the English translation. Ah, now I see. He believes I mean a madam. I am still in the process of learning what Americans consider proper English but there are times such as now, when it is easier to pepper my sentences with French. As to the insult of being a housekeeper never having had much experience with either a mother or a housekeeper any argument I made would be my opinion based on the facts of my own experience.

A small voice coming from just to the left of me brings my gaze to a delicate little flower with one hand on her hip and another holding the massive beast quite ineffectually should he decide to have me for dinner.

"Nicholas Michael Garrison. If Mama heard you she'd wash your mouth with soap and take you behind the woodshed and tan you good." Maybe she isn't as delicate as I first perceived as her words are spoken with relish.

"Heck Nichol you know as well as I do Mama still thinks we're too busted up about Paw. Besides, he called Mama a Madam. I don't know exactly what it means but I know it means someone who isn't a lady." Now his glare returns toward me once again.

I will not be put off by a child nor stand her arguing with one. "If your mother is _Madame_ Garrison then she is the woman I am seeking and also my _housekeeper_." I am ashamed to say I deliberately stressed the words housekeeper and Madame just to make a point. I fear the meaning may be lost on one so young. Perhaps it doesn't matter I soon find out.

"I told you my Mama isn't a housekeeper. She's my mother!" Having made his statement the little devil took one step then kicked out at me. I could not hold back the curses that came out of my mouth and really I made little effort to restrain them.

"Nicholas how could you? You know he's the one. The one we talked about." I don't have time to decipher what her words mean as I am shortly set upon by a miniature dervish. He comes at me swinging his little arms like two windmills. He kicks out connecting a few more times with my shins.

Grabbing his arms as his foot raised to deliver another painful blow to my calf I held him away from me. That only made him angrier. Something must have possessed him at that point as the mildly naughty boy I had been holding became something else entirely. His teeth sinking into the fleshy part of my hand forced me to release him. He didn't break the skin much even though I thought I would have lost a good size chunk of my skin. The little devil had the audacity to grin widely at baring his teeth.

Only a few seconds pass before I feel something ram into my midsection with enough force to shove me back a couple of steps. The blow has my stomach protesting and I feel I may be ill. I will not let myself show that hooligan any weakness. If I have to cram my fist in my mouth I will not let go the contents of my innards.

Managing to grab hold of his arms once more I have only a split second to enjoy my triumph as I am set upon by a banshee. The arms wrapped around my waist are too large to belong to the little girl and I know for damn sure the breasts pressed firmly against my arm can only belong to a fully grown woman. Distracted as I was by thoughts of a woman so closely pressed against me and the intimate implications my attention drifted from my captive and the hellion took advantage as he lowered his head butting me in the midsection with his very hard head. One would not think a head, a child's at that would be so hard but his felt as I think a wooden pole might feel jammed into my belly.

His attention so focused on me he backs away laughing then trips over something landing with a hard thump on his backside. I only have a moment to bask in my triumph as I conquer the urge to let loose my morning meal when I see a nasty smile spread across my adversaries face along with a very wicked glint in his eye. He stands and I know what is coming but I am so distracted by the woman holding me, the beast that is by now going made and growling with what I believe is evidence of rabies frothing from his mouth. With the woman at my side holding onto me with far greater strength than one would imagine a woman would have I am helpless to avoid the boy's foot connecting with my shinbone again. I loosen my hold on him and he uses this opportunity to gain momentum and give me a good shot to my stomach causing me to stumble back. Already off balance I feel the woman's weight pushing against me which is all that is needed to send me to the ground. With her arms firmly around my waist she falls with me.

Although she is of a light weight I am still momentarily bereft of oxygen. Instinct has me rolling to the side so that I am on top of my assailant. Raising her hands above her head I am caught by her unusual eyes. Lord almighty I cannot recall anyone having this exact color before. Anger has darkened them so that one might mistake her eyes being violet not unlike the flower. Transfixed we stare at one another each lost in the moment where we are assessing the other. Her eyes do widen when they fix on my mask. To her credit she makes no other reaction. Lord help them all if my mask has moved one centimeter from its affixed position on my face. I lost my hat the moment that delinquent slammed into me. My thinning hair is hardly noticeable with the cloth of my new mask but the rest…pray they do not see more than one of my shameful secrets.

To further my humiliation by being taken down by a woman and a child, my body begins to helplessly react to her lying passively beneath me. I had conquered this irritating response in the recent past and damned if I will let it betray my weakness to this virago. Moving my body to the side I begin to release her slowly. I need to put distance between us but I want no repeat performance of the banshee woman. Standing upright I have all my focus on the woman when my other attacker slams into me from behind. Now as the Phantom no one would have been able to do what either of these two have done to me, several times, in the space of a few minutes. My skills for self-preservation have become somewhat lacking these last few months something which I will work on diligently to rectify.

My knees slam onto the ground sending a wave of pain all the way to my teeth as they snap together painfully. In the background I hear a small voice pleading for leniency for me. I must say I am confused by the little Mademoiselle's support of me, a stranger, one dressed as a lawbreaker might dress. A bite to my shoulder from behind brings more pressing concerns to light. A cannibal has climbed on my back trying to make a meal of me. It isn't either the boy or the woman. Before any real damage can be done I hear that same sweet delicate flower from before begging for mercy after she calls out, "Come Grizzly. Come. Sit." Four incongruous words by themselves but in this context they are tantamount to a cavalry's lifesaving charge.

"Please Mama don't hurt him. He's the one. The one I told you about. He's not lost anymore." Apparently the child's words made more sense to Madame than they did to me for she raised herself on her elbows so she would be able to thoroughly inspect me. I must say such a close inspection brought back memories of me as a child behind bars as the crowd taunted me and ridiculed me. Such a long perusal never came to any positive end.

Turning her head she asks with doubt clearly in her tone, "Are you sure Nicole? He doesn't look…well are you certain?"

Completely confused by this time I turn to see the child vigorously nodding her head with a smile so wide her pearly white teeth are displayed.

"Sir, if you would be so kind as to get up I would be grateful. You are rather heavy." She pointedly looks down to where I am still astraddle her midriff. I had sat up but had not removed myself entirely from keeping her prisoner.

Using the grace which has always accompanied my movements I come to my feet brushing grass and dirt from my trousers. I feel small hands making similar motions along my backside and legs. Having hands on me is not something I accept readily as of yet. Resisting the urge to shove this little person away is not easy for me. To commit such a heinous act would forever condemn me in the eyes of all three of my unwanted audience.

Conquering the inner demons which sometimes get the upper hand inside of me over time has become my main goal. If I am to live among others I must behave as others and not always resort to actions of a feral animal in order to survive. I want more than mere survival; I want to live as a man should live.

Against all reason my hand is grasped by a much smaller one. As the boy and his mother are in front of me the person holding onto me must be the girl, Nicole. Her small hands have already touched more of me than any other human being other than Christine and Christine's touch was not always given willingly or gently. When I feel a wet sloppy set of lips pressing against my hand nothing could have prevented me from jerking my hand away at the unexpected and unfamiliar gesture. Immediately I realize my mistake when her lips tremble and her eyes tear up. So help me if one tear falls down her cheeks because of my actions I know I shall have taken one more step toward the fiery gates of hell. Hoping to rectify my error tentatively I place my hand on her head. Strands of silky soft blond hair crackles with electricity as I run my hand down over her head.

"I am sorry." Those three words feel like sawdust in my mouth as I have not been one to feel sorrow over my actions enough to apologize. Perhaps if things had not gone so wrong with Christine I may have come to a point when I could say out loud how sorry I was for everything I did instead of shedding so many silent tears. I am blessed that she is such a forgiving child as another watery smile comes my way. Our moment of tentative friendship is interrupted by Madame Garrison speaking to me. Turning toward the mother I now see that recognition of who I am is covering her face bringing a strained smile to her lips. She must now know I hold her future here firmly within my grasp.

"You must be the man we have been expecting. Just when you were to arrive has been kept from us." I can hear the censure in her voice for my lack of courtesy in informing everyone of my arrival. I will not feel guilt or discomfort for having acted in a manner not deemed appropriate.

"I am Mrs. Garrison. If you like you may call me Hannah." I look at her hand suspiciously. Her son may have taken his clue how to behave from his mother. Apples do not fall far from the tree. Only Christine's hand had ever been held within my own yet here was this woman expecting me to clasp her hand in a customary handshake men often share when greeting one another or preparing to exit present company.

Her hand is not smooth or soft as Christine's had been. Her grasp on my hand is strong and firm. Calluses from menial work have roughened her palm. This contact should not stir anything within me but oddly it does. My fingers tingle and I can feel my heart rate increasing. Once more I find myself compelled to gaze into her eyes. I feel as if I am a captive being pulled toward her against my will. It is ridiculous of course to feel such strong emotions for someone I just met. I can't say anyone other than Christine ever made me feel as if something warm had been infused in my blood. Dragging my eyes from hers I am able to at last release her hand. Immediately I feel the coldness begin to seep in. I quell the urge to engulf her appendage again.

"Erik Delacroix, Madame…" I pause as I hear a growl that would have given the Phantom cause for worry someone had come to oust him from his haunting ground. The boy is eyeing me in a most disturbing manner. The sting of his bite at the base of my thumb reminds me he is a wild thing not to be trusted or provoked.

"Mrs. Garrison…" Now my speech is dried in my throat as the mother scowls darkly at me. I fear I may be set upon once more. Due to this misunderstanding I feel I must delve into the English language again. Bowing as a gentleman would in my country I address her as she requested, "Hannah."

I now know my opponent is called Nicolas and he is quite the comedian. His loudly staged whisper reaches my ears just as I am sure it had been meant to do.

"Oh la la. Mr. Fancy Pants from France." His sing-song chant grates on my nerves and stokes my temper just as his prancing around with one hand on his hip and the other swinging about above his head. At the first opportunity that boy and I will be having a man to man discussion. He will respect me or I shall…well I don't quite know what I will do but I won't be ridiculed by anyone let alone a child.

"Nicholas that is quite enough. Go inside and wash up for lunch. Show Erik where he can freshen up. In fact you may show him to his room." I assume she and Nicholas both feel time spent in my company to be some form of punishment. Her hands on her hips must be the signal that arguments or protests are useless and will not be tolerated for Nicholas kicks at the grass mumbling something I am sure he is glad his mother did not catch.

As Nicholas led me into the house I felt a presence behind me, a moment later Nicole had taken my hand again. This time I did not startle. It did not feel comfortable nor did I feel as if I wanted her to let go of me. Surprisingly I find I slow my steps to match her much smaller gait. A squeeze upon my fingers is the only acknowledgment she gives me for my magnanimous gesture. Nicholas made quick work showing me to my room then grabbed his sister's hand to tug her along after him back down the stairs. Perhaps he imagines I might do some harm to his sister. If that is the case I must grudgingly commend him for being the protective older brother. That idea I do think is not the real reason at all. I believe he fears his impressionable and kind hearted sister may be lured into the enemies camp. For a moment I remember another young impressionable child. One I entranced with only my voice for many years. I won't fall into that trap again even if the circumstances are different. No, I will keep everyone in their proper place which includes the mother, most especially the mother.

When I returned downstairs after washing up the other three were at the table with a group of men sitting around a large table. The only chair was one next to Nicole and Hannah. I had not had the opportunity to sit at a proper table until I boarded the boat to come to America. Now I would be sitting at the head of a table amongst my employees. The men were dressed for working outdoors so they must be the hands Roger contracted me to employ for the next year.

Hannah introduces me to each man individually indicating they should rise when introduced. Apparently her word is law as they scramble to their feet hastily and knock a few chairs to the floor. Maybe it is not Hannah they fear so much as me. They do have the look of men awaiting some momentous decision. It occurs to me that their very livelihood is within my hands. I feel the same rush of power I used to feel when I ruled over the managers at the opera house. It is good to feel empowered in a positive way instead of by nefarious methods.

During the meal I find myself being studied just as much as I am studying those sharing my table. My table, I do like the sound of that and what it implies. I who have never owned much of anything of value now own property that could well compare to the size of a city. I do think I will like it here.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Boy have I been through the ringer the last few days. Saw an oncologist and will be having surgery soon. Heart doctor wanted an angiogram so that was done last Friday. Everything is okay. Had a colonoscopy scheduled for the 7th but it got cancelled. Already took the first days Dulcolax before I found out. So now it is on for this Friday. After that I'll be getting a hysterectomy and learn if I have the BIG C. Doc says it is a 50/50 thing. I'm going with the positive 50 percent. All this health stuff has kept me from my stories and I hate that. At least now I can post a new chapter for everyone. Keep me in your prayers. **

**Chapter Six**

**Clash of the Cattle Barons Hannah's POV**

Poor Erik, he hates it here I do think at times. The men have been initiating him into what it is to be a cattle baron. They took him out on the the range without warning him about the many piles of excrement left behind by the herd. He had come stomping in covered in what I suppose was portions of any number of those piles not only on his boots but his trousers and shirt as well. I want to tell him something old and worn would be more suited to the rugged outdoors. The man wears a dress suit jacket all the time. I wish one of the men would tell him it is appropriate to abandon a few of civilization's foibles such as dressing for the day in what men out here wear only to church or a wedding. Even the dances are less formal than parties or dances back east. What Erik thinks of as casual and everyday the men folk around here see as formal wear.

I'll bet he purchased those fine cotton shirts just before he came out west or perhaps after he arrived in Cheyenne. Being a woman I could tell him that if he wore a potato sack it would look elegant upon his finely proportioned body. Even his accented English sounds elegant. When I am around him I want to curtsy and fan myself like the elegant ladies do. Flirtatious behavior has never been my forte but with Erik I think I would like to give it a try. If he wasn't my employer and so scowl faced I just might do it.

He has only been here a week yet in a strange way it seems as if he has always been here. Nicholas pulls pranks on him at every opportunity and Nicole follows him like a faithful puppy when he is within sight of the ranch yard. As for myself I am fighting something I cannot name. Erik has an air of mystery around him. No one really knows much about him, not even Mrs. Hanover who is usually on top of all the relevant gossip. If he resembles that dark man from my dreams it is only a coincidence and not any indication I will fall under his spell or rather any further under his spell.

Already the hive is busy with buzzing about who he is and what his coming will mean to everyone. Curiosity among them is no greater than my own as to what is under the covering he wears. I must say he is a striking figure one who fills my dreams with strange longings. Speculation has gone from some war injury to him being injured during a duel. Frenchmen are known for liking duels to settle differences. The more romantic souls think the duel had been fought over some woman both duelists wanted to claim as their own. Personally I don't care for that explanation at all.

Roland paid us a visit yesterday and I can say honestly I don't know what happened between the two men. All I know for certain is Nicholas repeated with relish how Roland had warned Erik that fences between a thirsty herd and the nearest watering hole did not mix well. Open range had been used by everyone as well as everyone having access to the river. To cut off the route to water was tantamount to condemning every last animal to a slow miserable death. According to Nicholas Roland had stared Erik down like that gunman had faced off that young drifter a year or so ago. He sounded so disappointed when he did not see a gun on either Roland or Erik. Clearly Nicholas is hoping Roland will do something to rid our house of an unwanted guest.

He doesn't understand how very fragile things are between the two factions of ranchers. Now we have farmers coming out adding to something that already created friction among the people in our community. Wells keep humans supplied with water but do not provide thousands of cattle with the necessary water they require. This argument about fencing off sections of land has been a bone of contention between the Cattle Barons and smaller ranchers for many years. More people meant less access to what had been considered public waterways. As smaller ranchers needed to protect their small areas of grazing from the larger herds more fences had gone up. What little water they had they guarded like they would cash under their mattress. With less enthusiasm Nicholas recounted Erik's assurance that he would look into the matter. His down turned lips proved without doubt Nicholas had been hoping for a more violent confrontation between the two men. At some point Erik will need to speak with Nicholas. I will do it if this situation lingers on too long. Nicholas needs to know he is still the man in our family but Erik is the man of this household and deserves respect until he proves himself unworthy.

Roland has taken me aside to ask me so many questions. He told me about speculation in town about the inappropriateness of a woman living in the same household as an unmarried man. I asked what he would have me do and he could only run his hands through his hair in frustration. I know he wanted to offer a place for me in his home but that would be no less inappropriate than my living where I am presently. He is worried Erik may make unwanted advances toward me. In light of my dreams I could have told him Erik may have more need of protection from me than I do from him.

I asked Roland outright if he had anything to do with the cutting of fences or the rustling of the herd. He looked me in the eye and swore he would win honestly or he would not win at all. I do believe he has told me the truth. Basically he is an honest man. The men he hires to work his ranch on the other hand are not the most honest looking men I have ever seen. It is well known that many cowpokes are often felons fleeing some crime back east. They come out west looking for a clean slate. Many do become upstanding citizens but there are those who will be less honest or trustworthy no matter where they end up.

In the last two weeks the fence has been cut three times. Twice before Erik arrived then once after he arrived. Erik is tolerant at the moment and has left an opening for Roland's cattle to go through so they might slack their thirst. Several men have been assigned to round them up and run them back to Roland's property once they have drank their fill. If more fencing is cut I think Erik will find his tolerance tested. I have seen him very angry and on the verge of losing control and it frightens me when I imagine all that pent up anger let loose into violence. I pray he continues to keep his anger from unleashing on Nicholas or anyone else. Clayton would have had Nicholas behind the woodshed after the first offense and yet Erik merely scowls and grumbles in French. I am sure it is better for me not to know what he is saying. One more slam of the front door and I believe it will shatter.

This morning Erik has come into the kitchen several times without seeming to have a purpose for doing so. Just as I am flipping a pancake he comes over to snag one from the pile already stacked on a platter. Having him suddenly so close to me with his shoulder rubbing mine startles me and the pancake ends up on the floor. We both bend down to pick it up at the same time. When our gazes lock the pancake is forgotten. My mouth is so dry I don't think I can swallow even though I know I must. His smell intoxicates me. Men out here do not bathe as often as I know Erik does nor do they wear any sort of fragrance that does not come from honest sweat. It is all I can do not to inhale deeply filling my lungs with whatever it is that makes his skin smell so wonderful. Roland is the only other man I know who cares about his personal hygiene in the same way Erik does.

Erik clearing his throat brings me back to what I had been doing as he says, "I do believe you dropped this. If you don't mind I think I will use it to bribe Grizzly today. He tends to look very hungry whenever around me. I value my body parts too much for him to make a meal of them."

Standing up quickly to give myself time to cool my face I say, "Of course. There are plenty and Nicholas and Nicole will no doubt slip him a few under the table."

Grizzly has never been let into the kitchen or dining room of the house until Erik brought him in on his second day here. No one dared to make any comment and I had to bite my tongue not to tell Erik to remove that animal from the room. As none of this is under my ownership I must bow to what the new master wishes.

Grizzly looked very pleased with himself as he plopped down by Erik's feet giving me a big toothy doggie grin that someone who didn't know him might think slightly threatening. Grizzly weighs around one hundred and fifty pounds and when standing on his haunches is as tall as Erik's own six foot plus stature. No one really knows what combination of animals made Grizzly the dog he is but many would like to duplicate his genealogy.

I know for a fact Erik and Grizzly have come to congenial terms. The dog follows him around just as Nicole does which further alienates Nicholas as he thinks of Grizzly as his own pet. Grizzly does have trouble choosing who he will spend his days with. The days when I let Nicholas ride out with the men under Shorty's eagle eye are happy days for the dog. He does not need to make a choice. Grizzly is a very discerning animal when it comes to character so it gives my mind ease to know he approves of our new houseguest so completely.

I am helpless as I watch Erik leave the kitchen. The width of his shoulders draws my gaze. I know what it feels like in dreams to touch his warm flesh but I find I want to feel them under my hands while I am conscious of doing so. This fascination I have for him must stop lest I jeopardize my position. Why he pulls at me in this manner I honestly cannot figure out unless it is the air of danger and intrigue which surrounds him.

Having seen the hidden violent nature in Erik it surprises me still just how gentle he can be. He has an affinity with the horses as proven by the relationship he has with Apparition. I do think Apparition is the key to winning Nicholas over to Erik's side. The animal is so gentle with Nicholas and Nicole. I have warned them that even though he is gentle he is still an animal with feelings and moods just the same as we have them. Even the most gentle creature can strike out without meaning to hurt when something irritates them. They know not to approach any horse from the rear so they become startled. I trust the men to look out for my children and as time passes I feel I can trust Erik as well. Since the first day he has not shouted at them although in Nicholas' case I am sure it would be deserved.

The first morning we all heard cursing coming from upstairs. I looked immediately in Nicholas' direction. He sat with a smile at the kitchen table as he sat merrily snapping beans for the night's meal. He did not so much as glance in my direction or react to Erik's further cursing other than to offer gleefully, "I can fetch the soap for you Mama. He sure knows a lot of swear words. They don't sound so bad in French."

Erik had broken off speaking in English so he could fill the air with curses in French. I don't speak a word of French but the tone did not escape me. Nicole had covered her ears and shot Nicholas an angry glare. I thought at the time Nicholas would be waking with something nasty in his bed or shoe and I was correct as Nicole had filled his shoes with slimy slugs from the garden.

Someone had slipped a garden snake into Erik's boot. Not harmful or dangerous unless one has a weak heart or genuine fear of snakes. I had made Nicholas confess his crime at the breakfast table and offer Erik an apology. Not one of us present believed Nicholas truly felt repentant for what he had done as he proved with further naughtiness.

Another time Nicholas had slipped a frog into Erik's water pitcher beside his bed. I am sure there have been instances that I have not heard of as Erik did not like to share being bested by a mere child. Lord help Nicholas if Erik ever takes off the gloves metaphorically of course. I don't feel he would strike either of the children or he would have done so after one of Nicholas' misdemeanors. I do feel he has a nasty sense of vengeance about him and will likely turn it to his advantage at an opportune time. Nicholas is in for a very unpleasant time once Erik decides just what his comeuppance will be.

With every passing day I find myself falling deeper under the man's spell and yet he shows me no special attention other than those odd moments when we share an unexpected few seconds in passing such as when we both stooped to pick up the pancake. Other instances have occurred and with every encounter some new element is added to our relationship at least on my part. Erik remains an enigma.

When we are in the same room my pulse races and I feel as if I cannot catch my breath. My hands tremble when he comes near with no apparent cause as I know I do not fear him. The trembling and tensing of my lower abdomen I think may be some sexual reaction. What with my dreaming being far more explicit than anything I have ever experienced I have to conclude that I find Erik attractive. I at first thought this man in my dreams to be Roland but the mask proves differently. Such lurid details fill my nights I find myself warring with my wish to delve deeper into this attraction and feeling it is wrong to feel so strongly about a man who has shown me he has little interest in me. In fact lately I think he tries to avoid me. When I take a bucket of cool water down to the holding pens Erik walks off on some pretence of needing something from the barn. To test my theory I sent Nicole and Nicholas down with the bucket today and watched from the side window of the parlor. Erik took the first dipper of water from the bucket before it was passed to the others. So now I know it is only me he cannot stand to be around. Not exactly what one wishes to learn about someone you are having such lurid dreams about.

Another thing has come to light which haunts me. One evening while I sat out on the front veranda I heard the most hauntingly beautiful voice singing in a language I did not know but did not need to know the words as the emotion in the voice said it all. This was a man pining for someone he loved very deeply. His anguish was such that it brought tears to my own eyes. This type of sorrow is what Clayton felt after his first wife's death and I suppose until the day he died.

Erik's speaking voice is one that makes a woman's body react helplessly no matter what he is saying. The words mean nothing when ones body is quivering with some unexplained yearning. I dare not ask if anyone else feels as I do but I suspect I am right as all the females jockey for the lead position to greet Erik on Sundays and they nearly knock one another down offering him a seat at their table for an afternoon meal. He has accepted a few of the married women's invitation but as yet not any from the mothers of single daughters of marriageable age. I won't think about the relief I feel each and every time Erik is not tempted to take up those blatant offers from such hussies as Marybeth Sanders.

She has had a thing for Roland but so far he has not a clue. Everyone else can see plainly how she feels but he seems to be oblivious. In an attempt to draw Roland's attention Marybeth has flirted with any man willing to be trapped by her batting eyelashes and feigned Southern Belle performances. We all know very well she hails from Boston. Men are such fools when it comes to a woman's helplessness. I suppose it bolsters their esteem to be able to come to the rescue of a damsel in distress. A less likely lady to be in distress than Marybeth I have yet to meet. I have heard her curse out her maid on several occasions when I had gone to deliver the jam and jelly her mother orders from me. I wonder how long it will take Erik to learn I make extra money making jam and jelly from the trees in his yard and the grapes and blackberries planted around the back field.

The woman who had come here with her husband some fifty years ago had managed to bring out many young trees and bushes to make her new home more homely. When I came here they were in danger of perishing from neglect. In a way I think of them as mine. It is because of me that they still flourish and produce their fruits, nuts and berries.

Erik does love his food. Every meal I know he appreciates what I have cooked. He cleans his plate at least twice then waits expectantly to see what I have made for dessert. If a woman was of a mind to influence Erik I think she would only need to be an excellent cook. Just because I have been taking extra care with the planning of meals and sitting down to go through my grandmother's cookbook that does not mean I am in any way trying to win Erik's notice. This little lie I allow myself as the man I am trying to impress only looks at the food I put before him like Grizzly looks at a pot of stew on the stove or the pies I cool on the window sill.

It has not slipped my notice that Erik shaved his beard after I made a disparaging comment about beards or something along that line. I really don't remember what I said as I had been fighting against intense yearnings at his nearness. I would have said anything to cover how I really felt. When I bought a rather expensive bottle of perfume I salved my conscience that I deserved this luxury. The licorice whips and peppermint sticks I brought home for the children I refuse to consider as anything other than gifts from a loving mother.

I am in fear of drowning in my feelings for Erik. Something is building inside of me and I fear it will explode unless I can curb the emotional roller coaster I am on. The one time I road one back east I did not care for it but if Erik were with me on the ride I might not mind so much. Damn it I am a woman, one with normal wants and urges. This is the second man I have lived with without coming close to losing my virtue. If not for Roland's attention I could be excused for believing myself a homely old maid with nothing to attract the opposite sex. Something has definitely got to change or I may go mad or worse, I may attack Erik while he sleeps. Wouldn't that be lovely to read about in the Cheyenne Chronicle?


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

**Winter's Promise **

**Erik's POV**

The smell of bacon frying draws me from a deep sleep. Three months and I still find it hard to believe this soft bed I sleep in every night belongs to me. This ten room house belongs to me as does every stick of furniture. People live with me and work for me. Many ranch hands depend on me for employment. Among them is one who claims more of my mind during both the day and night than I feel comfortable with.

Without being able to see the scene below I can describe in vivid detail what everyone is doing in my kitchen. The children will be setting the table so as not to get under Hannah's feet. Hannah, just her name inside my head brings a clear picture of her in my mind. Nicole will be glancing at the clock in anticipation of coming to wake me if she feels I may be late for breakfast. Her blond hair will be braided but left to hang over her shoulders. Nicholas will be dressed in his oldest trousers as he will likely wheedle his way into riding out with me and the men to the field where a small drive will be taking place so that the cattle not yet branded can be marked by my brand, an angel with wide spread wings, symbolic of my own spreading of my wings.

Closing my eyes only brings Hannah more vividly to life. Her hair will be tightly braided and wound around her head and held fast with pins. Since the morning I caught her with it down she makes certain to have it done up before she enters the kitchen. I admit that I do try to catch a secret look of her on the evenings she washes her hair in the tub out back. When it rains she collects the water then warms it to wash her hair. I do feel it is a shame to torture such beautiful strands of gold into ropelike twists. As my nights have become filled with her image as I close my eyes, I do feel it is a good thing for her to keep things between us professional. Personally I rather liked her hair loose. I often contemplate just how silky it would feel and catch myself leaning into her just so I can smell its fresh clean fragrance.

It had taken years for me to develop manly feelings toward Christine even when she reached the age where girls begin to fill out in certain areas destined to attract male attention. I hadn't felt any romantic tendencies for her until one night I happened to be at her mirror and saw her brushing her glorious hair. I believe it had been shortly after her sixteenth birthday. She had been dressed in a respectable nightgown and wrapped in a robe. Nothing about her should have set fire to any lustful longings on my part but alas she set such a blaze within my loins it drove me to the very brink of insanity. Something about the stroking of the brush through her hair had awoken some sleeping beast inside of me. After that I could do nothing other than to fall deeply, madly, insanely in love with her.

Now this woman, this Hannah has me twisted in knots with the simplest of words or movements. It is hard to keep my emotions in check when she lives in my home and eats at the same table I do. While there are people living within the same walls I own I do not in any way own the people. If guilt would not eat me alive I would have thrown Madame, no, Mrs. Garrison and those two irritants she calls children out on their ears the first time I laid eyes on them. Often that idea sounds so tempting but never goes any further than an idea. Without meaning to I have formed an emotional attachment for Hannah and her children.

Groaning at the irritating thought of facing those hellions so early in the morning I find myself burrowing deeper into the warmth of a thick pile of blankets. Although it is nearing winter inside it is as warm as if I had my own sun within my home. Briefly I allow myself the memory of waking many times to the chill of my home underneath the opera house. I have spared no expense so I may enjoy every modern convenience in my new residence. It does irk me that I must share all of this with a woman not related to me and her children. Roger would have come to hear many times how much he has displeased me by not mentioning just how many people I would inherit when I purchased the ranch or the troubles that came along with it if he had not made a cowardly retreat back to New York before my arrival.

I had been prepared to see a woman with two small children but the woman I imagined and the woman who attacked me like a wild animal bore little resemblance to one another. For one thing Hannah was much younger than Roger had led me to believe or perhaps it had been my own mistake to assume she would be in her forties or older. I do remember he had said Mrs. Hannah Garrison had come out west in the first place because being near the age one could call her a spinster she had been unexpectedly tossed into dire straights with little in the way of options. She had come out west as a mail order bride hoping that would solve planning the rest of her life.

If that woman could be classed as an old spinster I must be close to Methuselah. Not being able to ask outright for her age it has been left for me to conjecture. My guess has been near twenty and five. I suppose it had been hearing she mothered two children that had added age to her in my mind. They are not her children. The man she had come out here to marry had not told her about his first wife dying in childbirth with his second child, a girl. The boy, Nicholas is six and Nicole had just turned four the month before my arrival. Glad to say I missed the big day. For whatever reason Little Miss Nicole took a shine to me the moment she laid eyes on me. I can't seem to shake her off. Even growling in my most fearsome Phantom voice does not deter her from beaming at me. The first time she took my hand and kissed it with a very wet slobbery kiss I am ashamed to say I nearly jumped out of my skin. I can remember only one other female to kiss me and I don't like to remember her too often.

Nicole has an eerie tendency to read my mind. Often she refers to an angel being lost. When she speaks of this angel her eyes are glued to me. She pats my hand and assures me with childlike certainty that the angel won't be lost for long. When I mentioned this propensity Nicole had for touching me and making references to angels finding love in relation to me, Hannah had flushed beet red dropping the skillet she had been about to place on the stove. Mumbling something about children saying whatever came to mind and not knowing half what they said she recommended I simply ignore the child.

Nicholas later informed me quite forthrightly his sister Nicole could see things others could not. His opinion on Hannah's strange reaction had been that Nicole had likely told her something about the future that had upset Hannah in some way. Reflecting on that later, my mind went into some very lurid scenarios. What else would cause a woman of Hannah's age and experience to blush like a young virgin? Of course little Nicole would not have described such things as I create in my own mind but perhaps she suggested an innocent kiss or something of the sort.

As hard as I try not to let it, Hannah's image drifts into view behind my closed eyelids even now. She cannot be classed as a true beauty but she does have something men must like as she is in demand at every barn dance held once a month at the different ranches in the area. Roland seems to have a particular interest in her which I find disagreeable. I suppose it is the case of losing my very capable housekeeper and cook if he should win her hand. It certainly is not because I harbor any hopes in that direction. Forcefully I push her image from my mind. I haven't the time to dawdle and relieve the result of such lascivious imaginings.

I must go into town to pick up my piano. I ordered it months ago and it is supposed to arrive on the afternoon train. A few other things will be on the same train to make life more comfortable. Lord what a mess this place looked when I first arrived. I nearly turned the buggy around so I might find and strangle Roger. If it would not have wasted so much of my time I would have taken the train back to New York and shown Roger just what upsetting the Phantom means.

The former owner, Clayton Garrison had been one of those easterners who came west with the idea of making buckets of money as quickly and as easily as they could. Sinking every last penny he had into this place had not been a wise decision. Apparently he knew as little about ranching as I do. The difference between the two of us being I am willing to learn and listen to those who know more than I do and I have a fortune still safely banked waiting for my use. Mister Garrison had not taken kindly to anyone advising him how things should be done. Pride had been his downfall. There had been a time when pride mingled with possessive love had nearly destroyed me. I learned from my mistake.

Mr. Garrison had brought his wife out to the middle of nowhere with no idea what to do once he had arrived. Norah, his wife had worked herself harder than a woman should while being within a month of delivering her first child. That birth apparently weakened her. At least her husband had given her a respite between children. Being malnourished the long labor had drained her thus taking the mother out of this world just as the daughter entered it. Being a widower with two small children he had little choice other than to find a wife. That is when he made inquiries back east placing ads in various newspapers. Hannah had been the one and only applicant. She herself had been desperate. Her mother and father wanted to move and hinted she should make her own way in the world. Taking care of aging parents had not equipped her with any skills other than that of a homemaker. Her brothers could not take her in as they both had families of their own and it had been years since they had seen one another.

This information, I learned by merely pretending to be interested in Mrs. Eloise Hanover's company during several dances over the last couple of months. Being a pastor's wife did not curtail her from airing everyone's dirty laundry to anyone willing to be driven mad by her ceaseless droning. How she comes by her information still baffles me. She would make an excellent agent to use during wartime to gather secrets from the enemy. No one is safe from her prying. I do have to be careful lest she delves into my own past. I tried to keep my story as simple as I could. Lies are harder to remember than a truth. I am now a survivor of a war. No one asks which one as I am French and not many are familiar with anything further than New York Harbor.

If I don't leave this bed soon there will doubtless be a small fist rapping on the outside accompanied by a surprisingly high volume shout of "Erik, Erik. Come down now. Eat breakfast now."

Nicole took it upon herself to mother me. She is the one to make sure a lunch pail is prepared for me if I am going to be out all day. My boots stay clean although she has not yet mastered how to shine them. There is still time to pass on that bit of knowledge. I have moved my chair at the table no less than a dozen times and she always ends up next to me for the duration of the meal. Those first few days I think Hannah thought the children and I were playing musical chairs. The little vixen wore me down. I let her sit beside me and as of yet I cannot say I have any real regrets. She fetches the coffeepot even before Hannah notices my cup is nearly empty. The child even knows that first thing in the morning I prefer coffee and tea for the afternoon and dinner hour. At the oddest times I find myself watching her at play and a smile creeps across my lips. She is not as bothersome as I like to pretend. If I really wanted to be rid of her all I would have to do would be to say something guaranteed to hurt her tender heart. I cannot find it in me to do that. She is a likeable child.

The boy Nicholas at first had been very mistrustful of me. He is also a sneaky devil. How he managed to come into my room while I slept not once but twice I still have not been able to figure out. I still have not retaliated for his little surprises in my boot and water pitcher. No matter what I tell him to do invariably he will do the opposite or do nothing at all. He has not been won over by my charm. It is Apparition who has tipped the scales in my favor. A man in possession of such a horse and to have the loyalty and trust of that animal could not be all bad. I concluded that is what earned me his respect, my bond with a fine piece of horseflesh. Grizzly is another bone of contention between young Mr. Garrison and me. I have taken to using sneaky tactics of my own so the dog will stay with the boy when I leave to go out with the men. A nice juicy bone left in his food dish at the back door is guaranteed to keep him occupied for quite some time. In this way it appears the dog prefers his young master to the interloper.

I am almost tempted to skip shaving today just to irritate Hannah. That woman had the audacity to comment on my beard on the second morning. It was not a compliment either. She likened my face to a hairy ape. Of course she did not pass on this information to me in person. I had to hear it from Nicholas. He had spitefully regaled me with almost word for word what his mother said about me. I am sure she would have tanned his hide for repeating such things and needless to say I would not report back to her just how loose her son's tongue can be. I may have need of information in the future. If I had not already decided I did not like the hair covering my face by now I'd have whiskers down to my chest, a slight exaggeration but not by much.

I have never been one to linger over my ablutions. Looking into any mirror for any reason is something done in small doses. A strange thing I have noticed over these last months is that the right side of my face appears to have improved if only a little. The red cast will always be there as will the patch of missing hair, but the sores from all the rubbing of that porcelain mask have gradually cleared up. The moments of privacy outside in the sun have given me a darker skin tone. When warmer weather comes I do think I will find some private spot so that my clothing can be removed and allow the sun to work its magic on all of me. Of course I know not to stay out for long periods. I had made that mistake as a young man traveling across Egypt. Burns from the sun are no less painful than those from fire.

Out of habit I grab the bottle of men's cologne. Hannah likes how I smell. That is another secret Nicholas shared. He had heard Nicole telling her mother she liked how I smelled and Hannah had responded she had never smelled a man who could come in dirty and sweaty and still not have her wanting to turn up her nose.

His intention had been to compare me to one of those dandies in town as a disparagement. The poor young fool does not know I had worked for many years perfecting my outer appearance so I could look like one of those men, although the European version. Raoul comes to my mind as a fine example of what a dandy should look like. Raoul no longer seems so far removed from who I am now. If my face had not been malformed I might have been considered a handsome fellow. Many times I have drawn pictures of me correcting the mistake God made on the right side of my face.

There have been moments when I have caught Hannah giving me rather intense glances. I do rather enjoy the rosy hue of her cheeks during those times. When I think of that time when she had been washing dishes at the sink and without thought I came up behind her to reach overhead for the cookie jar, my insides tighten as does the part of me that yearns to move within a woman. Only when I heard her catch her breath did I realize just how closely my body pressed against hers. She didn't move away or say a word. It couldn't have been more than half a minute that we stood there transfixed with our bodies so delightfully close.

I had been overwhelmed with such longings for things I had never experienced in the arms of a woman it was all I could do not to grab her and do what comes natural for most people. To this day I don't know what made her turn toward me. Her shy smile only fueled my lustful thoughts. I did take note that her bosom rose and fell abnormally fast. That could have been because I had frightened her although I don't think that is the case. Before I could do something I might regret I had stumbled back and mumbled something I can't even remember. Only for a second there had been something like regret clouding her eyes.

Since that day I have been careful not to do anything so stupid again. Being careful in the hours I am awake does not follow over into my nighttime hours of sleep and dreams. What I dream is so much like those dreams I used to have about Christine, only now they have become even more lurid and sensuous. Perhaps those I had about Christine were not so avidly lustful because I had placed her on a pedestal and at the time she was merely a young innocent. Christine I have come to realize had been far too young for me. I had been inexperienced even though I had reached the age of thirty but still I think my enflamed desires would have frightened her. I cannot be sure but I think that I may be a very forceful lover and if ever I do find a woman willing to bed me, she will have need for bravery to withstand the passion I will unleash on her. I suppose there are other men of my age who are still virginal but probably only those who have taken vows of celibacy.

Glancing at the clock spurs me into action. At any moment Little Miss Nicole will be paying me a call. When I catch sight of my lips quirking at the thought, I am forced to admit I am becoming less annoyed by her hero worship of me. I can think of nothing I have done to earn such devotion but it gives me a warm feeling to know she cares about me.

As I step down from the very last step Nicole comes running from the kitchen holding a napkin with a freshly baked biscuit between which she has spread an overabundance of freshly churned butter and blackberry jam made only yesterday in my very own kitchen. Hannah had the foresight to can the last of the crop of blackberries.

How could I have lived my life without waking to find a child smiling up at me so trustingly? I had never been able to let Christine see me when she was a child for I had to keep up the pretense of being her Angel of Music. With this child I can be myself, an ordinary man who can be gruff on occasions and very ungracious concerning a young females emotions. I have tried to soften my responses toward Nicole.

"How are you this morning Nicole?" I almost can feel the words wanting to slip off my tongue to ask if I may carry her. I have felt this urge several times in the last couple of weeks, an urge to feel her slight weight in my arms and her face pressed against my chest. Just thinking about it brings a tightness just where my heart beats steadily.

As if she can read my mind, and I do think she does, she asks me shyly, "Would you carry me? I stubbed my toe. It hurts really, really bad." She lifts her left foot for me to inspect. Indeed the skin has been scrapped but no blood is oozing out. I can't imagine it hurting to the extent she claims it does.

Being a professed gentleman how can I deny such a sweetly made request? I haven't the words to answer her or even think I could squeeze anything past the lump in my throat so I just extend my arms and wait for her to step into me. She weighs nearly nothing in my arms but the burden I feel is the weight of the world as I carefully place her on my hip and guide her head to my chest. Lord God! I cannot ever recall anything feeling so sweet, so uplifting. Her trust in me means more than I can think to find words to describe. Careful not to get any sticky jelly in her hair I am ready to take my first steps while holding a living thing that at this moment seems closer to God's angel's than I have ever been. As I step into the kitchen my calm burden becomes a squirming mass of childish humanity wanting to be set down. It would appear her toe had healed in the few feet it took to travel down the hallway.

Hannah turns toward me and her hand is headed upward to smooth over her hair when it suddenly stops and she turns away but not before I see a flash of annoyance on her face. I know I haven't committed any acts that might single me out for her displeasure so it must be herself the look had been meant to reprimand. Likely she had felt the feminine urge to check her appearance when a male comes within her space. I could tell her I do understand that need even though I am a male. Constantly I am adjusting my mask, smoothing my hair, smelling the air about my person. Since Nicholas told me Hannah takes more notice of me than she likes to let on I want nothing to crop up that would show me in a bad light.

"I am fixing the crepes you told me you like. Why you can't simply eat pancakes like everyone else is beyond me. As if I don't have enough to do, now you want me to become a French chef." Her words may be negative, but her tone is calm and holds no real resentment. I think she feels she must protest on principle so that I don't begin to take her for granted or think I have any real say about what goes on in this kitchen. I have seen her bash one of the cowpokes upside his head for telling her _she'd be fixing him some scrambled eggs and like it. She was a woman and should know her place._ I had been about to step in when Hannah had given the man a hard crack across his cheek with her metal spatula then sent him backward out the back door as she wailed upon him with what had not in the history of man been listed as a lethal weapon.

"Your pancakes are divine so it occurred to me that crepes made by your talented hand would be heavenly." Placing my hand over my heart as she glances over her shoulder I even manage to smile. It pleases me to see how easily I can bring a flush to her face. For an experienced woman she seems almost too innocent to have lain with a man.

Without a word she pours me a cup of coffee. Holding it out to me I catch the quick look she gives me from under her long lashes. Those eyes could drown me and I would be happy to die in that watery grave. No sky has ever been just that shade of blue. Often I have wondered if they would flash in the heat of passion as they do when she is angry.

Taking the cup from her our fingers touch. The jolt I feel is unexpected. Just our fingers have touched yet I feel the affect from my head all the way to my toes. I hadn't even realized my finger had been stroking hers until I saw where her eyes had gone. Her tongue grazing across her lips is more than I can stand. If I don't leave now I won't be leaving at all. I must have said something because she nodded her head then turned back to the stove.

Released from her spell I hastily make my way to the dining room. The sideboard will have the usual mounds of food. The ranch hands will be coming in shortly to eat before heading out to work. Normally we would have left earlier but several men had already gone ahead and set up the camp. Today we would locate the strays and herd them to the makeshift pen. Once branded, they will be released. The first time I witnessed a cow being branded to my shame I had to head for the bushes. I let them think I had urgent business to tend to rather than have them think that I am weak.

The table is filling fast with men just shy of being outlaws. Rougher, tougher men I can honestly say I have never met. How Hannah managed to keep them in check and not quit I am sure some day I may learn her secret. Neglect around the ranch had been obvious the moment I set eyes on the place. Every structure had been in need of repair including the house. The house had been my first priority. The barns and stables had come just before the fences. Keeping the fence in repair is a never-ending task. Someone is always cutting the wire. The larger ranchers think of every acre being free range. Water rights are another bone of contention between the large ranch owners and the smaller ones. I had at first been happy to share whatever I had as there seemed to be so much of everything.

My neighbor, Roland Townsend, wants to own and rule it all. He had been running cattle on Angel Wing even before it had that name. As more and more of his cattle found their way to my land I made a point to advice him that perhaps he might consider moving the greater part of his herd on the far side of his land. My cattle must eat the grasses just as his do. Sharing is one thing but a complete takeover of all resources I will not tolerate. The fences that had begun to fall were repaired and more erected. I know they are being felled under the instruction of Mister Townsend but I cannot prove any such thing. It irritates me that Hannah believes his lies about not ordering the fences cut or his herd being run onto my land.

Lately there have been rustlers coming in and leaving with twenty or thirty head once or twice a week. Having thousands of those beasts one would think it would be hard to notice a few that were missing. Cowboys have some sort of mental tally sheet in their heads because they can tell when a rustler has come a calling.

Everyone is seated now except for Hannah. One reprimand from me and they all know not one bite of food leaves their plates until the cook has taken her place. Hannah breezes in taking the seat to my right. Nicole sits to my left and Nicholas sits beside his sister. Now we can begin our day.

**A/N: I invite everyone to read and review my LND sequel. It continues on after Christine's death. I will try to show how everyone learns to cope with her loss and move on. I will attempt to write a believable story about how two former sworn enemies can learn to share a boy both claim as their son. Please just give it a try. It's in the plays/musicals under Love Never Dies stories. It is called Life can be Lived Alone. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

**Passion's Burn **

**Hannah's POV**

I find it so hard to concentrate on food with Erik's long muscular leg brushing against mine every so often. When his finger tips touched mine as I handed him his cup earlier I thought for a moment I might be having a stroke. Such unexpected tingles had raced from where our fingers touched then gone straight to the place between my thighs I know harbors a womanly secret. From the first day he arrived that man has been unraveling me. First hand experience of such things has never been afforded me but I do think he feels similar emotions when in my presence. Many times I have caught those luscious green eyes staring broodingly directly at me and feel pinned to the spot until he removes his gaze to someplace else.

Not being considered a great beauty by anyone's standards I have still managed to gain the attention from the male members of the population. I am not normally a shy person but when in Erik's presence I seem to become someone who is witless and blushes constantly. My skin becomes feverish whenever I catch myself in the middle of a daydream about him. Housework has not been so lust inspiring before. Just dusting with a cloth fueled one of my more explicit dreams of him. The sideboard became his strong muscled back and the cloth covered with beeswax became a bath sponge wet with warm scented oil. Lord knows where my imagination would have gone if Nicholas and Nicole had not come in moaning and clutching their stomachs as they declared they may die from hunger if I did not give them something to eat immediately.

One thing is certain; Clayton had never given me any pleasure. No one has ever suspected that Clayton and I had not been together in the biblical sense. The poor man had loved his wife even when she lay cold in her grave. He hadn't a clue how to deal with children on his own. Poor Nicole hadn't known her mother and then had lost her father because his grief and embarrassment over losing almost everything due to lack of knowledge and too much stubbornness to learn left him penniless. As much as I could I had given Clayton my support.

Deception had been a big part of Clayton's life whether deceiving himself or others. He did not deceive out of any malicious intent but merely as a means to foster some sense of pride and control over his life. Having an older brother becoming a successful lawyer and building a small empire only further convinced Clayton to leave civilization and seek his fortune elsewhere. Taking the inheritance he received from his grandparents he sank every penny into this ranch and suffered the consequences being an ill informed landowner.

To give him some credit he had tried to make a success being a cattleman. He gave his children the best he could. Nicholas was only three when Nicole came into the world. Nicholas had been too young to lose his mother but at least he had known her for those few years whereas Nicole would never know her. Clayton struggled for two years before making the decision to remarry. That is when he placed the ad and I found it just when my own life had become desperate. One year after our wedding he had been out with the cowhands bringing in part of the herd when something spooked the animals causing a stampede. Falling from his horse he had been trampled to death. I did cry at his funeral but I think that had more to do with the children than for the departed. I cared for Clayton and he had been a good man who treated me with kindness but he never let me get close to him. I suppose that had been a good thing as if I had fallen in love with him I would have been devastated by his loss.

The night of our marriage I surely was shocked to learn he would not be partaking of his husbandly rights. He explained that his wife Norah had been the love of his life and still he held her dear in his heart. He hadn't wanted to take from me anything he could not take with love behind it. He had gone on to say that when carnal desires needed to be met he'd visit one of the whore houses in town. In every other respect we would be man and wife and I would have all the privileges due to me as his wife.

A week after his death Charles Denton the bank manager sent word he wished to see me. I didn't need to be clairvoyant to know what he would say to me. It had gone as I suspected. The bank now owned the property and it would need to be sold. They had been kind enough to allow the hands along with me and the children to continue to manage the daily upkeep until such time a new owner could be found. Once the property had been sold we were advised the person standing in proxy for the new owner graciously included all employees to remain employed for one year as part of the sale. I think perhaps that man I now know as Roger something or other made such a kindhearted gesture without consent or approval of Erik.

For a few weeks Erik grumbled and threatened to hunt down his lawyer and string him up. It is no great secret that Erik has a vicious temper. Poor Davie, a young cowhand committed the ultimate offence of making a joke about Erik's mask and outlaws. Erik sent for the young man only to be told he had packed up and left without coming by to pick up his pay for the week he had worked. His fear of Erik's anger outweighed the possibility of going without food.

I cannot deny Erik has a temper but underneath all his gruff exterior there is a different man wanting to come out. It is my opinion he is afraid to show his gentler side fearing he may get hurt. Nicole with her sweet nature is wheedling her way into his heart. Even Nicholas has stopped trying to run Erik off. He still defies Erik on most occasions but does listen attentively when Erik passes on some knowledge about animals and what should and should not be done. Erik has impressed Nicholas by inventing several machines and tools which make some work easier.

The men gave Erik a hard time at first. He would be sent on a fool's errand to find some tool which did not exist. Erik turned the tables when he came back later with a tool in his hand much like the one the men described and damned if it didn't do what it was supposed to do. If it hadn't been for having to scrub out the mess from his shirts I would have found it funny when Erik stormed in that first few days wearing half the cow piles from the fields on his nice new shirts.

He has learnt to dress in older clothing when they head out to round up a few strays or searching for the wild horses roaming the area. Today they are going out as some cattle are in need of branding and likely they will find some of Roland's cattle mixed with Erik's. Roland has come to Erik and professed his innocence in the matter and reluctantly Erik believes him or I do think Erik would not be so kind to return those cattle unharmed. Water and grazing land are two commodities a rancher guards jealously. Erik has let Roland know this situation will not go on much longer. In my opinion there is enough for everyone but I can see how a man would want to keep what is his.

"Mama may I go with Erik when he goes out on roundup?" Nicole's question is so hopeful I hate to disappoint her. Surprisingly it is Erik who answers her question and offers a solution for us all.

"Hannah, why not come with us as well? I know Shorty would appreciate relinquishing his duty as cook to you. You and Nicole can ride on the chuck wagon. Would you like that Nicole?" Erik gives Nicole one of his offhanded smiles which have a certain charm only females would appreciate no matter their age.

"Oh please Mama, please say you'll come. It will be so much fun. Won't it Erik?" Nicole turns her adoring gaze upon Erik. The only telltale sign he is affected by Nicole in any way is the bobbing of his Adam's apple when he swallows several times before he answers. Erik has charm in abundance when one least expects him to show it and I think Nicole has that same quality. She has been using hers to beguile Erik since the day of his arrival.

"Yes, I do think everyone would enjoy a break from our routine. Hannah I…we wish for you to come with us, is that not so?" Erik glances around the table daring anyone to show any dissent about his proposal. Nicholas I can tell wants to protest letting Nicole come along as he would much prefer to have Erik's full attention. The men stepped in and gave Nicholas male companionship but a young boy needs someone special he can bond with if he does not have a father. Roland would take on that role but for some reason Nicholas never saw him in that light. Given his initial dislike of Erik it now seems Nicholas is trying to form a closer relationship with Erik. I hope Erik understands how easily he can hurt my two children if he is careless with their tender emotions.

There has been a gradual change in Erik over the last three months. When he first came he had the air of a wounded animal which he tried to hide by keeping himself at a distance from everyone. Only in those first few weeks had he let his temper get out of hand. One trembling lip from Nichole and he soon lost the head of steam whatever angered him had brought on. Nicholas on the other hand stood up to Erik's anger with stubborn tenacity. He would not back down and I think that more than anything impressed Erik as well as gave him time to cool down before he let himself go too far. In a very strange way we all meshed together to form a peculiar sort of family unit even if only in so far as we live and work for the same cause, prosperity.

As everyone is still looking at me expectantly I must answer the question posed to me. "If Erik is sure he will not be inconvenienced having two females along I think I can forgo today's cleaning in order to relieve Shorty so that he can join the men rounding up cattle instead of manning the coffee pot and pot of stew."

Having gained my acceptance Erik holds my gaze with his own for countless seconds. His eyes flash with something I am not ready to acknowledge just as I will not name all those same feelings within me. I know very little about him and if I bring a man permanently into our lives I must be certain of his suitability to father two impressionable children. What Erik has shown me so far is that he has hidden emotions which cause him to lash out at times but just as quickly he regains control. He is making an honest effort to change and conquer whatever it is that feeds his inner demons.

He may not have any intentions toward me at all. What I am feeling and think I see may just be wishful thinking. Before I enter into any sort of relationship I must be assured the man will treat me and the children well. As things are now if Erik becomes impossible to live with or I feel it is best to move on we can do that with only a modicum of trouble. If I let myself become emotionally involved with Erik and the children form bonds with him leaving will be much harder and more painful. For today I will shut away my concerns and enjoy the day.

A meal has not disappeared so quickly as this morning's breakfast. Everyone is ready for a change of pace. For me it will be a day to relax the bonds placed on women. I will be wearing trousers. It is so much easier to climb up and down on the wagon in men's clothing than a dress, petticoats and corset. I forgo the corset anyway most days. I only don it now on Sundays for church and for those monthly dances.

Wanting to feel feminine I take my hair down from its braid then brush it out. Gathering a fistful of hair at the back I tie a blue ribbon around the mass of hair. I don't usually let my hair hang loose as it gets in the way when I am cooking or cleaning. I will be cooking but it will be outside. I know the real reason I left my hair down. Erik has caught me a few times washing my hair and the look in his eyes on those occasions he found me brushing out the wet strands gave me pause for thought. I want to see that hungry look in his eyes again. There is little use trying to fool myself as to my real motives for changing my appearance. Even the trousers look good on my slender frame. A woman shouldn't display her curves so blatantly but how else is one to attract male attention to ones attributes if they are all covered up in layers upon layers of fabric?

Later regret may come to visit me but for now I want to feel Erik's eyes looking at me with desire. I am so confused all the time lately. One moment I want to keep Erik at arms length and the very next instant I am day dreaming such sinful things. Perhaps it will do no harm to explore my feelings. If I can separate lust from love and not let my heart become involved what would be the harm?

Despite any warning to myself earlier I now look at my reflection and see a woman with a glow about her that has never been there before. Come what may I will respond when Erik makes one of his unplanned and possibly unknown invitations. We are both adults after all and should be able to share certain intimacies without expecting more than the other is willing to give. I suspect it is I who will be expecting things that will not be given but then that is the same relationship I had with my late husband Clayton.

Shouting from outside is the sign I need to hurry me along. Someone has driven the chuck wagon to the front of the house. Nicole is dancing from one foot to another anxiously as she spies me coming down the stairs.

"Mama hurry. Erik is madder than a cowpoke on his way to Hades. I think Nicholas did something. I don't think he meant to because he told me he sort of likes Erik. Sometimes though I think his brain forgets that and he does stupid things."

I look around and sure enough Erik is standing in front of Nicholas who has his head bent down and his shoulders drooped dejectedly. Erik has a holster with a gun on either end of the leather in his hand. He is shaking them as he says something to Nicholas who nods his head as he makes a reply. Seeing Tex headed my way I grab his arm as he would have passed me to ask worriedly, "What is going on? What has Nicholas done now?"

Tex looks around uncomfortably. I am sure he'd rather be buried in an anthill than tell me what trespass Nicholas has committed. Cowboys have a code that you mind your own business and expect others to mind theirs.

"Awe Mrs. Garrison he didn't mean no harm. In a way it was Mr. Delacroix's own fault he did what he did. Don't you worry none. Boss'll take care of it."

Tex did not know me well if he thought I'd let him off the hook that easily. As he would have gone on about his business I forestalled him by stating much milder than I wished, "Tex, just tell me what Nicholas has done. I am sure I'll hear of it later anyway."

"Well now don't go getting your motherly hackles raised or nothin' like that. Boss left his guns hangin' on a peg in the barn. Nicholas took a shine to them and took 'em down to admire. Near scared Mr. Delacroix half to death when he came upon Nicholas twirling one around his finger like he saw that gunman do a while back. Well Boss tore into young Nicholas something fierce as he should. If it was me I'd a whooped him good. All Boss is doing is yelling a might and explaining how dangerous it is to play with loaded weapons. You ain't heard this from me but I do believe I heard the Boss apologizing to Nicholas and taking on some of the blame himself. Takes a right big man to admit something like that. Especially a proud man like the Boss."

My attention is now on Erik and Nicholas, Tex grabs his chance to move out of my reach. I want to give Nicholas a lecture of my own but I won't as I think on this issue he will listen to what Erik is donning his gunbelt Erik lays his hand on Nicholas' should gently then raises his other hand to let it hover over my son's head hesitantly. I know he wants to stroke Nicholas' hair affectionately but something holds him back. In the end he just says something to him which brings about a vigorous nod of the head and a wide smile of relief to Nicholas' face.

Erik continues to stare after Nicholas as he skips away to join the men who are saddling their horses and checking their gear. Shorty has picked out one of the gentlest mares for Nicholas to ride. He would be devastated if I had him sit with me and Nicole as I want. I try so hard not to smother him and his natural urge to test himself in this world. I am glad he has Erik and the others to curb his less than safe curiosity and their willingness to call him on poor choices while explaining to him why he should not do certain things just yet.

Erik turns my way and takes a few steps until he notices I am looking at him and he knows I have seen him with my son and the outcome. I smile reassuringly to let him know I approve of how he handled things. I do think Erik thinks he is not a good enough person to be around me and my children. I don't know why he feels less than other men. He has proven himself to be equal to any man I have met.

When he continues toward me for some reason I find it hard to breathe. My body heats up as I see him look me up and down. Not offensively but thoroughly. Briefly before he can quell it appreciation lights his eyes. As he passes by he does not speak but tips his hat with his fingers lightly pulling at the brim. With sudden clarity I have a vision of those fingers gently gliding over my skin. Now I must turn away before he can see just how wicked my thoughts are and the telltale tide flooding my face proclaims to the world just what I am feeling. A woman my age should not blush at every turn just because womanly thoughts are racing through her mind.

"Mama, don't feel funny because you like Erik touching you. I like it when I put my hand in his. It makes me fell safe. He picked me up this morning Mama. I think he must be the strongest man in the whole wide world," she says in admiration as if someone able to lift her small frame is close to Hercules.

Narurally she picks up on me emotions. I forget at times just how intuitive my daughter can be. She isn't old enough to interpret my embarrassment as anything other than I am feeling at odds with the moment. I dread her coming of an age to completely understand the sort of emotions I do have toward Erik. Perhaps it would be best if she kept her knowledge to herself.

Everyone is mounting up so I lift Nicole up onto the wagon. Raising my leg to the boot step I suddenly feel strong hands lifting me up as long fingers span my waist from behind. Without seeing who has come to my aid I know it is Erik. All too soon I am stepping into the front of the wagon. Now I can look down at Erik. We exchange more than a mere glance of thank you and you are welcome without speaking a word. His eyes burn into mine with something so fierce it frightens me while at the same time filling me with such longings I have to gasp in order to catch my breath. I feel something running over my hand and when I turn my gaze downward it is Erik's finger gently stroking over the back of my hand.

Swallowing becomes just as difficult as breathing had been. How can something so incongruous as a man's finger stroking over my skin fill me from head to toe with such heat? If he continues much longer I fear I will burst into flames where I sit. Places a woman longs to be touched are making it known to me that I would dearly love for Erik to explore me more thoroughly than just his finger on the back of my hand.

I am saved from embarrassing myself when someone kicks their horse into motion and everyone follows suit. It surprises me when Erik doesn't use this opportunity to release both of us from whatever it is that is binding us in this moment. I may be seeing what I want to see but I swear he has the look of a man who will be continuing with what he started later. I can see the promise of that in his eyes. I want what he promises but at the same time the unknown can be frightening. Delicious shivers of anticipation bring out the gooseflesh on my arms. I hope I am sending Erik the message that I will welcome anything he has to offer and not just sitting here staring back at him with lust crazed idiocy.

He must see something he likes for a genuine smile crosses his very tempting lips. Erik and a smile is a combination that could bring the most hardhearted woman to her knees. I myself feel a melting within my core. Much more of this and I shall liquefy and slide right off the seat onto the ground at his feet. I must say I am relieved as well as disappointed when he heads toward Apparition. I don't think I have ever seen a more magnificent sight than Erik astride his mount. They are a contrast of light and dark. Both are strong and well muscled. I think they share an unbridled appreciation for racing across the open range feeling the wind rushing past as they head toward the horizon.

Erik does have an appreciation for wide open spaces. He does not like being in the house when it is daylight. It is as if he can't stand not to see every single ray of light the sun shines down on us. I have noticed he loves the feel of it on his face. More than once I have imagined his face without the mask with the sun beating down on him. Maybe one day if he trusts me enough he will show me what he thinks no one will accept. I could tell him that a woman who loved a man could see beyond mere superficial looks. A man's inner self is more important than his outer shell just as it is in a woman.

Taking up the reins I slap them down to get the horses moving. Perhaps over the next day or two I can show Erik I am not immune to his charms and would welcome any demonstrations he cares to give me as to how he feels. I can still feel his fingers stroking the skin of my hand. With such a simple touch he has set aflame desirous longings within me. Something wonderful is just within our grasp I am sure of it. All we have to do is let it happen.

**A/N: Hope I haven't lost readers due to delayed postings. I'll try to post more often. I try to allow time so I can get a few reviews. A good number of reviews entices other readers to drop in. To those who do review I send delicious and decadent virtual chocolates. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

**Range War **

**Erik's POV**

My insides are twisted in knots. Not from any illness but from frustration. I am either going to have to make some move to further my relationship with Hannah or send her packing. Neither idea has any appeal. If I do make some gesture and she rejects me I would likely send her packing no matter if I have already told myself I wouldn't. I am not a man who can live with anything that reminds me of pain I have suffered or will suffer at some future date.

Christine's ring nearly resided in the dark and murky bottom of the ocean on the voyage to America. I had been deeply depressed one evening after having observed so many happy couples sharing something so mundane as a meal. Imagining all that Christine shared with her husband pulled me deeper into my depressive state. Everything looked black and bleak. I could see no light around me, not one positive thing to shed even the smallest ray of light in my darkness. Just as my hand had raised to hurl the ring overboard the wind had picked up and I know as mad as it sounds I heard Christine beseeching me to stop.

I had gripped the ring so hard that I carried its imprint for days on the palm of my hand. I am still in the dark as to why I let my imagination keep me from ridding myself of such a real reminder of how I failed as a man. I have since placed that ring inside a wooden box I buried underneath all the opera house memorabilia at the very bottom of one of my trunks. I know it is there but do not have to see it and remember my shame. There are days now when I do not even think of Christine at all. The spot that used to ache in my chest now only has a twinge now and then. I am glad God saw fit to let my past fade so as to ease my suffering.

Today we will head toward the place where Hannah's husband had built a temporary pen. Replacement wooden slates have been brought to repair any damaged by the weather or two legged animals. Usually I like riding with the other men but for now I need my solitude. Having spent most of my life in solitude I rarely seek it out anymore. I prefer companionship. I have built a good rapport with the men. Those first couple of months they tested me as no one else ever did and live to tell of it. My restraint during that time still amazes me. One short year before and they would have gone to bed one not and not awoke to see the sun. I had learned to take their practical jokes in my stride with only curses to show my anger. I did not strike out physically or fire anyone even though I would have had just cause. In this way I feel I earned their respect and loyalty. They appreciate my ideas just as I am willing to learn from them and take advantage of their experience. Out here everyone must form a bond and work together or suffer the consequences just as Clayton Garrison did. The men didn't like speaking ill of the dead but felt duty bound to let me know just where things had been left untended so they could be fixed before they were beyond repair.

Riding drag is not one of the most amenable places for anyone to have to sit on a horse sometimes for hours at a time. I volunteered today so as to take myself out of temptation's way. Hannah is up ahead with some distance between me and the wagon she is driving. A few strays have been picked up along the way. With the sun beginning its descent we will need to make camp soon. Tex said there is a good place over the next ridge that a small branch of the river flows through. It will be perfect for setting up the temporary pens and convenient for bathing and cooking. Not many like to ride behind several moving head of cattle as the dust and other not very pleasant occurrences make it a very nasty place to be. At the end of the day whoever this unlucky person is will undoubtedly be coated in a thick layer of dust.

It is a bit cooler than I like it for outdoor bathing so I have brought along the portable tub. I took a lot of flack when I asked for it to be loaded but by damn I'll be using it as I please. Too many years living as an animal have instilled pride in my appearance and a liking for cleanliness. A tent has also been added to the luxuries I have brought along. The men may do as they like but I shall partake of these bits of civilization and enjoy them immensely. I did notice several men packing a towel in their saddlebags. They may use my tub but I'll not fetch the water or heat the kettle for them. My generosity ends at providing the means to hold the required amount of water for bathing.

I am brought out of my introspection by shouting and several men cutting away from the herd to ride out a distance to the west of us. They pull up to a sudden halt that brings the horses to a near sitting position as they dismount. Clearly this is a matter of some urgency. Signaling for Jedediah to join me I keep watch on what is happening that has them so excited. Spurring his horse he rides over to me. When he reaches me he pulls up and asks, "What'cha need boss?"

"Take my place. Something is wrong just to the east of us. Tex and Shorty have gone to check it out but I'd like to see what is wrong for myself."

Tipping his hat respectfully he says, "Sure thing boss." Looking up he says, "Something dead or dying. Vultures are circling overhead."

I am not well versed in such things but have learned a gathering of these birds does not bode well for someone or something. We have not said anything but we both know what is likely happened. Something has taken down a cow or it has had some unfortunate accident. Jedediah is grimfaced and that is all the emotion he will show. Men out here must be hard at times. It is a balancing act they have between being hard as nails when needed then softer with the womenfolk and children.

Even though he is young at only eighteen he is a hardworking and trustworthy young man. Knowing I can count on him I head Apparition in the easterly direction Tex and Shorty took. It only takes me a minute to join them. As soon as I am alongside them I can see what has caused their concern. A cow has been shot. Not far from her is her calf. It has been shot but it is still alive. Knowing it is beyond saving Tex pulls his gun out to take care of what needs to be done. If we had found the calf earlier I would not have let Tex end the poor creature's life. It has suffered long enough. The breaths it takes are too shallow and too far between to have much fight for life left.

I can't bear to look as Tex raises his gun and a shot rings out echoing over the valley and perhaps into the distant mountains. Whoever did this horrible thing will pay. I know it is someone from Roland's side of the fence. Those men he hires are just short of criminals. Not of the same criminal background as the men I have at the ranch but men more dedicated to doing harm on others especially if the price is right. Some do it just because they enjoy inflicting pain or it adds another notch on their gun if they take a life whether by fair means or foul. One hired gun in particular has already had a run in with me, Jake Duggan. That man is a gunslinger out to earn a name for himself. He has drawn several young men into gunfights. The sheriff would like nothing better than to run him out of town. I cannot imagine why Roland puts up with him. My own experience with the man left a bad taste in my mouth. He had accosted me in front of the dry goods store where Hannah had gone to pick up some material to make a new dress for Nicole. Since I rode in with her and the children on the wagon I had to wait for them to come out.

While I waited Jake had come along tossing out sly innuendos about Hannah and our living arrangement. If Hannah and had not come out followed by Nicholas and Nicole I would have dealt with the man properly. He would perhaps have come away with his life but he would have learned never to insinuate such vulgar things about me or Hannah. I ignored him as he continued to hurl taunts at me and Hannah. Her cheeks burned with shame, undeserved or not. I do think that man is the one doing all of this mischief as a way to force my hand. I may just have to take him up on his offer whether I want to or not. I have become fast and very accurate with a six-shooter. I can't say if I am fast enough to win over Jake but being of a brighter mind I can plan where and how we shall meet and it won't be with a few of his cronies sitting in wait atop the roofs of surrounding buildings as in the case of his last few gunfights.

"Boss me and Tex'll take care of this. I figure you can break it gentle like to the youngins. They've taken to you right nicely. I ain't no coward and neither is Shorty but when it comes to women and children crying we'd rather face a mad bull."

Well I could have told them that I am not immune to a woman's tears or the hurt children suffer. Too many times I myself suffered horrendous treatment and then later I had to deal with Christine and her grieving for her father and later her tears over me and Raoul. I still do not care to have others cry around me. I feel pain with every drop that falls from their eyes. It was that way with Christine and I suppose it will be that way with Nicholas and Nicole although I think Nicholas will try manfully to hold his tears at bay.

If I could avoid them knowing altogether I would do almost anything to make it so but already the wagon is headed this way with Nicholas riding beside it. Nicholas is the first to arrive only seconds before the wagon. I see him swallow back a cry and turn my eyes toward the wagon. Nicole's eyes immediately fill with tears and she clamors down from the wagon before Hannah can stop her. I want to grab her before she can see the whole horrific mess but she runs toward us then falls to her knees by the calf. Reaching out a hand she strokes the small head. She keeps her hand above the neck so as to avoid the blood. Looking up at me with tear drenched eyes she asks brokenly, "Why?"

I don't know if she is asking why someone shot the innocent creature to begin with or why he had to be put down. As the terrain is flat in this area I do believe they would have seen what happened.

Before I can formulate an answer she gets up and launches herself at me grabbing me around my hips. It is all I can do to retain my balance. I won't reprimand her or demand she let me go. This is the same delightful child who connived me into carrying her this morning faking a dreadful injury.

I can't remember ever having such an emotional connection with anyone other than Christine but with Nicole leaning against me as she holds me as if she will never let go I feel something warm and tender flow through me. A frightening realization strikes me. Not only do I have feelings for Hannah but Nicole and Nicholas have stolen their way into my heart. Little by little without me being aware they wormed their way in. How could I let this happen? I am not fit to care for anyone. Likely I will let my inner beast out to ruin anything that might develop.

Of course I knew I cared for them but I tried to fool myself it was only caring as one human being cares for another. I have lied and I shall pay dearly when I do something to turn them against me as I am sure I will. Even as my mind tells me to distance myself so I might protect my own slightly broken heart I know I cannot push any of them away. Whatever the cost it is a price I will pay ten times over just to savor the moments I can and store them away for the time when I am alone once more. A lasting relationship of any kind has always been just out of my reach. After Christine I thought I had firmly let go of that nonsense of forever when it comes to people in my life.

Nicole pushes away from me. Giving me a watery smile she whispers brokenly, "It's alright Erik. I know it had to be done. I was only crying because he's so little. God will let him into heaven don't you think?"

Something I can't explain urged me to bend my knees and pick her up in my arms. Wiping her tears with my fingers I say the words she wishes to hear whether I believe them or not. Who am I to say what God will and will not let into heaven?

"I don't know anything for certain but I believe that God would want all of his creatures to reside with him in heaven when they leave this world." Any further reassurances are interrupted by Gabe riding to join us. He has been scouting ahead for signs of cattle. He tips his hat respectfully then turns to me looking grim.

"Boss I think you might want to come look at what I found. Shorty, Tex, stay with Mrs. Garrison and the youngins. I need the boss to come with me. Ride the perimeter and keep your eyes open."

Gabe is usually the jokester among the men. At the moment his face holds only grimness. Even his eyes hold not a glimmer of his usual joie de vivre. Setting Nicole on her feet I stoop down so we are eye to eye. Brushing the few strands coming loose from her braids I try to say something reassuring.

"Everything will be alright. Stay with your mother and Nicholas. When I get back we shall deal with the departed properly." As ridiculous as having a burial for cattle I can see it pleases her that I consider them worthy of respect. What harm will it do if she feels I am a of a kinder nature than is true. Truth is we would have had to rid ourselves of the carcasses before they began to rot and draw predators down on the herd.

Mounting I take on last look at Hannah before I set Apparition in motion. This time away will allow me a few moments to collect myself before I have to face Hannah and her children. My defenses need to be shorn so I can better withstand the onslaught of emotions I am sure to feel upon my return. Death has a way of bringing people together even if it is only the death of an animal. Death is death and affects most people. Only the ones with little regard for human life can take a life with no regrets or remorse. I have my own regrets for the lives I took. If I could undo any of it I would pay whatever price God demanded.

We have only been riding about five minutes when we come to the scene Gabe wanted to show me. Bringing Apparition to a slow walk I can see nearly twenty or so cattle lying on the ground which is covered in blood. Pools of it are near each of the carcasses. These cattle are not shot, they are riddled with arrows. Training my eyes to the ground I can make out prints in the churned up earth. The horses were shod so they were not Indian ponies. This was an attempt to put the blame on some wandering smaller band of Indians to throw us off the track of the real slaughterer of my cattle.

If I follow the prints they will lead to Roland's property I am sure. The fence will be cut. Until now the fencing cutting had only been a nuisance. Now this is an all out declaration of war. Talk of a range war has been spoken about during every get-together in the area. The larger Cattle Barons are trying to push the smaller owners out so that their land can be opened back up for grazing and a shorter path to water.

When I bought this place I had no idea a range war had been already brewing. Ranchers have been shot while tending their herds, wire has been cut, animals have been shot or poisoned. All of this has been done in the name of what the Cattle Barons claim as a God given right to open range. There is still open range set aside by the government but little enforcement is coming from Washington as Wyoming has yet been declared a state in the Union. Any justice that is to be had will likely come from whoever wields the most power. As for myself I would rather live in peace. The river does not look as if it will suddenly dry up in the next few years and as long as we do not interfere with nature too much it should continue to flow as it has for hundreds of years. The same can be said for the grasslands. As long as we do not overstock the land or make the mistake of not letting it be replenished then even the grasses will grow again. Moving the herd is essential for new growth to happen.

"Gabe stay here. I need to return so I can send out a couple of men to begin digging a pit. These carcasses must be disposed of. I don't want Hannah or the children to see any of this. Be careful. You may want to remove your rifle from your scabbard just in case."

With a nod from Gabe signaling he understands I turn Apparition back the way we have come. I'll have to tell Hannah what has happened but the children do not need to know of this latest senseless brutality. Such carnage is something one might expect of a rabid wolf with nothing to curb its basic instincts. Knowing this heinous act had been committed by human beings with clear thinking minds is unsettling. Might they not escalate their activities to include the people living and working on my ranch? Roland is the only one who stands to gain from this and yet he continues to claim he has no hand in any of the actions taken against me thus far.

If I did not have a sense that he speaks the truth I would have dealt with him after the first incident. I can see now I'll have to begin nightly rounds on my own. I have always had the ability to blend in with my surroundings and remain unseen when it suited me. I will need to hone my skills with my old friend the Punjab. It is a quieter and very affective weapon and requires no replenishment of ammunition.

When I returned to the others it was just as difficult to relay what had happened as I thought. A cowboy has an affinity with living things as it is their lot in life to safeguard hundreds of animals over long distances during a drive. Too lose so many senselessly understandably angers and frustrates them. I know they'd like nothing better than to hunt down every last culprit and do some very uncivilized things to them but they know just as I do that we still have responsibilities to the living to keep us busy.

Hannah had taken the children to the wagon asking them to help set up camp. This afforded me the opportunity to relay all the gruesome details to the others as well as the trickery of the men who committed this crime. As predicted they voice there anger as I expected but cool down as I remind them of the task at hand.

Tex and Shorty have gone to aid Gabe. They may have to spend the night out if they don't get the task completed tonight. They should be back by afternoon tomorrow. We will have packed up and moved on but they will be able to follow our trail and join us later.

As I am placing my bedroll on the ground I can't help but send Hannah a few admiring glances. She has managed to start a roaring fire with a tripod of metal bars over it from which she has a large pot in which I do believe is stew. The aroma has my stomach making noises I am glad no one is close enough to hear.

There is a pan set just on the outside of a pile of smoldering coals. She turns it every so often. Unless my senses deceive me she has managed to make biscuits. Fresh baking bread is just one of the many memorable smells Hannah has imbued in my brain during our association. The first morning I woke smelling freshly baking bread I would have sworn I had died and gone to heaven. Now she creates the same miracles for the pallet out on the open range. For her cooking skills alone I can't imagine why some man has not snapped her up. This thought brings a bad taste to my mouth. I believe thinking of Hannah with anyone other than me is not something I care to think about. This is further proof just how far gone I am. It will take only a slight nudge to topple me over into territory I should not enter given my history and what my mask hides.

The meal is appreciated but eaten in relative silence. Even the children seem to know that tonight is a solemn occasion. Hannah refuses help from everyone other than Nicholas and Nicole. Nicholas of course would rather sit around the fire with the men and speak of manly things but his mother is adamant. He will help clean up then water will be warmed for baths. I am glad Hannah brought up the subject of baths as I am dying to rid myself of inches of dust and dirt from today's ride.

Since it is so late using the tub is cut to just a few minutes. I can take a longer one the next time. I have only been settled in my bed for a short time when my ears pick up the sound of an approaching horse. It is only one rider. The fire has died down but has enough wood to last until morning so it lights up the immediate area. Slipping out of bed I quietly make my way just outside the circle of light. Long unused talents come back so easily it would frighten me if I were not so grateful to have retained them. I know I will only use my skills on someone seeking to harm me or anyone or anything under my care.

Since there is little cover where we have made camp of necessity I must crawl on my stomach which negates the benefit of my bath. Luckily I remembered to pull on my gloves as now my hand rests in a still fresh pile of something I don't which to name. Smell alone identifies what it is. Seeing a rider coming nearer to camp all I can think about is protecting Hannah and the children. If any harm ever came to them I hate to think what I would do to the perpetrator of such an offense.

When the horse came just ahead of me I spring up and raise the gun I had at the ready should I have need to protect myself. I can't say this person is a criminal mastermind if it had been his intention to sneak in and murder us all while we slept. He did not even have a sidearm although there is a rifle in his scabbard.

"Stop right their or I will place a bullet in the base of your skull." I invoke my most frightening Phantom voice I used to use on the personnel of the opera house.

"Now Erik is that any way to treat a neighbor who comes to offer you his help rounding up strays?"

I recognize Roland's low baritone at once but still do not lower my weapon. I feel I can trust him but I find I do not like it that he has come just when Hannah is with us. He always shows up just when Hannah is around. Sometimes I do think he has a little bit of my former personas capabilities when it comes to spying and finding out information.

"I am not feeling kindly disposed toward you since I found over twenty head slaughtered today. It was staged to look like an Indian raid but the horses were shod and besides that an Indian would have taken the meat and hides. They do not believe in killing an animal without reason. This brutality would give them no advantage but would bring the army down on them. It isn't likely they would attack the herd and leave the ranch house untouched."

I hear Roland cursing enough to burn my ears were I of a more tender nature. I bet he never let fly such language when Hannah was present.

"Erik I am truly sorry but let me assure you I did not sanction anything like this. I may not mind if someone takes it into their head to cut a fence wire or pull up a post now and then but that's as far as I will tolerate breaking the law. Believe me I will get to the bottom of this. Now if you don't mind I'd like to put my hands down and not be shot in the back like a common cattle rustler."

Hoping to irritate him for a few seconds longer I delay giving him my answer. When I do he turns and gives me what I am sure is one of his famous white toothed grins. The kind Hannah is bound to find attractive. I am glad she will be fast asleep and will not be getting a look at this western Romeo. If I have my way he will gone long before the sun comes up.

"I see you do not have a bedroll. What a shame you will not be staying." That cretin has the gall to give me one of those damn smirks I hate. Without saying a word he begins to walk toward camp. I have to force myself to keep from running at him from behind and tackling him to the ground. If I had not vowed never to kill again perhaps I would shoot him. No, I cannot do that. I would have to explain to Hannah and the children why I shot him in the back.

Catching up to him I ask casually, "So should you not be heading home?"

"Well since you have not offered a bed to me I suppose I will just have to ask Hannah if she has room in the wagon. I do think it will be mighty cozy don't you Erik?" I don't have to see the cheeky grin on his face to know it is there. I know he is trying to rile me by suggesting he sleep in such close quarters with Hannah and I damn sure cannot keep him from knowing just how badly I want to wipe that smile from his face.

"If you take one step closer to that wagon everyone could look for months and not find your body." Casually I place my hands on my guns. I have no intention of using them but I must put on a show in any case. He is challenging my manhood in a dangerous way. I have made no open declarations as to my intention toward Hannah but men know when another man has an interest in the same woman they do.

He slaps me on the back with enough force to have me stumbling to the side as he laughs at my expense and declares, "Erik you are so predictable. I can twist you like a top and have your head spinning without even breaking a sweat."

Stepping in front of me he says in a more serious tone, "I give you fair warning. If you haven't made some move to put your brand on Hannah then I will. That woman is too pretty and sweet to be on her own. Her first husband didn't know what he had and damn it all she deserved better. I can give her better than she had. So if you have no feelings for her I'll be claiming her for my own at the next dance. The next two weeks are all the time you have. After that I will come to call with my hat in my hand."

Wanting to drive my fist into him is an impulse I must conquer. It isn't the same as when Raoul came after Christine. Raoul knew how I felt and so did Christine. I had declared my love for her many times even if it sometimes came out in song. Every word spoke of my devotion and deep regard for her. With Hannah one moment I am hot and randy then the next I back away and become distant. It would serve me right if she did turn me down and seek comfort in the arms of another. Why she has not given Roland permission to court her is beyond me. He is the type of man every woman wants while I…am not.

Knowing I won't sleep a wink tonight I saddle Apparition and head out for the herd. Perhaps I will sing to them. Music calms them and usually someone sings while another plays a harmonica. It has been too long since I have used my voice for anything other than speaking or raised in anger. It is time to bring the music in my soul back to life.


	10. Chapter 10

**Warning: Sexual content. **

**Chapter Ten**

**Desires of the Heart **

**Hannah's POV**

Erik road into camp just as I began stirring the batter for pancakes and Nicole has poured him a cup of coffee. She has become so attached to Erik I don't know what will happen if we are forced to leave here. I can see from the lines on his forehead he is in deep thought. I forget what I am doing when he lifts his head up and trains those hypnotic eyes on me. At the last second I grip the bowl before it drops to the ground.

Watching Erik unsaddle Apparition is something to behold. A feast of rippling muscles is right before me. Lord what that man can do to me without trying must be a sin for I sure do have sinful thoughts.

Last night I heard Roland's voice I am sure of it. This morning though, there is no sign of him. I have no idea what was said between Erik and Roland but feel it has something to do with me. So many possibilities are stirring around inside my head it is hard to concentrate on the task at hand. As I move about preparing breakfast I can still feel Erik's gaze firmly fixed on me. What this means I am afraid to speculate. I know what I want it to mean but don't know if I am prepared to follow through with my inclinations should he approach me.

Breakfast is consumed quickly as the herd needs to be kept near the pens when we are ready to drive them in to make it easier for branding and checking for illness or wounds. The men leave one by one with only Erik remaining in camp. When he came in he unsaddled Apparition. The men tease him about mollycoddling that animal. Erik wards off their ridicule by stating his animal is worth every bit as much as all of their mounts put together and then some. It is true and each of those cowpokes would give all they owned to own such an animal.

He should be saddling up Apparition but so far he is just sitting with his back leaning against his saddle with his leg bent at the knee and his arm resting on that knee. It has not gone unnoticed by me that this places his manhood on prominent display. I doubt he knows this or the fact that his arousal is clearly displayed for anyone who cares to take notice. I appear to be the only one with such a desire to see Erik in this way. Countless times I have found myself staring from underneath my lashes at his strong thighs and follow them to the juncture where the seat of manly pleasures are found. God in his infinite wisdom created a matching place on a woman. At the moment that place is being set afire just imagining Erik nestled between my thighs. I will surely burn in hell for my thoughts but what a way to spend my last days on earth if this is my time to go. I am willing to chance that God did not give us such desires if he did not want us to explore them. Not everyone has the opportunity to marry. Does that mean they should never experience such carnal bliss? I for my own part think not. Of course I may be just trying to justify my own lecherous thoughts and desires toward Erik.

The men looked at Erik strangely. They may look and act as if they have little on their minds half the time but in truth most of them are quite intelligent and are able to read people well. Most of them never spent a day in a classroom other than the school of life. I have no idea about Erik's background but he does seem to be a man of learning and culture. Although he has yet to play the piano that arrived a few days ago I have heard him singing to the cattle and sometimes in his room before he comes downstairs. At times I think he is unaware he sings at all. Music I imagine is one of his hidden talents he has yet to share with us other than by accident. He does not sing on those occasions he comes to church with me and the children. I do feel it is not for a lack of will to do so but something else which holds him back. One day I hope to unlock all of Erik's secrets and will share all of mine with him although I have very little to share as my life has been mundane and without excitement. That is until the day Erik arrived and then I think life took on a different flavor. Every day seems to hold some unseen wonder I must discover. All my discoveries thus far have led me to Erik.

Surprisingly Erik does not head out with the men. He gives orders what he wants done and listens to suggestions. Erik's willingness to listen to the advice of those who work under him has always impressed me. Clayton lacked that quality. His competitive nature spurred by his jealousy of his brother would not let him admit his own failures until it had gone too far to save anything.

Washing the dishes does not alleviate the tension I feel building between Erik and I. His constant closeness as he brings stacks of dishes to me is driving me to distraction. I wish now I had not allowed Shorty to take Nicholas and Nicole to see the herd of wild horses grazing just over the hill. Likely they will beg to stay and watch for an hour or more. It was kind of Erik to allow him to do this when every hand should be out looking for strays and unbranded yearlings. Why Erik hasn't gone I can't even guess or perhaps I do know but prefer to not think about the reason. With only Erik and I in camp this silence is beginning to unnerve me. I feel a sense of expectation but for what I am not certain.

When he comes to within a few inches of me and asks suddenly, "Would you care to take a ride after the dishes are done? We will only go a short distance and can be back before you need to begin preparation for lunch."

Drying my hands after setting the last cup back in the side compartment of the wagon I hesitate turning to face him. My heart is pounding out some chaotic rhythm in my chest. My hands are perspiring so I rub them down over my apron. An urge to straighten my hair is nearly impossible to restrain. I know my face must be flushed from the heat of the water which is probably just as well as what is going through my mind right now would bring a blush to my face for sure. Imagining Erik astride Apparition racing across open range with only the wind for a companion is breathtaking in my imagination so in reality I daresay it will be superbly divine.

I can't stall any longer so I turn to face him. I am nearly struck speechless by the intensity of his gaze. Lord Almighty what that man is doing to me I know is a sin but one I am willing to explore and expand. When I do manage to speak it is not in a voice I recognize as being mine. Surely that dark sultry voice doesn't belong to me. "I would like to join you very much Erik."

That is all I can manage and it is enough for Erik turns to head toward the horses that have been tethered to a rope stretched between two posts. He chooses a gelding for me and naturally he will be riding Apparition. I offer to saddle my own mount but he only shakes his head. I have to admit he is quite fluid in his movements and completes the task in half the time it would have taken me. I had the added benefit of watching Erik's muscles move and bunch in his back and arms for the second time today. He was a man of some strength when he came but is even more so now. His arms are something to behold. It is very easy to fantasize about those strong arms holding me during the act of lovemaking and afterward. I dare not look Erik in the eye at the moment for surely my thoughts are written clearly on my face.

Even though I can mount on my own I allow Erik to encircle my waist and lift me up so I can place my foot in the stirrup. I would like nothing better than for Erik to continue to hold me but I force my leg over the saddle and set my foot in the other stirrup. Grasping the reins I give my mount a reassuring pat. Erik is poetry in motion as he mounts that majestic white beast. Both horse and rider look a little wild and ready to leave all restraints behind them. I do think Erik and Apparition enjoy those rides they take now and again out on the open range. If one wants to feel freedom all they need do is ride out and give their horse his head. Nothing can beat the wind rushing by as mile after mile is left behind along with worries and the world for as long as man and beast can keep up the pace.

Now that we are alongside one another I can't think of a single thing to say. He must think I am dull-witted. Half the time I am around him my tongue seems to become glued to the roof of my mouth. My words dry up around Erik. With almost everyone else I hold my own in a conversation. I am surprised when Erik suddenly brings Apparition to a standstill without any warning. I have to stop and turn around so I can rejoin him. He is looking at me with that intense look again. We are alone and there is nothing to distract either of us or save us from ourselves. Some part of me doesn't want to be saved. Without speaking Erik dismounts and tosses his reins across his saddle. Apparition will stay where he is.

Coming up alongside me and my horse Erik silently looks up at me for a moment before he raises his hands to grasp my waist. I allow him to lift me down. When I touch the ground I expect him to release me but he doesn't. I can feel his hands tightening around me while they are pulling me closer. My mouth opens in a gasp when I feel him pressed firmly against me. My whole body has come alive with sensation. Even as his head drops down to mine I know I want what will happen if he kisses me. It won't stop at just a kiss.

"Stop me now Hannah. For God's sake stop me now." Whether he means his words or not they are so much gibberish to me. I couldn't stop him if I wanted to or myself for that matter. I am like a drowning swimmer going under for the third time. If I go under this last time I will not come up again. I say let me drown in Erik's passion. Let us both drown and be reborn.

Who initiated the kiss is hard to say and it doesn't matter. Once our mouths touched with feather light brushes of our lips something unstoppable had been unleashed within us both. Erik pulled me with him to the ground without breaking the kiss. I am not experienced in kissing and feel Erik is no more so than I am. Perhaps it is the tentative way he first met my lips and now he doesn't seem to know what to do next just as I don't know. Falling to the ground Erik keeps his full weight from crushing me. I can feel and hear his harsh breaths.

Removing clothing is not as easy or romantic as it is in my fantasies or dreams. During those creations of my mind clothing melts away with ease. Erik has tried to pull my trousers off without removing my boots. I dare not laugh as I think he would take that as an insult to his manly prowess as a lover. Growling and cursing my boots he pulls them off then works to get the trousers down. I don't feel shy as he looks at me. It arouses me more than I could have imagined to have him see what no other person has seen other than my mother and myself.

Erik rips his shirt apart losing several buttons. He doesn't even bother to remove it before he is unbuckling his belt. My nerves are now beginning to show themselves. I have not seen any man without clothing, not even Clayton. When Erik's trousers come down past his hips I can only say my mouth must have dropped open wide enough for a train to pass through. Lord above how can I…how can any woman accept something so…so large into her body? I have heard there will be pain and now I can understand why. Along with fear came curiosity. I wanted to know what he felt like. Feeling Erik's stare fixed on me I became aware that I could feel the sun on parts of me that had always been covered unless I was bathing. He had a right to look his fill of me just as I had done of him. After a while I start to feel uncomfortable. I resist the urge to cover myself with my arms. I hope it is not unusual for a woman's bosoms to react as mine are to Erik's concentrated perusal. He is looking at me as if all of this were new to him. This cannot be as Erik exudes sexual appeal which will draw women to him without him needing to do or say anything and yet I sense his inexperience. Contradictory messages are flooding my lust fogged brain. Although his kiss had been tentative that could be because it was our first shared kiss.

He must have seen all he needed to see because with a drawn out groan he lowered himself down on top of me. Here I am completely unclothed with a man only halfway undressed about to do things to me I only ever imagined in dreams. Erik moves his hips against my nether region. I have to close my eyes as a wave so intense sweeps me away. A burning ache has started to spiral within me beginning where Erik's manhood rubs against a place that brings my hips up toward his. I want him to do it again and I am rewarded as he begins to move about at times hitting that special place and at others completely missing the mark. Realizing he is searching for the spot where women were made to receive a man's counterpart I spread my legs to accommodate him. This does not feel like what a man of experience would do. He continues to move about not able to find what he seeks. If I did not feel so incapable of doing anything correctly I would offer to help him but feel a man would not appreciate such a thing. Just when I am nearly driven crazy with Erik's hit and miss movements he plunges into me causing me such pain I feel as if I may pass out. When he groans and pulls back out I am relieved until I feel him moving downward again. I want to shout for him to stop but cannot as he enters me just as forcefully as he had the first time. This is not at all what I dreamed it would be. This is not the pleasurable pain I heard about. This is pure agony. What woman in her right mind would welcome this let alone want it to happen more than once?

The third time Erik enters me does not feel so painful. In fact I can feel those pleasurable tingles coming back. The more he rubs against me the higher I climb on the upward spiral. Now his movements are frenzied and I can feel something inside me tightening ready to spring forth with exquisite release. Just at this point I feel something filling me other than Erik's manliness. He is sweaty and grunting then slumps down onto me.

His breaths are coming in labored drafts that cool my skin on his exhales. I know this can't be the end and wait for him to do something, what I am not sure. I am pulsating with want and no way to satisfy what my body is craving. Right about now I would be happy to be one of those whores in town who would have no trouble letting Erik know just exactly what they wanted. I don't even have words to ask for such things let alone the courage to ask for anything so personal and intimate.

Erik drags himself off of me with a crude word I do not particularly care for. If I did not feel so frustrated and ready to scream I would reprimand him. He stands up leaving me down on the ground spread-eagled like one of those people the Indians stake out for torture on top of an anthill. With his back to me I can't see his face. He is speaking under his breath which may be a good thing. Now he is beginning to straighten his clothing. If I don't fix this now I feel that Erik will not be taking from me anything I want to give or finishing what he started in me. I don't know what I should say. What man wants to hear he left his lover wanting? As unbelievable as it sounds I have to conclude Erik is as unschooled in matters of intimacy as I am just as I suspected. The only reason I can think of for such a state of affairs is all the women he has met are selfish shallow beings.

"Erik I…" Angrily he turns toward me. His anger fades slowly as he sees me still prone in the grass just as he left me. If I am to gain what I want Erik needs to know I do not hold his lack of knowledge against him. I need not say I feel cheated. Going back over what happened and now knowing his chaste state it is a reasonable assumption that being this close to a woman with nothing between the two of us it must have been like lighting striking dried tender. The second the bolt of lightening is set against the dried wood it catches fire then begins to blaze and will burn out if not fueled with more wood. All I have to do is convince Erik to come to me again and let me stoke his fire and help him learn to stoke mine in a way that does not set him blazing out of control. I'll need to swallow any maidenly modesty I have in order to bluntly tell Erik what I want. I may not have the words to tell him but I do have the knowledge of what places garner the most pleasure when touched. This time around I want Erik to kiss my bosoms and touch more of me than what connected the two of us.

"I…I am sorry. I…it won't happen again. I…I know you must feel disgust for me but no more so than I feel for myself. If at all possible…if you would put this out of your mind I would be grateful."

Well that is not what I wanted to hear but his choked words find a tender spot in my heart so I cannot be angry. It isn't his fault no more than it was my fault I could not love Clayton or convince him to give our marriage a chance. Most things in life have to be learned and get easier and better with practice. Would not intimacy be something that would require much practice? I have already felt a little of what is to come and with patience and a willingness to be bold, we will both come away with something. I get something I want and Erik will get something I feel he needs desperately, confidence in his desirability. I do not think all of this is because of what just happened. Erik's face might have more to do with his anger than any failure to make love properly. Put together it could be devastating for anyone.

Reaching up with my hand I make a simple request yet it probably appears as if I have requested he complete some unobtainable feat. "Erik, come to me."

Disbelief clouds the green eyes I love so much. I continue to hold my hand out to him. Unless he turns away I will hold it in this position until either time ends or my arm falls off. Lucky for me I am not put to the test as Erik comes down beside me. He doesn't touch me or even look at me. Lying down on his back he keeps his gaze on the blue sky above. He may have his attention elsewhere for now but I do believe I know how to bring him to look at me.

Rolling over I rise up so I am hovering over Erik just as he hovered over me earlier. Daringly I place my hands on either side of his face. Predictably he stiffens and looks at me with mistrust. I know he is thinking of his mask. He doesn't like for anyone to ask about it and I am sure he doesn't like for anyone to touch it.

"Erik I am not disgusted by you. How could I be? I think you are a wonderful man. Nothing you did has changed my opinion. This isn't easy so please bear with me. No one is born with the knowledge how to do anything. We muck about our daily lives slowly wending our way through the maze God placed us in. We search daily for the correct avenues that unlock the mysteries of life. Sometimes we find just what we need and at other times we hit a dead end. Do we quite? No, we pick up and begin again. Through trial and error we eventually figure things out. Intimacy is not any different. We must learn what to do together. I will learn what gives you the most pleasure and you will learn what pleases me."

"After what I did earlier you would have me do it again?" There is amazement in his voice but also a bit of eagerness. To prove I meant what I said I lean down and begin to kiss him. I am not in any sense of the word a Goddess of love. Experimentation is what will bring us to where we want to be so in the spirit of helping with scientific research I relax my mouth and open my lips slightly. Slipping my tongue out I taste Erik's lips in a different way than merely pressing my mouth to his. A sound like a hum comes from Erik. I assume he likes this. I am sure of it when his tongue touches mine.

My hands have a mind of their own as they begin to run over the plains of Erik's chest. There is a fine coating of hair that prickles pleasantly against the palm of my hand. His skin is so warm. He is a contrast of soft and hard, smooth and rough. This is the first time the sun has warmed my backside and it gives me a feeling of brazenness to know I have not one thing on to cover what the Good Lord gave me and all of Erik's own heavenly gifts can be just as free as mine. I am not concerned about seeing underneath his mask. What I can see and feel already is plenty good enough for me. Hours could pass and I would not have enough time to explore him as I want.

So that I might see more of him I rise up to prepare to remove his boots and trousers. This time there will be nothing between us to impede our movements or our exploration of one another. Erik protests my moving by grasping my upper arms. His eyes snap open and I see that he is in fear that I will leave him in this aroused state. I could tell him that a woman can be just as aroused as a man is but there is not such a prominent testament to that as there is on a man. A woman's arousal signs are more subtle. At the moment I feel one move in just the right way and I would go off like a firecracker on the Fourth of July.

"I am not going anywhere. I only want to remove your boots and trousers so that I may see all of you just as you have seen all of me." Oh my. That hungry look I have seen before is back, more intense and looking less under control. Once on my feet Erik puts his hands behind his head with a wide grin on his face. Well at least one of us is relaxed. To remove his boots I will be straddling one leg at a time with my bared backside openly on display. I am worried their might be more of me back there than is good for me or more than Erik will like. Well those boots and trousers won't come off by themselves. If this is to progress I will need to simply shut out any image of what he might be looking at. I turn my back to him before I can change my mind. If Erik would put his foot on my backside and push this task would be so much easier but being a gentleman I know he won't do that in case he marks my skin or hurts me.

His trousers are much easier to remove. By now Erik is breathing like a winded stud after just having mounted his mare. The hard shaft of his maleness standing up and looking overly large to me is proof he is all too ready to do what needs to be done. I can see the bunching of Erik's muscles as he must be gripping his hands into fists. Some powerful emotions I feel are taking hold of him. Earlier he had drove into me quite forcefully giving me a glimmer of what may happen to me if I should reach such a plateau. With Erik now bared before me I can see that he is a well built man. His muscles are well defined without being overly developed as in some circus strongman. When he lifted me I could feel the power in his arms.

Tentatively I touch his legs with my hands. He stiffens but doesn't say anything. His eyes are closed and his arms are still up with his hands behind his head but I don't think he is so relaxed now. Hair from his legs prickles my palms as I work my way up the trunklike legs beneath my hands. He has very long well muscled legs. I have noticed many times how his legs have gripped the sides of Apparition and that image has set off countless fantasies for me.

I don't want the grass to leave marks on my legs should Erik desire taking a look at me later so I stretch out over Erik. A sound rumbles from his chest bringing my flesh to prickly bumps of excitement. Trying to remember just what Erik had done earlier I straddle his hips and look on his hard flesh with trepidation. It fit before even if it did hurt in the beginning. I don't know if the same pain will be felt at the initial joining every time or not. It doesn't seem as if God would have it so or surely procreation would not come about so often. Moving up and positioning myself over him I have to lay my hands on his chest for leverage and balance. Expecting an excruciating pain once more I am delightfully surprised only to feel myself being filled with all of Erik's erect flesh.

I don't know how long I sat there taking in the wondrous feel of him inside of me. It could only have been seconds but I suppose to a man in the grips of sexual tension it could seem endless. No longer is Erik's face merely tense it is becoming very fierce looking as if he is in the grip of some horrendous pain.

"Hannah, for God's sake move or I shall do something very profound." His voice is low and almost has a growl mingled in his tone. This must be how a man sounds when passion is in control of him. Delicious shivers overtake me just thinking of what action Erik might take. If I did not want to have this chance to discover how to make us both come to that high plateau of pleasure I would hold off just to see what he will do. I remember he moved his hips taking his flesh deep inside of me then lifting up so that he almost removed himself from me. Clumsily at first I do as Erik did and quickly become distracted as such powerful sensations begin to flood through me especially where his flesh touches mine every so often. That I think is the key, the movement of his flesh against mine.

The faster I move the more the coils in my belly tighten. Tremors are beginning to come, a few at first with increasing intensity the harder I push myself against Erik. He must like this also for he has clasped his hands around my hips showing me what rhythm he needs. Our mouths have not been idle during this gradual climb. When I first feel his lips clasp around my breast for a moment my focus is centered there. I can feel every flick of his tongue in parts of me in no way connected to the place he is adorning with such hot wet homage. Wanting to feel his hand on me I search for his hand at my hips and bring it up to cup my breast. Nothing on earth could have kept me silent when that man wrapped his hand around me. I cried out in my pleasure. I may feel ashamed later but in this moment it feels too good to do anything other than enjoy how he makes me feel.

Some force is taking hold of me. My fingers are curling inward and marking Erik's flesh. He groans but doesn't stay my hands in any way. In fact he raises his hips up to meet my downward thrust. I feel like some pagan princess during one of those fertility rituals I have read about in forbidden books written about ancient cultures.

I am covered with perspiration, my body is moving with abandon and my head is thrown back with unearthly sounds coming from me. Control is slipping away and being handed over to this inner temptress that I had not known existed inside of me. I want to feel Erik's mouth on mine so I place my lips over his in a kiss unlike any I have ever read about or imagined. This kiss held all the primal longings and demands passed down from a time when cavemen took their women by force dragging them to a cave so they could appease the inner beast. Nothing civilized or given stoically had anything to do with what Erik and I were experiencing. This was a give and take moment. We both gave freely and took greedily.

Just when I think I can't take another moment of this without dying my body spasms for a moment and in that second I cannot breathe cannot move. Just as suddenly as it started it passes to be replaced with more of the same. I can feel my insides gripping Erik reflexively with every spasm I experience. This must have triggered something within Erik as his face contorts even more and his thrusts are more forceful. His inhuman moans join mine. This must be a song lovers sing in their moment of bliss. Abandonment of all civilized restraints have both of us writhing about moaning and groaning as we kiss feverishly and touch each other as if we cannot bear to leave one spot unexplored. Erik moves his hands to cup my backside. I let him show what he wants and find it is what I want too.

With one last hard thrust Erik stiffens and releases proof of his passion inside of me. I collapse down on him breathing harshly just as he is. My hair has long since come undone and is hanging about both Erik and I in a tangled mess. Our mingled sweat is beginning to dry leaving a salty sticky feeling behind. Now that my mind is not clouded with passion I am faced with the problem of what to do now. Being naked before Erik while in the grips of passion was one thing but standing before him with the aftermath of lovemaking coating my inner thighs is quite another.

Knowing I could not lay on top of him for the rest of my life I gather what composure I can and lift myself away from him. Once on my feet it startles me to see just how impatient Erik had been to unclothe me. Everything is scattered about and some things have little rips. Buttons are missing from the shirt. I'll need to sneak into camp or come up with one whopper of a tale to explain why I am returning in such a state.

I pray the men are busy looking for strays and Nicholas and Nicole are still out hunting for the mustangs. My children are far too intelligent and curious to simply let me get away without a question or two. The men wouldn't dare ask outright but I know they would discuss things and speculate amongst themselves. The more clothing I replace the more embarrassed I become. How will I be able to look him in the eye ever again?


	11. Chapter 11

**Warning: Woo hoo. A little tryst between friends. Once the apple has been tasted the need for more of the fruit will become an urgent drive for fulfillment. Just my own POV of course. Then again who wouldn't come back to the apple tree if Erik might fall from it at any second? **

**Chapter Eleven**

**Delicate Dance **

**Erik's POV**

I cannot lie to myself about having no intension of taking whatever Hannah offered me. I wanted her and to that end I brought her out here away from everyone else. By my selfish actions I have placed her in a delicate position. Not only will everyone speculate what has gone on between us but I gave little or no thought about any consequences my actions may have. I don't know if being as I am my body is capable of giving a woman a child or not. Truthfully that issue never entered my mind not even when I fell in love with Christine. Nothing seemed to deter me from seeking my pleasure albeit a clumsy and inept attempt on my part.

Selfishly once again I put my needs and what I wanted above anyone else's. Not only am I an inconsiderate person but a careless one as well. I performed less than adequately the one time when it counted most. I suppose one could argue the second time we joined we both found our pleasure. If it wasn't so late I wouldn't mind exploring Hannah more. We wouldn't even have to join as lovers. I would be happy to merely look at her and admire God's work. When he made Hannah he had made the most of his canvas unlike when he placed me in my mother's womb. Would having Hannah as a mother negate having someone like me for a father? It is useless to speculate at this early date but I can't help wondering. Replacing my clothes is something I can do without taxing my mind too much. This small distraction gives me an excuse not to speak. What could I say anyway? Thank you for the most wonderful afternoon of my life and by the way if you should happen to find you are with child as the result of our encounter I will...will what? Marry her? Hand over to her enough money to live comfortably for the rest of her life? I can be certain she would not wish to have me propose marriage to her.

Despite knowing this I can't help wondering just how it would be to wake each morning knowing Hannah would be lying there beside me. The nights wouldn't be long enough if she were to share my bed. Hannah is already dressed and has gathered the reins of her mount. Apparition is patiently waiting for me to stop woolgathering and climb onto his back. He has been idle long enough. He will want to run full out on the return trip. The mood I am in I could use a good run myself but that will have to wait. The plug that Hannah is riding could not keep up with Apparition even if he started five minutes ago.

Hannah is standing expectantly just to the side of her mount. Leisurely she takes the few steps needed to bring us within touching distance. I would have thought she had enough of my touch by now. Her hand comes to rest on my chest and she grabs a fistful of my shirt. I could break away but damned if she doesn't lure me in like a fish chasing the baited hook. Helplessly I heed the slight tug from her fingers on my shirt. I am confused when she says nothing but looks up at me with her lids lowered and a welcoming smile that must be intended for me as there is no one else around other than the horses. I have an almost irresistible urge to kiss her but don't know if that is what her actions are signaling to me. Another man would know just what to say and do in this situation.

"Erik, kiss me. It may be a long time before we get another chance to be together." Her words cause some misfiring in my brain. Surely I have misheard what she said. Not only has she asked for my kiss but she intimated she expected much more at a later date. I just barely manage to hold back the words demanding she confirm what she says by specifically naming a day, month, year and every other word that would pin down an exact moment when I can expect another few hours spent in similar circumstances as we had today.

Eagerly I press my lips onto hers. I know nothing about kissing other than it is the meeting of two sets of lips and very enjoyable if done correctly. At least I think I pleased her with my kisses or had I imagined the impassioned press of her mouth against mine? Doubts set in freezing me so that I can only stand with my lips pressed unmoving on hers. My mind is blank just when I need to be sharp and bring some sort of facsimile of a proper kiss. She nearly has me undone when her tongue darts out to run wetly along my tightly closed mouth. Remembering how sensuous it felt to slid my tongue along hers and taste the inner recesses of her mouth some inner instinct takes over. I become the aggressive one. She must approve as she winds her arms around my neck. I have witnessed many duels on stage between two combatants but none of them could compare to the exquisite dueling of our tongues in this dance of advance and retreat. I would not have thought the tongue could be an instrument of sexual pleasure.

I would not have believed that after just having shared a very powerful union my body would be ready to perform so quickly. If I would not seem like a perverted lecher I would have her right here where we stand. That notion does stimulate me even more. Visions of me deeply buried inside of her nearly drive me over the edge. I want her again and would beg to have her but I know we must get back. It has already been too long since we left. The children may worry and the men will speculate about things I would prefer they not discuss around their campfires or during their nightly poker games.

Cowboys are a busy lot and to our good fortune mine are a conscientious bunch. Shorty has returned but is busy showing the children how to toss a rope over one of the posts of the temporary pen. If I was of a mind to win favor with Nicole and Nicholas I would show them just how accurate I am with a rope. For years a thinner version of the western rope had been my weapon of choice to kill with deadly silence. Questions I am sure would be asked about how I came by such knowledge, questions I don't care to answer.

For a moment I look at my hands recalling just how many lives came to an end because of me. When I first took a life it didn't seem wrong. I killed only to protect myself. Being a child I suppose some pardon would be granted for killing the man who had brutalized me for so long. Murders committed later I cannot justify so as to free me from my guilt. Arrogantly I had thought it within my rights to take what I wanted as the world gave me nothing but pain and rejection.

Wanting to enjoy Hannah again does not mean I have a right to do so or that I even should contemplate such a thing. Knowing how weak I am when it comes to things I want I know my resolve will falter. Hopefully I do not destroy the lovely woman Hannah is. I should fire her. Sending her away would take temptation out of my way. It would also be cruel to take away the only home the children have known since birth and Hannah for a good number of years also. For once I find myself wanting to put others wants and needs ahead of my own. Whether I can keep to that time will tell.

I cannot be in camp and not have my eyes drawn to Hannah with lustful intent. I have reawakened a beast that I thought I had beat down when I lost Christine. Even before her I had done all I could not to let my manly urges lead me astray and commit the heinous act of taking an unwilling woman. Joseph Buquet had gotten on my wrong side more than once by taking advantage of young girls. When his eyes turned to Christine I knew he must be dealt with. It had sealed his fate when he began stalking me. I could not allow him to accidentally come across one of my many hidden panels. A person with enough determination and dumb luck would eventually find a lever and open opened a doorway into my domain.

Riding out along one of my fence lines I spot a few posts that will need to be replaced. I don't know who is sabotaging my property but I damn well intend to find out. I am inclined to believe Roland isn't privy to the person committing these vicious acts but I am certain the person works for him, someone who feels the end justifies the means. There are several men I have had harsh words with when we come across one another either in town or when riding fences. Until just recently it had only been an exchange of words, a case of men posturing, trying to make others back down, a sort of a cock of the walk scenario. They thought because of my appearance I would be easy prey to their heckling. God help them if they give me cause to ever show them just what I am capable of doing in order to protect what is mine.

The sun is dipping down in the sky and still I cannot find ease enough to face Hannah again. If I ride herd tonight perhaps I can sneak into camp later and scavenge around for a bite to eat. My stomach is reminding me it is not used to missing meals like it did in the old days. It needs to be fed three meals a day with as many snacks in-between as I feel inclined to eat.

With the closest person being somewhere on the other side of the milling cattle I have an urge to sing. I haven't felt like expressing my music in this way for a long time. Hannah has reawakened that need in me. Rather than sing anything operatic which might startle the animals I sing something that I have heard the others sing. It is somewhat of a ribald tale but it does entertain me and seems to be agreeable to the animals nearest to me. We will be rounding them all up and putting as many as we can in the pens so they can be checked for illness and brands. Those past their prime will be sent to market. I try not to think about that end of ranching as if I did soon I would be overrun with cattle. I feel I treat them as well as I am able and assure they have a pleasant year or so before sending them on to be used for another purpose other than keeping the prairie from becoming overrun by tall grasses.

My thoughts keep my mind from wandering into places where it should not but it also keeps me from hearing an approaching rider. Singing out a very bawdy line with quiet fervor I stop mid sentence when a horse and rider suddenly appear before me.

"Well don't stop now Erik. Your voice is how I found you. I have to say none of the others can make a proposition to spread my legs and let you ride me like a wild bronco sound so sweet and tempting."

Hannah has pure temptress in her tone, the sort of tone a rather risqué woman of one of the cat houses might have. I should have my face slapped for what I am thinking and what my mouth wishes to ask. Hannah deserves better than to be treated like a common whore and she certainly deserves better than me. I won't do the gentlemanly thing and refuse anything she might offer even if it is to be only her company.

"Hannah I do believe your mother would wash your mouth with soap if she could hear you." I know this method is how she tries to keep Nicholas from repeating every curse he hears the men say during the day. A curse to them is almost the same as a how do you do spoken to another cowpoke. Cursing does not have to be used in anger which puzzles me greatly.

"Must I remind you I am only repeating the words you were singing so sweetly? I thought that was an honest invitation. Would you rather have one of the cows respond to your words?"

Anything I would have replied dried up as my mind processed what her words meant. Does she intend to intimate that she would…It sounds as if she is implying she hopes I am singing to her. How would I have known…I am being teased. She came out here looking for me and I just happened to be singing a song better left unheard by the tender ears of the innocent, although my dirty mind is shouting she is no longer innocent thanks to me and the beast within is rubbing his hands together grinning like a cat at the bowl of cream.

"Well I guess that silenced you. I came out to keep you company. Everyone is asleep except for those riding herd. I brought a blanket."

What does she expect me to say? Am I to infer we will be sharing that blanket? Why would she mention it otherwise? I can think of so many useful ways we might indulge ourselves on that blanket but I cannot take things for granted. When I sit staring at her as if I have become a mute she lifts her leg over the horse's back then jumps to the ground. I can see her pulling something from the back of the saddle. That must be the blanket she spoke of. Standing looking up at me in the dim glow of the moon I can see the reflection of light in her eyes. They look like luminescent pools.

"Well are you going to join me or not?" There is more than an offer to share her blanket contained in her words. My heart begins to pound and the beast between my legs swells until my trousers are tight. I need no second invitation. I am down on the ground a few short seconds after her last word left her luscious lips. I take the blanket she is holding out to me. Spreading it on the ground I offer her my hand so she may lower herself down to the blanket. Likely she does not need my help but I want to touch her and besides that is what a gentleman would do. Of course a true gentleman would not be thinking such wicked thoughts or have such wicked intentions as I do toward a lady.

Once she is safely down I then go down on my knees in front of her. Reaching out in the semi-darkness I run my fingers along her cheek and under her chin. Nothing has ever felt so sensuous as her skin under my fingers as her skin softly illuminated by the moon's light. A cloud is partially covering it so only some of it's light reaches us. When she begins to unbutton my shirt it is all I can do not to fall forward so I can lay claim to her swiftly and urgently. Sliding her hands under the material slowly my shirt falls from my shoulders then is placed somewhere to the side. Normally I am very particular about my clothing and its care but just now I wouldn't give a damn if the herd trampled over it and defecated upon the very expensive Egyptian cotton.

Hannah tugs at my belt buckle until the belt is able to be slid free of my trousers. This is unnecessary as she could have simply unbuckled it then undone my trousers. I get the feeling Hannah is toying with me, trying to work me up into a lust driven fiend. I am not far from her objective if that is her goal. My loins are afire with the need to possess and purge.

"Lie down Erik. I promise you won't regret obeying me. For now I am the master and you must do my bidding." The sultry voice reaching my ears sounds like a practiced courtesan. Her voice lures me to her like a helpless fly to the sugar bowl. I have already tasted her sweetness and willingly surrender to her call. I am helpless to anything other than follow her down as she begins to lean back. No sooner are we lying prone than she rises to hover over me. I watch in fascination as buttons seem to magically come undone. As each article of clothing is removed it is harder for me not to grab at her like a child eagerly grabbing at a treat.

Now that she is naked her hands come to my trousers. This time she is not as clumsy with my buttons. Lifting my hips she pulls them down to my ankles where my boots hinder her progress. With each foray into the realm of lovemaking we will learn what works best. It pleases me that she doesn't know any more about this than I do. Some day I shall have to ask her why she remained innocent even after marriage. I can't imagine anyone having the right to take her refusing to do so. I am not an expert but I believe I am the one to have broken through her maidenhead.

When at last we are both unclothed I am lying still waiting for her to demonstrate what it is that I shall find to my liking. Her leg comes over my middle and her knee grazes over my manhood. It springs back to full attention which I am glad to say she cannot see as now she is atop of me. I am not at all comfortable with her seeing so much of me but I know logically it is better to be able to experience the touch of your lover in every way possible. I am fairly sure other men are just as easily aroused as I am but I would hate for Hannah to think I am perverted. In a manner of speaking all males are perverted, most of us just know how to contain and keep that part of us in check. How I managed to do so with the ease which everyone in the opera house gave sexual favors without thought is probably due to my lack of experience than any gentlemanly manners.

I would not have taken Hannah for the sort of woman who would take command of any sexual encounter let alone sit astride her lover so boldly as she is at this moment. I am thankful it is I who will benefit from such actions on her part. As she slowly sinks down on me I have to say this is more graceful than before. I do not even have to prompt her to move as she begins to move in a way sure to drive me mad. The coil within me winds tighter with every slide of her warm moist inner wall over my very engorged flesh. I am pulsating in time with my thrusts upward.

Having her above me in this way does not diminish me as a man as I had thought it would, on the contrary, it makes me feel even more manly to have her panting and sweating with her head thrown back as moans work their way up to her throat and fill the night. I must quiet her or we'll be stampeded by startled animals. I do not wish to die without my clothes or with Hannah astride me. If I was in my own bed I wouldn't mind dying as Hannah brings me to my ultimate climax.

Cupping her breasts within my hands is not something I have yet become accustomed too or feel I am likely to tire of any time in the near future. I am rather taken off guard when Hannah reaches down to grab at my hair to pull me to her breasts. Since this is something I longed to do I will not complain that she may have pulled a few of my precious remaining strands of hair from my head.

It is becoming harder for me to control my own outcries as my threshold of release is within a few short strokes. I may have said something or in some unknown way conveyed how close I am to my final release as she takes my mouth in a kiss guaranteed to send shockwaves straight to my pulsating flesh. I can feel her tightening around me. This I remember is what happened just before her own climax gripped her earlier today.

We come to our journey's end almost simultaneously. Our groans are stifled by our mouths feeding on our passion. When we are spent neither of us can say a word. Hell I can hardly sustain my body by breathing in and exhaling out. After she has rested I will send her on her way. I will not let her compromise herself by having someone see her leaving me with only one conclusion to be drawn from such a visit. Hannah is becoming far more important than I am willing to accept just yet. There isn't much I can do to stop what has already happened but I must find a way to cool things off until I can come to grips with what having her permanently in my life would mean, assuming she would have me. I may be assuming more is between us than is there. I don't believe Hannah would come to me unless her heart were involved which adds to my burden as she knows nothing about me. My life is suddenly more complicated than when I pursued Christine, at least then I only had a rival to battle. Now I will have employees who think highly of Hannah, her children who adore her, Roland who would marry her given half a chance by Hannah and who would gladly kill me should I give him cause to suspect I have been less than honorable in my dealings with her, and last but not least is Hannah herself. She has given me something so precious words are not enough to express what it all means to me. I have much to consider in the next few days. Now if I can stay away from the tempting siren and shut out her call I can keep my mind clear so I might think and plan.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Spent the last 3 days in the hospital. Thought they might go ahead and do the surgery but the robotic equipment they need is not available yet. So they are giving me meds to stop the problem until I can get in to have the surgery. Nothing much I can do but write and post. So here is an early chapter for you. Thank you to all who send messages with good wishes. Keep praying for me. **

**Chapter Twelve**

**Parry and Thrust **_**Hannah's POV**_

I am a little confused and a lot disconcerted by Erik's attitude after what had been for me the most life changing experiences thus far for me other than marrying and the children. If I had shared such things with Clayton I am certain it could not compare to what transpired between Erik and I that first time or even our second coupling. I am woman enough to know that for men these things are not looked upon as we women tend to view them. For a man it is merely an act they enjoy then it is quickly forgotten until their need calls to them again. I had thought, stupidly I see now, that Erik had felt more than simple satisfaction having his needs met. Perhaps I saw more than there was to see. I would have sworn he felt something, some connection just as I did, still do.

Watching him take a turn at the branding iron I cannot miss the downward turn of his mouth as the searing hot branding iron melds with the hide of those cows he must lay claim to in the manner cowboys have done for as long as there have been ranches out west. Beneath all his gruff touch-me-not exterior Erik is a man with a sensitive side he likes to keep well hidden. I believe something or more precisely someone, has hurt him and nearly driven any tenderness completely from him.

He hardly speaks to me let alone looks at me during meals or if we happen to be in the same area at the same time I suddenly become invisible. I have tried to strike up a conversation but all I get are grunts or at least that is what he sounds like when he cannot ignore me altogether. I am getting pretty tired of his attitude but can see no way to get him cornered to ask him what I have done to deserve such treatment. I can think of nothing that could have caused his change of attitude toward me other than we were intimate. Perhaps he thinks that has sealed our fates together in some way. Maybe he fears I will make demands on him. Well I could set his mind straight if he would have the courtesy of giving me five minutes and speak properly to me. I'll not force myself on anyone. I am not that desperate for male companionship. If I find I am in need of such service again I'll not be seeking out Erik that is for sure. Rowland looks like a fair candidate for anything of an intimate nature I might need. I can almost bet my last nickel Rowland will not treat me as if I have suddenly contracted something contagious.

All the cattle are now branded and tallied. There is a good crop of yearlings this year. Erik should do well at market when he ships them back east. I heard the men talking about a lucrative contract he had negotiated with the army for cattle and some broken horses. I can see another roundup in our future, only this one will be for horses. I won't let Erik leave us behind as both Nicholas and Nicole would love to watch the wild horses be broken. If I think he is about to make some objection to our coming along I can have a private conversation with him so that I can make it clear I expect nothing from him not even any further…well I won't expect anything period.

"What'd you do to Erik Mama? He's kinda like that dog that came one day with the hurt paw. He growled and grumbled whenever anyone got near. Erik's kinda like that around you. I can talk to him and tell him you're sorry for whatever you did wrong," Nicole offered as she helped me pack up the supplies.

"I can't say as I did anything to him, least ways not anything I know of. Maybe he's just in a bad mood. We all get like that from time to time. It's nothing for you to worry about." If Nicole noticed all was not well between Erik and me then the others might have noticed as well. I won't have whatever problem Erik has with me affecting the children. They are innocent parties in this. They have lost enough in their young lives and I won't have them hurt by something I did, whatever it was.

"Maybe you should bake him some of those oatmeal cookies he likes. You know you always say sweet things you eat make for a sweet person…personally…person…"

I saved her stumbling by saying," Personality, it is pronounced per-son-al-i-ty." Tapping her on the nose with my finger I say, "How clever of you to think of that. He does have a sweet tooth doesn't he?"

"Yep he sure does. You know he's the one stealing the honey out of the honey jar. I saw him stick his finger in and take a big finger full. I didn't tell on him 'cause I didn't want to get him in trouble. You won't tell him I told on him will you?" She sounded so worried that Erik might be mad at her I gave her my reassurance that if I took him to task I'd say I had seen him with my own eyes. I am amazed how easily it is to make a child happy. Adults would do well to retain some of their childish traits as they grow older. With Nicole keeping me company work that would usually be boring and tiring passed much quicker than if I had done it alone. Most things out here are that way. Company could make the most mundane chores more agreeable.

Erik decided to leave the pen standing as likely we'd be coming out to round up a few of those wild horses. I did not care for the way he stressed he and the hands would be making that trip. His inference was that neither I nor the children would be invited to go along. I'd have to think of something to change Erik's mind. It would devastate Nicholas if he couldn't go. Nicole wouldn't like staying at home but it wouldn't bother her like it would her brother.

Once we returned home everyone had set tasks to complete. Erik went into his study to go over the accounts while I went into the parlor to lay a fire. The kitchen stove would have to be got going as well. Sending the children to fetch bundles of wood for all the fireplaces in the house kept them busy while I gathered what I needed to begin the evening meal. The water heaters would need to have the burners lit. It still astounded me that such a thing as hot water could be available out here where we did not have access to the gas lines of a major city. Erik was so intelligent and handy to have around. His mind never seemed to stop figuring out how things worked or inventing things on his own.

Soon all the rooms were beginning to warm. I put the chicken in the oven and placed a pan of bread to rise to the side of the stove. It would be ready to go in the oven in about half an hour. Peeling potatoes gave me time to let my mind wander. Naturally I found my thoughts on Erik and me together. I wanted him in that way again. I began to wonder if he had turned me into some sort of sex slave. Thinking in that vein let my imagination run wild.

A plan began to form in my mind. There would be a dance in a couple of days. If I let Roland occupy most of my time during the evening maybe it would spark some jealousy in Erik. Of course if he cared nothing for me at least I'd not be making a fool openly. I would simply resolve to let Roland court me. He and I got along very well and he liked the children. There were worse men I could pick. I'd rather have Erik but sometimes we don't get what we want and if this doesn't work out as I hope I couldn't live under the same roof as Erik for much longer.

Over the next couple of days I went out of my way to be especially nice to Erik. I cooked his favorite meals and baked all the sweet treats he loves. I do believe my plan is working as I have caught him several times looking at me like the fox eyeing the chickens in the coop. He all but licked his lips. I am trying not to feel conceited or overly confident but tonight is the dance and I have made myself a special dress, one sure to draw the eye of any man with even fair eyesight. It is a little scandalous but not overly so. It shows my attributes without being vulgar. If I thought I could survive the evening without fainting I'd tighten my corset more than usual to slim my waist even more. It wouldn't do to faint just when Erik comes to ask for a dance.

As I look in the mirror I am having second thoughts about this dress. I have never worn anything that bared my shoulders in such a provocative way. The shawl I made from an old lace table cloth wouldn't pass for anything other than what it was back east but out here it will look like something imported from some fashionable French establishment. Who am I to disabuse anyone about what they may think? I'll leave the shawl on until I gain confidence or feel the need to show Erik exactly what he is missing. Maybe a timely reminder will bring him around. I certainly hope so as I am tired of waking with my covers wrapped around me in a stranglehold from the wildly vivid dreams I am having about Erik and me nearly every night.

Turning left and right as I look into my full mirror everything seems to be in place. Smoothing my hands down over my waist I am happy with the image reflecting back at me. I look better than I ever have before and if this doesn't gain Erik's returned interest in me I must accept that he isn't interested in continuing with our brief affair, if one can call two encounters an affair.

Going to the top of the stairs I pause as I can see Erik standing at the bottom with his hands behind his back. He is turned away from me. Nervously I await him turning around and getting his first look at me in my finery. Nicole and Nicholas come striding over to him from the parlor. I have rendered them speechless as they are standing there with their mouths agape with no sound coming out. Erik looks down at them then looks over his shoulder to see what has gained their undivided attention. I am gratified when he nearly topples over backwards when his eyes alight on me. He quickly recovers and turns toward the stairs with his gaze turned up toward me just as the children are standing with their eyes locked on me. I am beginning to wonder if it is my beauty that has them spellbound or the impropriety of my dress which has kept them silent. It is becoming hard not to fidget under such concentrated study.

"Mama you look like a fairy princess," Nicole declares in wonder.

"Yeah, one of those from stories where dragons are spitting fire and knights are chopping off heads," Nicholas exclaims with glee. He is a typical bloodthirsty little boy and does enjoy adventurous stories and even ones with a fair maiden as long as there is someone getting gored with a sword.

"You look…exquisite," is Erik's contribution spoken in such a tone that it travels up and down my spine causing me to shiver in response. It feels as if his fingers have traveled the same path as his words seem to have gone. What that man can do to me with his voice should be declared illegal but I wouldn't change my reaction to him for anything, unless tonight doesn't go the way I plan then I may pray to be struck deaf in self-defense.

Even before I reach the bottom Erik has come forward with his hand held out toward me. As I place mine in his warm palm another shiver travels up and down my spine. If this continues I'll not be in any state to carry on a normal conversation with anyone. Likely I'll be following Erik around like a dog begging for a pat on the head from his master.

Mentally I am checking to make certain everything is in the wagon so that the evening will go smoothly. Blankets and pillows are in the back for later when the children tire. If they have a soft warm place to sleep Erik and I can continue with our evening. Everyone else with children will be doing the same. No one wants to end one of the few nights we get for entertainment. Everything I have prepared in the way of food has been safely packed in the picnic baskets. Lemonade is in the gallon jars already sweetened. We'll not be bringing any liquor but I am sure some of the men will provide that libation for those who wish to partake of something stronger.

I felt Erik's gaze return to me several times but I resisted the urge to turn toward him. I didn't want to make it too easy for him but didn't want to go so far as to discourage him altogether. The desire had been clearly heating his green eyes when he took in just how I looked in those first moments as I came down the staircase. If I had planned it I couldn't have made a better entrance. Perhaps I had someone on my side in this. I could surely use all the help I can get as a flirtatious coquette I am not.

When Erik lifted me down I don't think I imagined that he held me with my feet off the ground for longer than necessary. Perhaps he would have given me a kiss right then if Roland hadn't come to greet us. I know I did not misinterpret the scowl that wrinkled Erik's forehead in a frown when he heard Roland's congenial greeting. The children greeting Roland pleasantly as they always did, deepened the lines on Erik's face. Perhaps my task will be easier than I had at first thought.

Helping the women set out the food and drinks on the tables gave me time alone to martial my thoughts and shore up my convictions. My heart leapt when I saw Erik coming toward me with determined steps. Roland's voice behind me startled me as well as gave me something to scowl about myself.

"Hannah if you don't look prettier than the first spring flowers I'll eat my hat," Roland spoke overly loud it seemed to me.

"Well thank you Roland. How kind of you to notice me with so many other pretty young women in attendance," I nervously chirped out sounding breathless even to my own ears. Where had my determination to bravely carry out my plan go?

"Don't look now, but I think Erik is all set to do something not so pleasant to me. I do believe if he could kill me with a look I'd need an undertaker right about now."

Looking down at the table I began to rearrange perfectly placed items as I said, "Nonsense. What would Erik have against you since he doesn't believe you are responsible for his troubles although that belief doesn't extend to your men?"

"Shall we discuss this further while we whirl around the floor?" Roland looked over my shoulder and the smile on his face was not for me. He was sending Erik a clear challenge, one I hoped Erik would accept. I enjoyed Roland's company immensely but he is not the man I wanted to be with just at the moment. I could easily win him but my prey was a little more elusive and a bit more stubborn. I could push Erik a little more but too much and he'd likely leave me here to find my own way home and send word for me to look for another place of employment as well. Being a flirtatious woman one had to walk a fine line. I was using my knowledge of the children to help me deal with Erik. A lot of his behavior resembled that of a wounded child striking out at the world.

Roland twirled me around a couple of turns before he asked, "So is it serious between you and Erik? And don't give that sh…uh nonsense about being his housekeeper only. I've seen the way he looks at you and in case he didn't tell you I visited you out on the roundup and he made sure I didn't speak to you let alone see you. I was encouraged to stay the night but he made it clear I best be gone before sunup. Now I ain't scared of Erik one bit but don't see no sense in one or both of us getting killed over a woman, even one as pretty as you are Hannah. Besides I reckon you've set your sights on the man in any case. Tell me I'm wrong and I'll come a knockin' on your door all proper like."

I felt my face turning red with a mixture of embarrassment and guilt. I had used Roland shamelessly to get at Erik and it wasn't fair or perhaps even safe knowing how short Erik's control on his temper could be.

"I…I…well…" I stammered as my mind tried to marshal a coherent sentence. Taking a deep calming breath I looked at Roland's chest rather than his face as I confessed just what I did feel for Erik in slightly hushed tones, "I…think, no, I am quit certain I love him. If I didn't I wouldn't' have…have…well just understand I have deep feelings for him."

Whatever Roland had been going to say was cut off by someone grabbing my arm and pulling me against a male chest. With my nose buried in smelly cotton reeking of body odor it was all I could do not to further embarrass myself by having the contents of my stomach covering the man's shirtfront. Dizzily I was twirled around unable to see just who had hold of me. It wasn't anyone I knew first hand as I am sure I would remember such an offensive smell.

"Well, well if'n you aren't just what the doc ordered. Yep you suit ole Blackie just fine. How's about we go out back and get better acquainted?"

If his body wasn't enough to cause the nausea to rise the stench of his breath nearly did me in. I desperately pushed against his chest as I demanded, "Let me go please. I don't feel well. Please I need…"

"Sweetheart Blackie knows just what you need. I'll take real good care of you. Have you purrin' like a kitten in no time. Ask any of the ladies in all the whore houses if Blackie ain't a real talent when it comes to pleasin' a woman."

The image his words brought to my mind gagged me to even imagine him touching me in any intimate way. Again I demanded to be let go, or more precisely I begged. I had gone past demand and went straight to begging.

"Please…Blackie let me go. I really do feel ill."

What he would have said or done I am relieved to say I would never find out as someone pulled him roughly away from him. I was then pushed behind a massive dark clad back. From the aroma coming to my nostrils it could only be Erik. Greedily I filled my lungs with his refreshing scent driving all the nasty odor of Blackie from my lungs.

Something or someone must have pushed or hit Erik for he staggered slightly causing me to stumble backward. I came up against another hard chest. Looking up over my shoulder I met the grim face of Roland. I nearly sagged to the floor in relief. Truthfully if he had not been gripping me tightly I might have sunk to the floor in a heap.

I would have thanked Roland if he had been looking at me but his attention was on Erik and a man I assume to be this Blackie person I had been dancing with or rather the man who had forced his attentions on me. My eyes widened in shock when Erik's fist collided with some considerable force with Blackie's jaw sending him backward into one of the food tables. If it had not been against the barn wall it would have toppled over as Blackie fell against it with his arms thrashing about wildly. I looked toward Erik and my queasiness returned as I saw him wipe at his mouth with the back of his hand. The blood staining his hand had my feet headed in his direction. If Roland had not quickly grabbed my elbow I'd have gone to Erik and likely gotten the next punch from Blackie as he recovered himself then ran forward to ram into Erik's middle sending both of them through the barn doors out into the night. I felt Erik's pain as if it were my own when he grunted then fell back with Blackie on top of him.

Erik did not stay underneath his opponent for long. With great strength he heaved him to the side then rolled nimbly to his feet. If I were the type of woman to be impressed by such violent displays I would be very enamored of Erik's abilities. I am not one of those women, certainly not. I could not help but feel somewhat proud he fought for my honor. It also did not escape me that this display had to mean he felt something for me personally otherwise he would have let Roland be my gallant knight. As blows were exchanged I vacillated between admiration for Erik's skills and worry that Blackie might land a lucky punch and hurt Erik. I could see no one would be stepping in to end this as money began to change hands not only with the men. Discreetly several women were digging egg and butter money out of their bags. If I were a betting woman I'd bet a whole year's salary on Erik winning this fight. My question then will be has he done this to win the woman?

**A/N: Nasty author left the chapter with a cliffhanger. Just who will win the woman? I do believe that was Hannah's question. On to the next chapter for the answer. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Surrender **_**Erik**_

While exchanging blows with anyone is not a good time to be distracted by the woman you are fighting for I cannot help but try to see just where Hannah is. I hope I am not the sort of man who needs a woman to witness their brute force in an effort to preserve the woman's honor. Oddly at this moment it occurs to me that when Raoul and I fought in the graveyard not once did I find myself looking toward Christine. My whole being was focused on the man I wanted to kill. The man I am fighting at the moment I do not wish to kill but only show him the error of his ways in the manner he treated Hannah and that he did not listen when she asked to be set free. I do not care for Roland holding Hannah so close to him but at least he has pulled her out of harm's way.

A fist slamming into my midsection brings my attention back to the task at hand. I can deal with Hannah later. Right now I have a man willing to let me take all my anger and frustrations out on him. He may not have volunteered for this but he has unknowingly invited it the moment he laid his hands on Hannah. Recovering from the blow I straighten up to my full height which is several inches taller than my opponent. Giving him a thorough inspection as he stands cockily in front of me with his fists raised I estimate my arms are several inches longer than his as well. If I can manage to hold him at arms length I can deliver solid blows to parts of his body as and when I like. At the moment I am of a mind to play with him for a while. It is his bad luck to catch me after a few days of aching to have Hannah and denying myself that pleasure. Beating him to a pulp will not feel as wonderful as making love to her but it will expend some of my pent up energy as well as my unwanted emotions.

I am glad to see some women herding a group of children out the back door. Nicole and Nicholas are among them. Nicholas is protesting every step of the way. If it would not set such a poor example for him I'd like for him to stay. It may be unfair of me to want to win points with him in this way but a man has to do what he can when seeking the hand of a woman he…well damn it I'll just say it to myself. A woman he loves. I love Hannah and want to make her my wife assuming after this week's poor behavior on my part hasn't driven her away permanently.

Gradually Blackie's smile drops from his face as pain now takes hold of him in every part of his body. Wearing him down little by little he is soon staggering around throwing wild punches that connect with nothing but air. I don't want to lose the respect of everyone watching so it is best if I leave the man able to walk away if he is of a mind to do so.

"Take this as a warning Blackie. Hannah doesn't want you anywhere near her and if you so much as look in her direction you'll answer to me." His hand goes automatically to his hip but luckily it is a rule that everyone leaves their holsters at the door. One too many shootouts with men injured or dying after a drunken brawl and the guns were to be left at home or checked in at the door. I hadn't been bringing mine but I may have to get it out and start wearing it when I ride fences. I take a shotgun but a handgun is easier to get to in a hurry.

Blackie shoves off the hands of the men restraining him. I have seen that look he is giving me far too many times reflected back at me in the mirror not to know he is already planning my funeral. Pure hatred is coating his words as he spits out, "This ain't over, not by a long shot. Watch your back Delacroix. No one does this to me and doesn't pay."

As he stormed past us Roland calls after him, "Be gone before I get back Blackie. Anyone here who has any grudge against Erik can leave right now. I win my fights fair and square or not at all. If you side with Blackie come to the big house tomorrow and I'll have your pay ready for you. You best send someone for yours Blackie. I don't think I trust myself with you in the same room. I'll not ask that you apologize to the lady as I know there isn't one speck of a gentleman in your makeup."

Blackie paused in his stride but didn't turn around. Smacking his hat against his leg he stormed toward the door so he could collect his firearms. A smart deputy had removed the bullets from the chambers of both guns. They'd not have any spontaneous shootouts tonight to ruin the night any more than it already had been.

Having made sure Blackie left the premises Roland instructed the musicians to resume playing. The night was still young and there was food and drink with lots of good-looking women to take around the dance floor.

Still stimulated from the fight I strode up to Hannah and told her in no uncertain terms, "You will be dancing with me and only with me. Understand?"

Her breathless reply of, "Yes Erik" suited me just fine. I pulled her close to me, closer than perhaps I should have but damn it all it had been too long without her in my arms. I had just fought for the right to hold her. If she has no objections I'd be doing more than just holding her at the end of the night.

Everyone must have taken to heart the glares I sent toward anyone even looking as if they were going to ask Hannah to dance and soon no one even made an attempt to cut in. Hannah happily spent every dance with her head resting on my chest, at least she must not have had any objections as she let me slid my hand over her back in a manner some might consider only appropriate for engaged or married couples. I wondered if she could hear the rhythmic thundering of my heart. Hers beat no less strongly as I could feel it beating against the fabric of her dress. My palm itched to feel the soft smoothness of her bared skin beneath my hand.

When the strains of the last note faded after the last dance I set Hannah from me and instructed her in my best no nonsense voice, "Go wait by the wagon for me. I will gather up your baskets. Check on the children and make sure they are tucked under the covers."

Again all I got was a quiet, "Yes Erik." Would she always be this cooperative? If I were to make a visit to her room tonight would I be welcomed? Feeling residual adrenaline pumping in my veins I thought I might brave asking her outright if I could pay her a visit. To hell with waiting and making certain of our feelings. I wanted her and I'd damn well have her if she would have me.

I grabbed plates and stuffed them carelessly into the baskets not caring if they broke or not. They were my plates and I'd break every one of them if it pleased me to do so. Anticipating joining Hannah tonight in her bed had me merely waving to those who called out goodnight to me. I wasn't stopping to spend the next twenty or so minutes being socially correct with people who meant nothing to me at the moment. Only Hannah mattered right now.

Seeing Hannah waiting for me with that cheap shawl draped around her shoulders felt right in some strange way. It felt familiar yet she had not waited for me in this way before. I nearly threw everything into the back. I must have missed the children as neither woke to protest being hit by flying debris. I swaggered as I went toward her in my best imitation of the cowhands confident gait. When I was close enough that we could share breaths I took hold of her shoulders and pulled her toward me with slight force, not enough to alarm her but enough to let her know I meant business. I kissed her there where anyone coming along could see. I didn't care. Setting her away from me I inhaled several times to calm myself before I spoke.

"Now you will get into that seat and not say one word until we get home. Understand?" If she spoke to me likely I'd stop the buckboard and have my way with her in the grass irregardless of the children. Such was my need for her that I have nearly lost all control where she is concerned.

Quietly I hear her words drift toward me, "Yes Erik." If only Christine had been this…no, tonight was not a night for ghosts from the past to intrude. Hannah was nothing like anyone I ever knew. She alone had set me free from those old ghosts and ties to my past.

I wanted to whip the horse but refrained from doing so. Instead I set him at a steady pace. An hour traveling with Hannah's thigh and shoulder rubbing incessantly against me had me nearly frothing at the mouth like a winded horse. Lifting her down I told her, "I'll put the horse to bed. You put the children to bed." In case she missed my meaning I kissed her soundly then turned away to reseat myself on the buckboard. I don't think I ever unhooked it so quickly before. I only gave the poor animal a cursory rubdown but did toss a warming blanket over him. I'd give him an extra long brushing tomorrow.

Thirty minutes had gone by and I felt that to be enough time for Hannah to have completed all she needed to do. I needed to stop by my room and refresh myself before joining her. I debated wearing trousers or pajamas. In the end I opted for neither. Being harder than felt comfortable I would be going to Hannah's room wearing only my robe. Who would know but the two of us and I for one have no objections. I even gave a quick thought to leaving my mask behind but thought better of it. Someday maybe I'll feel confident enough to leave it behind but tonight is not that night.

Hannah must have heard my footsteps even though I tried to be quiet because her door whipped open just as I raised my hand to tap on the panel. The soles of my slippers only made a slight tapping sound so Hannah would have had to have been standing with her ear pressed against the door to hear me coming. What I see in her eyes is enough to have me stepping inside and closing the door behind me. Before I can move she falls against me with her arms going around my neck. Any doubts about my welcome are firmly buried as we kiss with abandon.

As she is tearing at my robe I am tearing at hers. To my surprise and delight she has chosen to be free of clothing just as I have. Time will not be wasted removing them and an added bonus is that I will not be shown to be less than nimble fingered where women's articles of clothing are concerned. It is possible Hannah knows just how inexperienced I am but I need not advertise that at every opportunity.

Once we are free of our robes I wrap my hands around her exquisitely rounded derriere. Pushing upward I lift her off her feet pulling her flush against my arousal. Heaven opened its doors when I feel her wrap her legs around my waist. Now she is open to me and this time I do not fumble or hesitate but enter her with one swift thrust of my hips. Her sigh against my neck sends shivers up and down my spine. Her breath is warm and moist yet it causes cold shivers within me.

"Oh Erik please do what you did to me the last time. I want to feel you moving within me. You fill me so completely and yet I still want more of you. If I could pull you inside of me I might feel I have enough of you."

I am so stunned by her plea I can not move. I must have stayed still too long as she lifted up then pushed back down. That is all it took to bring me out of my stupor. I need something to brace myself against so I move backward until I hit the wall. Bending my knees slightly I then use my hands to move her hips as I need them to move. At first it is a slow steady rhythm but gradually as her cries build with passion my own begins to soar out of control. Her panting and low rumbles from her throat are driving me insane with desire. I begin to thrust into her more forcefully hoping I do not hurt her.

"Oh yes Erik, harder. Please do it harder." Her words bring my own climax closer as I push against her with hard swift thrusts. The room is filled with our groans and grunting as our bodies work in unison to achieve that final plateau. My legs are shaking from the strain but I would let them lock into place rather than stop this pleasure midstream.

Burying my face in her neck I ask in a voice I don't recognize as my own, "Is this what you want Hannah?" I thrust into her hard enough to bounce her breasts against my chest. I would like to taste her there again but at the moment I cannot reach down without risking toppling over. That would not do at all. Something tells me that we will have ample opportunities to explore one another as thoroughly as we wish and it is my desire to inspect Hannah as closely as I would look at a diamond or thoroughbred I am contemplating purchasing.

A nip at my lip is her only answer. It is enough for me. I like our sweet slow lovemaking but this rough and quick encounter has its good points as well. That familiar tightening in my lower body tells me my moment is close at hand.

As I near the end I groan out the words, "I am close Hannah. I can't hold on much longer."

"Let go Erik. I am there. Oh God yes I am there." I feel her pulsating around me. Her head goes back as she lets out a cry she muffles with her fist. Her body is thrashing uncontrollably as she raises and lowers her hips on my hardened manhood. The steady throb is building until with one last hard thrust I release myself into her. I stifle my cries of completion against her soft neck. I am so weak and drained I won't be able to support the both of us for much longer. I feel as if all my strength has been slowly drained from my body. She is like Delilah cutting Samson's hair thus removing his strength. Hannah drains me with every encounter we have. God in his infinite wisdom made man so that he is replenished so he may be bountiful with his chosen mate. My bounty seems to be unending as only after lying beside Hannah for a few minutes I feel that beast between my legs hardening as Hannah lazily traces her finger around my chest. Does she know what she is awakening and is she prepared to deal once again with the beast she has brought to life?

The bruises from the fight earlier are painful reminders that I have taken a beating and then further stressed myself by strenuous lovemaking only a couple of hours later. If my arms were about to fall off I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from taking Hannah. I had denied myself the pleasure of her for too long. I wonder if I hint that I am once again in the mood to climb the heights to bliss if she might take the initiative and mount me as she had once before. There is something erotic about a woman straddling a man that makes the act even more pleasurable.

As her hand trails down over my stomach I can feel my muscles clenching in response. Her fingers are only lightly touching my skin but my reaction is profound and instantaneous. My manhood is ready to fire any minute as Hannah continues to work her way downward. Perhaps she has another idea of how we might bring about our climatic end to this journey. Feeling her hand wrap around my swollen flesh, I am assured that I will not be disappointed. With my mind's focus becoming less coherent I promise not to disappoint Hannah on this journey we will take together once more.

**A/N: This may be my last posting for a while as my surgery is Wednesday. It depends on how I feel afterward. I will be in hospital 3-5 days I am told. A long time by todays insurance standards. Usually an overnight is all the insurance companies will allow. I know with everyone's prayers and a competant doctor everything will be fine. Hope I can return soon to my regualar routine. Many thanks to all who visit here. **


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Sorry for the repeat chapter. That is what happens when you try to do something you have to concentrate on while not feeling well. As a reward I'll post a chapter tomorrow. Hope I get it right the first time. **

**Chapter Fourteen**

**Revenge **_**Hannah**_

My life at the moment is as near to perfect as one can get. It has been two days since I woke with Erik lying beside me in my own bed. Even in sleep he held me to him with an arm draped over my waist and his leg thrown over mine. I couldn't have escaped if I had wanted to, which I did not. At least I did retain a little of my senses as I realized Erik needed to return to his own bed before the children woke. They probably wouldn't come to my room but then children have a knack for doing the unexpected. I wouldn't mind too much if they did know Erik and I were sleeping together and feel it would give them a sense of security to know we were that close but others wouldn't see our union in the same light. It wasn't anyone else's business but as we all know some people think they are the conscience of the world and responsible for making sure everyone behaves as they think proper.

I am happy to say Erik's disposition has improved lately. He is whistling off and on all day. Nicholas was over the moon when Erik let him ride Apparition around the corral. Naturally Nicole wanted to do as her brother did. Erik persuaded her that she might find it more enjoyable to have Apparition pull her around in the little cart he had made for her. Usually a goat is hooked to it but for that day Erik had Apparition pulling Nicole around the yard. For such a grand looking animal he didn't seem to mind being demoted to a cart horse. Day by day Erik is winning the children over to him. Nicole I suspect had already caved in to his charms just as I had. We were two pathetic besotted females where Erik was concerned and he did seem to preen whenever we were around. It is hard to imagine someone like Erik showing off like a small boy but he does it all the same. I won't ever tell him how adorable he is for it might hurt his male ego to have me see him in that light. I could tell him I find it irresistibly attractive in a man when he lets his boyish side show through or perhaps it is only Erik who will make me feel this way.

Erik is troubled about the escalating sabotage to his animals and property. Everyone is sure it is Blackie and some of his cohorts but nothing can be proved. All the men have taken to carrying their rifles as well as strapping their sidearms at their hips. Grizzly has awakened us several times growling and barking. He runs off into the night but as of yet hasn't caught whatever or whoever it is that is coming in close to the ranch yard. No animal tracks have been found other than from the horses. Erik has even gone so far as to set up a night watch around the immediate perimeter of the main house and outbuildings.

Since taking this precaution we haven't been disturbed by any unwelcome night visitors. Shorty found a buffalo steak laced with poison out near one of the watering holes. It is suspected whoever left it there hoped Grizzly would be tempted but darned if that dog didn't outsmart them. He turned his nose up at it as if he knew something wasn't right about it. He had even been the one to lead Erik and the others to what had obviously been intended for him to eat and then die. Killing a person's dog out here is almost like killing a man's horse. Both animals have set jobs just as people do. They are important to the running of any ranch and as such laws are geared for the proper punishment of offenders to those laws. The laws are not ones written down but we all know about them and adhere to the rules. As a consequence of these understood laws at times the law is taken into the hands of the masses as we only have a circuit judge who makes the rounds to all the different areas. Sometimes it could be months before he returns if a trial in another town goes on longer than a day or two.

The slamming of the front door followed by Erik's cursing brings me and Nicole from our bread making in the kitchen. I enter the main hall just in time to hear Nicholas spit out, "Damn it. Damn it to hell."

"Nicholas Garrison I will see you in the washroom in just a minute. You know better than to use such language."

"Are you gonna wash out Erik's mouth too? He said it first." His logic briefly takes my focus away from him to Erik. With my hands on my hips I await his excuse and don't have long to wait. With his face slightly redder than usual it is distracting for me to notice that this is one of those adorable moments when Erik reminds me of a little boy.

"Well just because I said it you didn't have to repeat it. Hannah would not dare to wash my mouth with soap." His glance in my direction was not as assured as he would like for us to believe.

"I suppose I can overlook your trespass this one time only as I know what pressure everyone has been under with these nightly attacks." Erik's smug look he exchanged with Nicholas had me adding, "Remember this is a one time pardon. The next time either of you so much as whisper a curse word within hearing of either Nicole or I you will pay the consequences." I am sure Erik's tongue is ready to let loose a few very colorful remark but just then he catches my gaze and swallows whatever he might have said.

"So what has happened this time? Come into the kitchen. We can have a fresh cup of coffee and the children can have milk." When I could read a refusal hovering on his tongue I add temptingly, "We just backed a batch of oatmeal cookies this morning. I even added some honey to the batter."

"Well I suppose we have time for one cup of coffee and a few cookies." We both knew Erik's idea of a few cookies was nearly a dozen in one sitting. It is a good thing he is very active around the ranch as well as in the bedroom nearly every night to compensate for his sweet tooth. As I set the plate of cookies in front of Erik and pour him a hot cup of coffee he begins to tell me of the latest problem to crop up in an angry voice between muffled bites of cookie.

"We found more pieces of tainted meat spread around and a calf and mother dead beside one of the watering holes. Someone put poison in the water. Now we'll have to fence it off until I can be certain all the toxins have been removed. A good rain should do the trick but I don't see any signs of a cloudburst coming in the next few days. If I find out, well I know who did it but if I can prove it I'll be dealing personally with the man responsible."

The coldness of Erik's words and the fact that his voice was devoid of any emotion other than pure hatred disturbed me. I have never seen this side of Erik and I can't say I like it. Going to him I place my hands on his shoulders. I know what Blackie has done is almost a sacrilege among ranchers. Water is not something readily available and if one has access to it they are lucky and should take care of their gift and deal with trespassers with impunity. We have laws and even a sheriff but unless someone was murdered most things were settled between the parties involved. The law was more a buffer to keep things from returning to complete lawlessness of days gone by.

Wrapping my arms around his neck I lean down so my lips are at his ear. I whisper, "Please be careful. Don't sink to their level. I know this must be resolved just please don't lose sight of what is more important here. I love you Erik. Should anything happen to you I don't think I could bare it."

I do believe this is the first time I said the words I love you out loud. I couldn't make it any plainer how I felt about him. He would have no more doubts I am his completely. Some might think me presumptuous to declare my own feelings before hearing any commitment from him but with Erik I felt I might wait a long time before he would verbally tell me he cared for me without some proof of my own emotions.

Erik reaches around to grab me by my waist. He then pulls me around and onto his lap. Neither one of us seem to notice or care that two sets of eyes are watching in opened mouthed wonder every move we are making and listening avidly to every word we speak. Once Erik's lips touched mine I forgot everything but the hard press of his mouth against mine and the wondrous stroking of his tongue. If Nicole had not chosen to giggle just then the children may well have been educated in adult passion far more than they are prepared to know. Erik and I part slowly and I am certain the fire in his eyes is not anger. His hands squeeze my waist and his hips shift so that I can feel his arousal against my buttocks. I know I will not be sleeping alone tonight and for me the day can't go quickly enough.

Recovering our composure is not easy but we manage to do so. Erik sets me to my feet and calls over his shoulder to Nicholas, "If you're coming out with me to ride fences you best get a move on. The sun won't stop moving just because you want to slowpoke around."

In the months Erik has been out here his vocabulary certainly has been broadened. Before he spoke so refined and it sounded doubly sophisticated with his French accent. The hands as well as Nicholas have been working on loosening him up. I hope he doesn't discard all of his French traits as I find them fascinating and very stimulating when he speaks in French as he makes love to me.

I don't know much about Erik but I hope we will be remedying that soon. If I tell him about my life with Clayton and before perhaps that will give him the incentive to tell me of his own past. I have a hunch that Erik is not very open to letting go of his secrets. If he can't open up to me it may sting but it won't change how I feel about him.

Nicole and I go about our bread making and I see we are almost out of butter. I'll need to spend time at the churn this evening. There is a half gallon of milk left from this mornings milking which will render enough butter for a week if I can keep Erik to his portion. He is as greedy as a child. Sometimes I get the feeling that Erik has not always had the good things in life. His need to gobble everything set before him is an indication of deprivation. He catches himself before anyone comments on his poor table manners. Usually his manners are impeccable but there are times when a plate is set before him and some memory clicks in his head and he can't eat his food fast enough. When Nicholas made a comment at lunch one day I laughed it off as Erik's way of mocking Nicholas' own poor manners as he was shoveling in his food so he could return to the hands outside and their more interesting chores. I do feel that if the children hadn't been present Erik would have hugged the stuffing out of me. If he had maybe we wouldn't have gone so long denying how we feel about one another.

The apples I have cooking on the stove in preparation for making some applesauce is steaming the kitchen when Erik comes up behind me to pull me against him. I can feel his arousal pressing against me. That man is aroused by air brushing past him I imagine. Of course I don't mind as it is to my benefit. He nuzzles my ear as he breathes heavily against my skin. It is fortuitous I had sent Nicole out to fetch me some wood for the stove.

"I must go to town and order some lumber. The barn has been vandalized and needs to be repaired. I'll be back before supper. Is there anything you need for me to bring back?"

Turning into his arms I place my hands on his chest to look up at him with a welcoming smile. It still astounds me that I am the lucky woman to have gained Erik's notice. Always I had considered myself an average looking woman but Erik makes me feel as if I am beautiful and he does tell me I am. He has made a point of kissing me in certain places then poetically declaring just how beautiful he thinks I am.

"All I need is you. Come home safe to me. Be careful. You aren't going alone are you?" I can do nothing about the wrinkling of my brow as I imagine what could happen in town and he would be alone with no one to help him.

"Shorty is coming with me. Nicholas wanted to go but under the circumstances I persuaded him that the corral fence could not be mended without his supervision. He must hold the measuring stick to assure each rail is placed just so. He is a bit of tyrant given a little power. He is ordering everyone around but they take it in stride. I have not worked beside many men but I have to say these are among the finest. I don't trust many people but I feel I can trust them with my life and as I am learning there will be times when that very thing may be needed."

As I watch Erik and Shorty ride out I can't help feeling dread working its way up from the knot in my stomach. With Blackie's threats resounding in my head it is all too easy to imagine something awful happening. I want to run after him and beg him to stay on the ranch but know that isn't possible. Besides, if Blackie wants to get at Erik he can do so more easily out on the open range. I pray this feeling of doom is only my overactive imagination. I won't feel right until Erik walks back through the front door.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen **

**Bushwhacked **_**Erik**_

Normally I would not have minded if Nicholas came to town with us but I had to set my foot down firmly and tell him that this time it might not be wise for him to come as someone was out to hurt anyone associated with the Flying Angel brand. To save his pride over being considered too young for such things I left it to him to stay in the house and protect our womenfolk. I swear his chest expanded by several inches as did his height. I did have to caution him about carrying the rifle around. I convinced him it would be better to leave it hanging above the fireplace then he would know exactly where it was at all times and it would not hinder him while he went about his business. We both knew his business would be playing with the toy horses and soldiers he liked to map out battles with. Someday I would have to speak with him about his bloodthirsty attitude toward Indians. I am sure it comes from the tales the men tell of raids and massacres. Nicholas needs to hear the other side of the story. I am not qualified as of yet to relay all of the information but I am making it my business to learn all I can about the indigenous people living here long before a Whiteman set foot on this great continent.

Shorty would not have been my first choice as a person to watch my back but the others are needed to watch over the ranch and Hannah and the children. Shorty will do his best but he is of an age when his eyesight and senses are not as sharp as they used to be. I hope the twitching in my back is not some warning that trouble is just around the next bend. Because of my circumstances in life I have always had a keen sense of self-preservation. I get little warning niggles when something is not right in my world. I'll keep both eyes sharp and try to be ready for anything.

Town is busy unlike one would expect for a community so far from what most consider civilization. More and more people come here to settle all the time. I could do with less people but it is good for business. I am ashamed to think how my own accounts have grown with little effort on my part. I cannot help but believe my luck changed for the better the moment I set foot on American soil. When I met Hannah that was not immediately made clear to me but over time she won me over just as her children have. I even have a soft spot for those men working for me. They accept me at face value and don't ask personal questions. I give them respect and it is returned without question. They look to me for direction. If I had known all these years how simple it is to gain obedience by offering ample repayment I could have saved myself and the opera house so much pain and destruction. I could have employed those fools and made legal puppets of them rather than forced them to accept me as the puppet master.

Heading directly to the sawmill I pass by the blacksmith and livery. Blackie is there with several men. It is my bad luck he takes notice of me. I see him tap one of his cronies on the shoulder with the back of his hand to gain his attention. He points to me and says something I can't hear. Doubtless he is plotting some confrontation. The odds are stacked against us if he is planning on jumping us in an unfair fight. I count six men besides Blackie. Over time I have become proficient with a six-shooter but even so I cannot take out seven men. Shorty might be able to take out a couple with random shots as he could not see clearly enough in a rapid fire exchange to have time to find a target.

Shorty stays with the horses while I go inside to place my order and make arrangements for it to be delivered tomorrow. If it hadn't needed to be such a large order I would have brought the wagon and picked up the boards myself. As it is a large order placed on short notice it will take some time to get it ready, time I do not wish to spend away from the ranch. The feeling of some impending disaster is growing stronger and I find myself anxious to head home. With Blackie just outside and still feeling anger toward me it is likely there will be trouble. If it can be avoided that would be best for all concerned. Shoot outs are not something that is encouraged any longer. Disagreements are settled by the sheriff or the circuit judge when he comes to town. Blackie I feel does not intend to consult any peacekeeper or await any judge's decision. His problem is not so much legal as it is personal pride. I showed him up in front of everyone and he wants to even the score. I can understand that as I have gone through similar things in my own past.

Wanting revenge is the only thing Blackie and I have in common. I don't even think I'd take revenge of de Chagny if the opportunity arose. I have too much in my life to lose. I don't think I'll ever want to risk losing Hannah just to gain some personal satisfaction by getting by own back on anyone. She fills me with so many positive emotions that any negativity doesn't have room to grow. I don't feel as if I must compete for her attention even should someone come along and try to win her. If she wanted anyone else I know Roland would be happy to be in my place. Hannah could have been with Roland before I came into the picture but she saw him only as a friend. It is hard for me to believe my good fortune but I will not let that stop me from grabbing it with both hands and holding on tight. How many chances does a man get to find happiness in his lifetime?

As I come out of the entrance to the office of the sawmill I see Shorty is surrounded by Blackie and a few of those men he had with him. About three are no longer present. That feeling of impending doom is still with me and stronger than ever. As I come toward the group of men Blackie addresses me in a taunting manner trying to get at me with words. I'll try not to give in to my urge to slam my fist into his smiling face.

"Well, well. Lookie here boys. If it isn't the fancy pants freak. Thinks he's better than we are don't ya' freak?" As he speaks to me he is approaching me. By the time he has finished his last word he is within inches of me. The man must never bathe as the stench coming from him nearly gags me. All the years I lived like a mole in the ground I still managed to keep myself clean and my clothes tidy at least once I learned to appreciate such things.

I won't let his words rile me as to lose my temper now could put Shorty and I both in danger. Nothing would please me more than laying him out but with so many men to engage in a fight it would be better to try to ease away without fisticuffs being necessary or any gunplay.

"We don't wish to have any trouble. All we wanted was to place our order for lumber then go home. I have completed my business now if you will step aside we will be heading home." I spoke as calmly as my nerves would allow me to. Out of the corner of my eye I can see one of the men circling around. Before he can come up behind me I turn and backhand him sending him flying into the watering trough. Now if I could manage to get Blackie into that water we would all benefit from him taking a dip even if it is only water.

"Well now seems you aren't all peaceable like at all. Luke meant no harm and here you go and bust him one."

"I only defended myself. He was going to come at me from behind, a coward's attack. I merely shoved him away from me."

"A coward is it? Well now let's just see who's the coward. You talk brave let's just see how brave you are in a fair fight. I'll give you to the count of three before I draw on you. If you feel lucky maybe you'll beat me. If not I'll make it my business to pay a visit to Miss Hannah and comfort her real personal like. Always did have a hankerin' for that woman. Bet she's a wild ride given the right man between her legs."

A red mist of anger is beginning to block out everything else. Before I lose complete control I push that crazed feeling back and let my calculating saner side take control. As Shorty begins to say, "Boss, Erik, this ain't no fair fight. He's got…" At this point one of the men smash the butt of his gun into Shorty's head knocking him to the ground. He is not unconscious but is moaning as he holds his head between his hands. I pray his head is as hard as the men say it is. He could suffer a concussion otherwise.

Spreading his hands out to his sides Blackie states, "It's just gonna be you and me freak. Boys stand back. Be ready to buy me a drink in a minute. I'll take care of business, have a few drinks then pay Miss Hannah a long visit. Bet she's all primed and ready for a real man about now."

Blackie moves out to the middle of the street. With his friends behind me I have no choice but to head to the center of the street where I stop when I am level with Blackie. He has his hands loosely hanging by his gun belt. I can feel the sweat on my palms and a trickle of it rolling down from my forehead. I am fast and accurate with a gun but don't know if I am equal to Blackie. He has a reputation for having killed some thirty men and not all of them from the front. I wonder just how many men are on the rooftops with guns pointed squarely at me.

If I back down it is in all likelihood that I'll be shot in the back on the way home. Trying not to be obvious about it I try to get a look around and do spot a couple of men, one on the right and one on the left. There are a couple unaccounted for which I suspect are just behind me. So much for Blackie's fair fight.

"Blackie there is no reason for this. If it is an apology you need then I humbly apologize for whatever wrong you believe I committed against you." I know all too well what my crime has been. I humiliated him in front of everyone at the dance. Not so long ago I'd have been avidly seeking vengeance if I was in Blackie's shoes.

"Shove your apology up where the sun don't shine. On the count of three I'll be drilling you full of holes regardless of whether you have the guts to draw your shootin' iron or not." He spit a stream of brownish liquid that made me stomach roil in protest. Everything about this man disgusted me.

"One, two, three." The lying bastard didn't even wait until two before he had pulled both guns from his holster and started shooting. I felt the bullets whizzing by my head so close I would swear they brushed against my cheek. Dropping down and rolling to the side I begin to fire my gun that I pulled from my holster as I was going down to the ground. By now Shorty has recovered enough to pull his weapon and add his shots to mine. If we can hold them off long enough for the townspeople to respond we may have a chance. I am praying like I never have before.

Shorty is firing haphazardly as he can't take the time to aim. His eyesight is hindering him. It at least gives me cover enough to stand and get a better line of fire toward Blackie. He is running for cover now that the odds are not so one-sided. He hadn't counted on me being quite so agile of mind or body. He had thought I'd be frightened enough by his tactics to get careless. If he had known how many times life's deck of cards have been stacked against me and I survived he'd have been even more cautious and dishonest in dealing with me.

Just before he goes behind a wagon one of my bullets hits him in his shoulder. He drops the gun in his right hand. If he hadn't raised his left hand with that second gun I'd have let the sheriff take care of him but as it was I had no choice. I fired several rapid-fire shots aiming for the mass of his torso knowing I would hit him with several shots. Each bullet entering him jerked him backward. I didn't stop firing until he lay on the ground as near to death as one can be and still breath. He'd not live long. I should have remembered the others on the roof. Too late I heard Shorty's shout in warning just as I felt hot molten lead rip into my back. Falling to my knees I felt another bullet enter my back but this one didn't have the same pain as the first. Just before I blacked out I had the thought that of all the things I would regret it would be not having asked Hannah to be my wife. She deserved to have the man sharing her bed make it a legal bond as well as one of the heart and mind.

As I began to slip into a dark world I heard shouting from many people and footsteps hitting the ground in a pattern that must be from running. I hear many gunshots then Shorty telling me to hang on. That is the last I knew of what happened to me that day, the day I thought would be my last on earth. A familiar dark world had come to claim me.

**A/N: Hope this isn't too evil of me. The wait won't last long. Reviews do inspire posts. I have said this many times but it bears repeating, I don't make a dime from what I write but appreciate knowing others like what I create. Praise fills me with confidence so I can keep trudging forward. Not much in my life at the moment other than my writing. Without my characters I'd be a very lonely woman. I live vicarously through them. Every time I check my e-mail and see a review notice I get all excited. If I am on and hear the ping I check right away for reviews. It does get addictive. **


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Vigilance _Hannah _

My efforts to dispel the niggle of anxiety and keep it from Nicole proved useless. She followed me wherever I went with little furrows in her brow. Occasionally she would take my hand and pat it reassuringly even while she herself looked unsettled. I did catch her looking out the window several times with her eyes closed and her hands clasped together as if she were praying. Knowing what I know about her the level of my worry rose with each passing quarter hour and Erik still did not return. I came to the conclusion I'd take the buckboard to town and drag Erik home if I had too or tempt him into a tryst in the back of the wagon just to get him home safely.

The hands on the clock never seemed to move so slowly as they did while I waited for Erik to come home. I don't care if he spent the day in a cat house as long as he comes home. Well I would care but having him home safe with me is better than the alternative. Erik is not one to back down from a fight and if Blackie decided to waylay him Shorty wouldn't be much help. The townspeople would come to his aid but if the attack takes place out by the sawmill it will take time for anyone to reach Erik. I do wish I had left well enough alone and just pictured him with some loose woman. In the depth of my heart I know Erik would not do such a thing to me so now I am stuck with the alternative.

Grizzly's frantic barking drew me and Nicole outside to the porch just in time to see a rider coming up the road hell bent for leather. As he got closer I could see it was Shorty's old plug giving all he had as his rider took the reins to whip him into greater speed. Shorty would normally deplore such treatment of his loyal horse but the burning in the pit of my stomach told me something was not right. My first thought was to wonder where Erik was. His absence caused the burning in my stomach to become a churning pit of molten fire. Laying my hand across my middle I try to ease the feeling that everything I have eaten will not be making a reappearance soon.

Shorty comes to a sudden halt then climbs down surprisingly quick for a man of his age and physique. He gulps a lungful of air as the ranch hands come running to the front of the house. Nicholas grabs hold of the heaving animal and protests when Jim tells him to take the horse to the barn and walk him a bit before giving him water or feed. Of course Nicholas wants to know what all the excitement is about but knows he must also obey orders from the men just as he does me or Erik, regardless of his role as head cowpoke during Erik's absence.

"Damnation I hate to be the one to do the tellin' about this but there's nothin' for it. Ma'am the Boss ran into Blackie and a few of his men. Got called out. Weren't no fair fight I know for a fact. At least Blackie got what he deserved. Boss killed him sure enough. Just when things looked to be going all to hell, beggin your pardon Miss Hannah, but things were getting' mighty iffy then all of a sudden a few of the townsfolk came out a shootin' like they was fendin' off marauders."

He paused for breath and I wanted to shake him until he told me about Erik. What had happened to Erik? My legs began to shake and I felt as if they might give way at any second. I grabbed the porch column for support. This couldn't be happening, not now. Erik and I just started to find our way to one another. He couldn't…I wouldn't let him…no it was unthinkable.

"They took him to Doc Roberts and I headed straight here so's I could tell you what happened. Miss Hannah I know'd you'd wanna go to him right away. Soon as we get the buggy hooked up one of us can drive you to town. Don't worry none about Nicholas and Nicole, we'll take real good care of them. In the mornin', if'n their a mind to, I'll take 'em to town."

"No Shorty we don't have time to wait for the wagon. I'll take one of the saddled horses and we can leave just as soon as I gather a few things." My mind is already making lists of what I'd need and instructions I had to relay to the men.

I left without another word to go and pack a few things in my small satchel. I tossed items in haphazardly not knowing or caring what I picked up. All my thoughts were on Erik and the ordeal ahead of him. He may well be fighting for his life and lose the battle before I can get to him. Stopping for just a second I grip the blouse I have in my hands and bring it to my chest where it is becoming so tight I can scarcely breathe. This won't do. I can't be of help to anyone if I fall apart. Erik needs me and so will the children if…but no, I won't let that happen if I have any means at my disposal to stop it.

Leaving instructions for the downstairs parlor to be readied for an invalid Shorty and I head out at a good clip. It still isn't fast enough for me but I know to go any faster is to risk the horses falling and breaking a leg. We don't need any more tragedy to befall us.

The hour it takes us to get to town is enough for my mind to create all sorts of dire endings to this terrible day. Perhaps I think that if I imagine every horrible outcome something better will happen. I barely have the patience to wait for the my horse to pull to a stop in front of Doc's house before I am clamoring down then racing up the steps after flinging the gate open to his front yard. Once in front of the door I impatiently pound on the glass like a madwoman. I don't care what anyone thinks just now. All I care about is seeing Erik and hearing that he will be alright.

When it appears the doctor will not be coming any time soon I open the door and look about. No one is out in the front parlor or the side waiting room. Of course Erik would be in the surgery at the back of the house. Without stopping to consider I have broken into another's private property I head toward the back where I know Erik will be lying on a table possibly…Well I won't let that thought come to fruition.

I have to say Doc must have heard me coming and been prepared for my entrance for he did not even look up as he said, "Put on that fresh apron over there Hannah. Wipe the blood away as I search for the bullets. Keep as much of it wiped off as you can. I'll need a clear field as I dig around. Wouldn't want to hit anything vital now would we?"

He sounds incompetent to me at the moment but I know he is one of the best surgeons this side of the continent. He left a lucrative job at one of the finest hospitals in New York to settle somewhere with less violence and daily drudgery. He had seen the worst of what people can do to one another. Now he will know that it is the same no matter where you go. There will always be people wanting to show what power they have over weaker beings. Blackie had underestimated Erik. Erik may look like a refined gentleman but I know he has another side he keeps well hidden. Blackie had met that other man.

Erik is face down and it looks as if he can't possibly lose any more blood and still sustain life. Shakily I put on the apron giving myself a silent lecture on courage in the face of adversity. Erik will need me to be strong for him. This is one battle he won't have to fight alone.

Once the bullets are clinking in the pan Erik's wounds are then stitched and dressings applied. I volunteer to stay with Erik during these first critical hours. If anything changes I will call for Doc to come. For now I'd rather have Erik to myself. I pull a chair as close to the table as I can. We dare not risk moving him for a day at least. A thick strap is across his middle to keep him from falling off the table should he become feverish and thrash around. At present the mask is still covering his face but I know it will need to come off once he begins to run a fever. My stomach gives a sick lurch as removing the mask without Erik's permission seems like a betrayal, one I wouldn't normally consider.

During the night Erik is visited by what must be nightmares as he cries out and sounds like sobs come from him. Several names are repeated over and over but the one that sticks in my mind is Christine. The way he says her name is like a lover calling to his beloved. Jealousy fills me but I can't let it take my mind off of Erik. Later when he is recovered I may ask him who these people are but not until he is recovered and I know for certain he will not be going anywhere but back into my bed. I may be jealous but I am not a crazy woman to accuse him or rant at him. His past is his to share if and when we get to that stage of our life. I have not told him every detail of my life but then mine is somewhat of a thinner book than most.

As Erik's fever rises we strip him down and gently turn him onto his back so we can bathe him in warm water. Warm is better than cold as cold water could throw him into shock. Doc doesn't even try to remove the mask so I do so with trembling hands. I know he won't like having had his mask removed and now I can see why. My heart goes out to him as I brush a cloth over that puckered red skin of his right cheek and at the place just over his ear. Brushing the long hair aside I can see the mottled skin goes far up into his scalp. With the mask on the sparseness of his hair isn't so noticeable. Without it almost the whole left side is hairless.

I must be prepared for his anger once he begins to come around. I must show him that what I have seen in no way changes how I feel about him. I am not the most beautiful of women and Erik to me is quite a handsome virile man. Even with the distortion of one side of his face he is still an impressive figure. None of that matters to me. Erik is…well Erik is Erik and I love all of him without any stipulations that if he has an imperfection I will turn my back on him.

As Doc looks longer than necessary at Erik's face I encourage him to leave us once more. No doubt a doctor would see Erik's face in the light of something to study. I have heard that there are foreign doctors that perform surgery on people to change how they look. In most cases it is to fix something that is not right from birth or some injury sustained during life. Medical marvels are coming along all the time. I wonder if Erik has ever thought to look into facial reconstruction or even trying to lessen the red of his skin. It doesn't matter to me but it might to him. I'll love him no matter how he looks.

On the third evening the buckboard I sent for arrives and we carry Erik out to place him as gently as we can in the back. He has been semi-conscious for most of the day. He is still drowsy from the sedatives and loss of blood but in a day or two he'll begin to mend and then I feel we shall have a very angry man to contend with. I think I will send the children into Miss Hattie's for a week or so. She loves having them as she is alone since her husband died. All she has is her cats. Nicholas will want to stay so he can sneak looks at Erik's wounds. I'll not have him bothering Erik while he is mending. As it is I'll have to cover Erik's face with a light cloth until he is safely in bed and I can find something to fashion a clean mask. If Erik feels up to answering Nicholas' questions later on then we shall see. Until then I plan to keep a close watch on Erik.

With everyone buzzing around like busy bees it didn't take long to get Erik settled. Doc had sent home a sedative to administer as soon as Erik was in bed. The long trip will have caused some pain.

After covering Erik's face with a piece of white linen I let Nicholas and Nicole come in so they can assure themselves that Erik is truly on the mend. Their father's death is still fresh in their minds even if they don't mention him.

"Tarnation Erik sure is beat all to he…uh heck. Did you save the bullets? Shorty says any bullet that don't send you to your maker is a lucky charm," Nicholas informs us in a matter of fact tone. I am about to reprimand him when I notice that he has Erik's hand firmly clenched with his own. A lone tear falls down his cheek ridding me of any desire to be harsh with him. In his own way he is dealing with nearly losing Erik. Nicole prefers to remain silent as she brushes her tiny hand over Erik's cheek while she holds his other hand firmly pressed to her small chest.

It is moments like this I wish I could capture so we could look at them later and relive this special time. We are a family with or without the blessings of the church and God.

Seeing a matching tear trailing down Erik's face I shoo the children out before they can see Erik's tears. I leave for a moment to recoup from the dramatic scene. Erik doesn't need be crying into his wounds as I tend to him. I give him enough time to recover before I take in a bowl of soup. Being in a weak state he won't mind me spoon feeding him or removing his mask once more so the skin can feel the healing powers of the sun and fresh air.

On the fifth day as predicted Erik showed his displeasure to have his mask removed. The words he let flow out of his mouth should earn him a good soap washing session but as he is ill and his mask is such a part of who he is I'll let his outburst pass. He took turns hating me then begging me to return his mask if I loved him. Erik threw the bedpan at Doc who stood just inside Erik's temporary sickroom unable to contain his laughter, not at Erik's disfigurement but at the colorful string of curses in French, English and several languages neither of us knew. Erik did calm once he had the mask in hand and tied it around the back of his head. Doc advised him that it would be wise to keep the skin free of abrasive rubbing. Erik told Doc what he could do with his advice and where he could go upon leaving his house. Lucky for us Doc is used to disgruntled patients.

My kiss upon his lips I think went a long way in mollifying Erik's temper. Even while weakened from his wounds he had placed his hand behind my head so he could deepen the kiss. I had intended to only give him a light reassuring touch but he had other ideas. The fire in his eyes let me know he would be continuing this at a later date. I almost forgot he had another woman's name on his lips during his delirium. Mine had been called out as well but still…Perhaps it would be best to let things stay unexplained for the time being. From Erik's response to me I could not doubt the sincerity of his intentions. Whatever that woman, that Christine person had been to him I do think she is buried in his past and will have no place in our future, I won't let her.

Nicholas and Nicole had to be restrained from crawling up on him in their enthusiasm once he began to feel more like his old self. Nicole did not even try to hide her tears but Nicholas punched Erik in his good arm as he told him how careless he had been not to bring him along on his trip to town. According to Nicholas if he had been there not a single one of those men would have lived to tell the tale. We let him have his little bit of puffing. We would not disabuse him by telling him that if he had been with Erik likely they would both now be resting in the family graveyard.

Erik had so many willing hands to cater to his every whim I had trouble getting a moment with him to myself. I could not feel anything but happy that they all thought so highly of Erik. Even the men made a point to come in at regular intervals to report on what had been going on during Erik's time of healing. Roland came by and expressed his deepest apologies to Erik for having one of his men committing such outrageous criminal acts. He gave his word of honor nothing would be happening in the future or he'd hunt the parties responsible down himself. He and Erik had actually shook hands. I think Erik felt in some way validated by Roland's respect. Why he felt he needed it is not something I'll be asking him as I think I may know. It has something to do with that woman and what went on before he came to live here.

Day by day Erik grew stronger. He barely had the dressings off his wounds before he tried to entice me into his bed. If his bed had not been in the parlor where anyone could see us I would have fallen beside him at the first caress of his hand up and down my arm. It feels like a lifetime since we shared intimacy. The day he looked at me with heavy lidded eyes and called "Hannah" in that hypnotic tone I gave in. I pulled the drapes closed and prayed the children would stay outside for an hour or two.

I tried to be gentle with Erik but he would not have it. He too felt the strain of not being together in this way. I tore my clothes away from me not caring if they ripped to pieces. Erik only had a pair of pajamas on so he was easily bared before my eager eyes. It still amazes me how something so big can fit so well inside of me. As I move over his swollen flesh it feels as if he gets even bigger within me.

Pulling me down to lie heavily against his chest he groans, "I have missed this, missed you. I never want to be away from you again."

"But Erik I was there. We were not parted for more than a few hours."

"While I could not see you or feel you all I felt was agony. I want to always know you are there beside me. Let us move from this lawless place. We can move back east where everyone is civilized." Even as he spoke the words he knew they were not completely true or reasonable. He was reacting to nearly dying just when his life had taken on real meaning and purpose. I understood how he felt and also knew he loved this ranch just as we all did.

Sitting up astraddle his hips I place my hands on either side of his face. He has placed the mask back on out of habit, at least I hope that is his motivation. Looking into his eyes I let him see the truth shining in mine as I say, "Erik this is our home, your home. What makes you think we would be any safer in a big city with corruption and murder in the papers daily? Out here we know our enemies and how to be careful. What happened in town with Blackie is not something that is likely to happen again. It was horrible but we got through it. From now on we will be more cautious. He is dead and we believe all those with him have left for greener pastures at least the ones the townspeople didn't kill. Why would they stay behind to try to hurt you? They would have nothing to gain. It was Blackie's evil influence that caused all of this. Not one fence has been cut or any other catastrophe has occurred since his death."

Bending down I kiss him determined to draw his mind away from what happened. I nearly smile with my lips still touching his when I feel him growing hard once more. His hands move up from my waist to my breasts. Gently he tugs on them and I obey his silent command by leaning down so he can suckle one nipple as he kneads the other. Every stroke of his tongue pulls at the place between my thighs. I can feel the liquid proof of my lust for him pooling around his hard flesh. He is slick with my feminine wetness.

When he rubs his thumb over that place of nerves at the very top of my sex I nearly come apart. My groans are loud enough to be heard by anyone near the house. I don't care. I want Erik to hear what he does to me not only feel it. I began to praise each feature and to tell him why I liked that particular part of him. I didn't exaggerate or over embellish as what Erik makes me feel is genuine and needs nothing but the truth to let him know that he pleases me in every way. When I moved off of him he protested but I let him know I wasn't going far. I used my hands and mouth to pay homage to him. My words intensified what I did to him but it also awoke something sexual in me. Hearing the words out loud brought an even stronger response to every caress or kiss.

His flushed face and the glint of pride mixed with heavy lidded desire told me just what this meant to him. I don't think Erik has ever had anyone tell him that he is special or important in their life. When I took his manhood into my hand then placed a kiss on the tip he protested, although it was a half-hearted effort. His unrestrained groan as I closed my lips around him was all the encouragement I needed to do this special act for him.

Erik calling my name just as he erupted is the sweetest and most erotic thing I have ever heard. He uses his hands to pull me up so he can claim my lips. When he flips me onto my back his manhood, which had just released his pleasure was hardening as he kissed me. If I did not feel the hard length pressing into my hip I wouldn't have believed a man could be aroused so quickly after experiencing what Erik had just done. As he slips between my thighs he proves he is man enough to live up to his promise for fulfillment. Sinking into me he slowly flexes his hips. If he is intent on driving me mad he has found a very sure method of doing so. Out of desperation I grab hold of his buttocks and press him into me deeper.

"Is my lovely Hannah ready to reach the stars?" His husky whisper tickles my ear with moisture as nibbles at my ear then works his way to my breast. One nip from his teeth sends me over the edge so that I am bucking helplessly against him. At last he gives into my need and his own as well. He works his hips into a faster rhythm which soon topples us both into near oblivion.

Neither one of us can speak as it is all we can do to suck in much needed air. My heart is thundering and my body feels limp as a wet rag. I suppose Erik feels much the same. The opening of the back door then a loud slam sends me into frantic action. If I could spare the time I would smack Erik for laughing at my predicament with such enjoyment. It's all very well for him, he can play innocent by simply covering himself with a blanket. I on the other hand have nothing but my rumpled clothing that I grab up into my arms and make a hasty retreat up the stairs. I race down the hall to my room just in time to hear childish voices and Erik's much deeper tones in response.

That man will pay for his unsympathetic attitude to my near miss. Smiling as I wash off I don't think I will be too hard on him as I did enjoy our tryst as much as he did. Only one thing could make my life more perfect than it is already and that would be for Erik to propose to me. I know he loves me but it would be wonderful to let the world know how we feel. Placing my hands on my stomach it occurs to me that perhaps we should act with haste as neither of us have been thinking of any consequences of our actions. We haven't ever discussed the subject of children. I know Erik loves Nicholas and Nicole but don't know if his deformity will make him reluctant to produce children. I would love to carry a child of Erik's but it is not a necessity for me to be happy. I have two wonderful children even if I did not give birth to them. I'll do whatever Erik wants.

Glancing in the mirror to pat my hair into place I realize I may be getting ahead of myself. He hasn't proposed or even hinted that he might. Yes he had asked me to move back east with him but not as his wife. He may be content to live out the rest of our days exactly as we are. I can't say I like the thought of not being formally committed but if it means keeping Erik by my side I could learn to live with that eventuality. Sometimes we settle for what we have and hope for something better to come along. I'd be happy to settle for just having Erik as my friend, lover and confidant. I'll just have to wait and see what happens in the future. I am not going to worry myself silly over whether or not he will place a ring on my finger. I will enjoy each and every day as they come. That is good enough for me. If at night my dreams are filled with bells, white frilly dresses and exchanging sacred vows with Erik that is not something I can control.

**A/N: Many apologies for the delay. I began to run a fever last night and still with me today. Not sick just tired and achy feeling. Spent some time with Erik to boost my morale. **


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Redemption

Erik

Everyone rallied during my recovery period. For many days I went in and out of consciousness. This level of pain I had not felt in many years. Oddly enough I did not fear dying. If I could wade through the pain my reward on the other side would be worth any amount of suffering. Hannah and her children waited for me at the end of the dark tunnel. They were my beacon of light leading me through the darkness. Christine was at one time my beacon of angelic light but no more. I have a host of angels in my life and with God's blessing many more in my future.

I know there were times when I faltered but Hannah's voice always brought me back to the right path. I do remember dreaming of Christine but not having any wish for her voice to be the one calling out my name. The love I had for Christine I carefully tucked away in a place where pleasant memories are kept. Hannah is my all consuming love now.

Nearly dying showed me just how far I have come as I have so much to lose. Where before I had only myself to count on unless by force, now I have many men I feel safe calling my friends. Hannah and her children give me something I have never had or even believed I could have, family. We are a family. I plan to make it official just as soon as I can find the courage to ask and manage to stop stuttering. If I could manage to string two words together that made sense that would be a start.

I am fine when we are making love or just speaking of mundane things but let me think about proposing and I become a callow youth. It is very frustrating. Hannah is no help whatsoever. She gets this strange smile on her lips and her eyes soften with a look I have not seen before while I nearly pass out with nerves. She distracts me by twirling a lock of my hair around her finger as she strokes my chest in a disturbing manner. I suspect she knows what has turned me into a mindless idiot and at some point will offer to ease me down the correct path. Until then she is enjoying having me at her mercy. I can't say I mind very much as her path thus far leads straight into bed.

Relationships aren't something I have had on a steady basis and find it hard to curb some of my old habits when I am angry or frustrated. Anger isn't something I express often any more but Hannah assures me there will be times when even she will become angered. Nicholas warned me to cut a wide path around her when her ire was up and find some special way to say I am wrong and apologize. Shorty added his two cents when I asked why apologize if I did nothing wrong? The two of them looked at one another and shook their heads in pity I suspect. Shorty informed me I lacked women smarts but soon I would learn. Nicholas told me that no matter what the womenfolk liked to be right and could make a man's life a living hell if he thought otherwise. Shorty bobbed his head in agreement so I suppose he is the wisdom behind Nicholas' advice. His advice to me actually seemed plausible as from our short experience I have gleaned that Hannah likes to have her way in most things. Even when I believe it is my idea somehow in the end it is done her way. Knowing this saved me a lot of time arguing over the small things that are unimportant in the scheme of things but so important to women. I am learning more and more about that.

One day Hannah woke in a terrible mood. Nothing anyone did pleased her. I let her carry on without voicing my opinion one way or the other about matters. By the end of the day she came to me in tears telling me how sorry she was for being such a disagreeable person. Even then I didn't gloat. I let her get all those pent up emotions out. Hannah can be very creative when making up for being unreasonable. Doc gave me a few books to read after witnessing one of Hannah's tirades. It seems it is not uncommon for a woman to be out of sorts during certain times of the month. As of yet it is unknown what causes these emotional ups and downs but maybe someday someone will come along and find a cure. Perhaps one of my daughters. There is little that can be done other than drink tea, make use of a hot water bottle and wait out the storm. Not every month is riddled with hidden bombs. If Hannah's only fault is being grumpy for a few days once in a while I am blessed. Nothing she has done or could do can compare to all I have done that is wrong.

Feeling I needed to relax from the pressure of trying to make a coherent and romantic proposal I decided to pursue getting to know the children better. Nicholas seemed flattered by my complete attention. He is starved for male companionship which sounds ridiculous as he has so many men willing to give him all the attention he wants. I understand his need. I had no male guidance at all in my life and limited female guidance by Madame Giry. A boy needs a father, that one person who will define the man he will become. I don't feel qualified for such a responsibility but Hannah must see something in me that I don't because she encourages me to spend time with her beloved son.

Having spent so much time with Nicholas in a one to one situation I have learned he is a lot more vulnerable than he lets on. He is very sensitive to the pain of others but doesn't like to be seen as anything less than a man. What does that say about the state of things if a boy of seven needs to feel he is already a man? I shall make it my business to give him many opportunities to be a boy. If that means I must spend more time with him I won't mind in the least. I never got to be a child either and find I want to experience that stage of my life. Doing childish things with Nicholas will make it seem less like I am an unstable lunatic reverting to my childhood. I can pretend it is all for him but in reality it is for both of us.

Nichole wasn't so easy to figure out how to relate to as Nicholas. Little girls are so very different from little boys. I felt ridiculous sitting at a child's tea table sipping tea with a collection of dolls and varied carved animals. I must have done the right thing for she beamed at me when I pretended to sip from the tiny cup. I felt as if I actually grew wings when I ate a bite of the mud pie she offered to me. She beamed when she told me she made it with her own two hands just for me in her "kitchen" which is a small stack of rocks with a grate over the top. I only had to take the one bite and didn't let her see me spit it into the napkin. If need be I'd have eaten the whole damn mud pie just to get one more of her smiles.

The night she crawled into my lap with a book to read to her before bedtime I nearly lost my composure. Hannah didn't try to hide her tears but I had to preserve my manhood by swallowing several times before speaking. Nicholas teased his sister about being a baby needing a bedtime story but I noticed he listened to every word with wide open eyes filled with eagerness to find out the end of the story.

This family has given me back my humanity, my belief that there is goodness and happiness in the world. Through them I once again believe that some of that happiness should be mine. I am not condemned to a world without light.

There is one thing more I must do before I commit myself totally to Hannah and that is to write to Christine. That is a chapter in my life left unfinished. I don't wish to see her again although I wouldn't object to that. What I need is for her to forgive me for all I did to her. I want her to know I never did anything with the intention of harming her, I only ever loved her.

Because I have promised to be wholly truthful to Hannah I must tell her of my intention and who Christine was to me. I suspect I may have said some things while in delirium but not enough to do anything other than peak Hannah's curiosity. For days I went over what I should say trying to find the proper words to describe my relationship with Christine. Did we even have a relationship? I suppose we did not, at least not in the normal sense of the word. I don't feel comfortable knowing I must confess every shameful detail to another woman. What if she decides I am perverted or not…well not stable enough of mind to care for her and the children? I do worry about that. Insanity is not something that just magically disappears. There are times even now when my darker side feels as if it is just waiting to be unleashed. I couldn't live with myself if I did anything to hurt one of them. Of all people to set me straight it was little Nicole. She found me worrying in my study getting more depressed by the second.

"Erik may I talk to you? It's sort of important," she speaks in that sweet angelic voice that reminds me so much of Christine when she was a child.

"Of course you may Nicole. Please have a seat," I motion to the small chair I bought especially for her as she likes to come in and draw and color while I work on the books in the evening. Sometimes it is hard to restrain the urge to scoop her up and shower her with kisses on those rosy cheeks of hers.

"Now Erik this must stay between the two of us. If Mama knew…well if she knew I'd get a good tanning for sure," she peeks up from under her lashes with a look far too much like her mother's to be comfortable.

"I just want you to know I'm not as good as I seem. I have a bad person in me sometimes that makes me do naughty things. Why once I sneaked in and took three cookies and let Mama blame it on Nicholas and the men. Another time I broke a dish and didn't even tell anyone I did. Mama drove herself crazy trying to find it. I did leave the nickel I earned collecting eggs underneath her pillow with a note what it was for. I couldn't spell all the darn words so I had to draw a picture too. Mama never did know who left her the nickel. Does that make me a bad person Erik? Lying is lying and not confessing to something is the same as lying. Am I going to go to hell like they say in church" she says calmly despite trying to sound disturbed.

I do think that little minx is trying to tell me something without saying what it is she wants to say. Feeling her avid stare I look at her and say as seriously as the matter deserves, "Of course you won't go to hell. By the way I don't think Hannah would appreciate you saying hell."

"Yes Erik. Of course not Erik," she says obediently.

She stands up and walks over to lean against my leg. She pats my knee with a question clearly in her gaze. She wants to sit in my lap. Right this moment I want to run to Hannah and ask her to be my wife so I may experience many such instances as this. This sort of intimate contact had been denied to me for much too long. I have barely given her permission before she is sitting on my knee with her head resting easily against my chest. This feels so good I hate to move or speak and spoil the moment but I must continue. This is the second time I have had this precious burden on my lap.

Before I can compose myself enough to speak Nicole begins to speak again. "Erik everybody does bad things. The things I could tell you about Nicholas would make your hair stand on end. Mama told me that once when Nicholas did something that scared her. Erik, have you ever made someone's hair stand on end?"

How should I answer her question? If I am honest I may frighten her. If I lie I have a feeling she will know. I do believe that second person she has lurking inside is much older than what we know to be Nicole's age. Caution is the best tactic for the moment. I can tell her rudimentary things without relaying the graphic details of my misdeeds. After all I wouldn't want her hair to stand on end.

"Yes I have done things I regret but you must know I'd never hurt you, your mother or Nicholas," I hopefully declare.

Picking up my hand she pats it several times before answering. When she does it is more than I could have hoped for. "Erik we all love you. Don't you know that yet? You are such a silly man sometimes to be so smart. Mama never slept in Papa's room and he never slept in hers. Nicholas tries to do everything you do and I…well to me you are my guardian angel. I know I never have to be afraid as long as you are here."

I am trying to hold back tears so I can reply coherently when she continues, "So, what sort of bad stuff did you do? I 'spect you've been rather naughty but regret having been a naughty boy just like Nicholas although he pretends he isn't so he doesn't look like a baby to the men. He thinks to be a man you have to be tough. Papa wasn't and Nicholas felt bad for him. Papa cried sometimes when he thought Nicholas and I weren't listening. Mama would go to bed and he would cry. Our Papa wasn't strong and wasn't a good cowboy. Sometimes he wasn't even a good Papa. Mama said he should have never come west. Did you ever cry because of something that happened to you?"

What a loaded question. I want to hug Nicole to comfort her about her father so I wrap my arms around her and tentatively kiss the top of her head. Lifting her head up she frowns at me with her bottom lip sticking out. Oh Lord have I upset her and she is about to cry?

"Erik a real papa would kiss my cheek then maybe kiss the top of my head. I can't feel a kiss on my hair. You need to kiss me right here," she points to her chubby pink cheek. I am caught in the instant joy of knowing she thinks of me as a Papa and not just as Erik. I have kissed her spontaneously once before but not since that one lone gesture. I can do nothing else but give her the kiss she demands of me. I do so and she rewards me with a kiss on my cheek. Such a sweet butterfly kiss that I think I shall never forget it as long as I live.

Our intimate moment lasts for a minute or two then she pushes away from me so she can see my face. She wants to see my face. I do believe she can detect any lie I might try to pass as the truth so I must be as truthful as I can.

I begin with tales from my first days at the opera house. Of course I imply I am a boy living within the upper confines of the opera house rather than in the dark and lonely lower levels. Recollecting the many pranks I played on the staff fills many minutes that delight her. I even manage to speak of Christine's childhood and later of my growing love for her. My version is that Christine did not love me like she did Raoul so had to go where her heart led. I felt gratified when she called Christine a foolish girl for having chosen someone else over me. In her eyes I must be much better than I am in reality. I do suppose love blinds.

Carlotta's story and some of my antics to drive her out brought giggles from Nichole. I did not tell her the number of times I tried to do real harm to the woman. When she asked why I hadn't been on stage as one of the performers I let her think it was my face that kept me behind the scenes. Nicole assured me they kept me backstage because they were jealous of how handsome I was. I did not disabuse her. I did tell her how I played the role in my opera Don Juan Triumphant so I could try one last time to win Christine. Piangi I left out. I also told her that during the performance I cut a rope to bring down a chandelier so I could steal Christine away to give her one last chance to realize how much I loved her. I also admitted the opera house burned down because of my misjudgment. She told me of Nicholas' escapades with a book of matches in the barn filled with hay.

My story came to the same sad ending it had when I lived it. I lost Christine, my home and a life I had lived for over twenty years. I left everything I loved when I came to America but I was fortunate enough to find a woman with two children willing to take me in as one of the family. Poor Nichole took it to heart that I lost someone I loved so dearly. She only stopped crying when I reminded her I had to lose my first love to find the love of my life and the children I hoped to make my own.

As she finally left me when her tears stopped flowing I could hear her trying out 'Papa Erik and Papa as she walked down the hall. Either will suit me just fine. All I have to do now is propose to her mother.

**A/N: Finally got the papers from the judge. Some good news some bad. I'll be in debt for the next few years with most of my money being used to pay said debt which I wouldn't have if the ex hadn't left me with nothing and got away with it for over a year. Waited a whole year to find I got the shaft and it will be another year or more before I see light at the end of that shaft. Glad I have Gerry, special friend and my readers. Those things give me a reason to wake every morning and get through the day. Thanks everyone for your support. **


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Sweet Nectar of Life **

**Hannah's POV**

My poor dear Erik tried several times to propose to me. Each time he faltered and let himself get so tied in knots he'd never break free. Being a smart woman I changed the subject so he could relax. He'll find his feet soon enough. When he actually proposed to me I know it had something to do with a conversation he and Nicole had one evening. I wanted so badly to ask what went on but dare not ask. Both parties were tight lipped giving nothing away. All I know for certain is that the children were counting down days betting just when Erik would propose and they could begin to call him Papa. Wisely everyone didn't let on that everyone within miles knew of the proposal just not when it would take place. Finally he did and my world changed in so many wonderful ways, not the least of which I can openly kiss Erik now.

Erik being an intelligent man asked for my hand just as he brought me to a point during our lovemaking I would have given him anything he asked. During our lovemaking I do feel as if my soul lifted up and met with Erik's. We are now connected body. soul and soon in the eyes of God.

Erik thinks it is I who saved him but I believe it is the other way around. Without him I'd have settled for some other man and been miserable just as I was with Clayton. Neither of us have to ever be alone again. We have someone we can share our whole being with and double our happiness.

My Lord but that man has only to look at me to have me near begging to be thrown over his shoulder so he may have his wicked way with me. Things that should not stir my interest I now find sensual and tempting. Just watching him place a fork between his lips reminds me how those very same luscious lips claimed my own mouth or how they suckled at my breast bringing me to a point I would not care if the house caught fire I would not care to leave Erik's loving arms.

All has not been easy. Not by any means. I huffed for days when he told me about writing to that…that Parisian hussy he felt some regard toward. I do suppose it was more than just a man's passing fancy that he felt for her. After all he did give her a voice to be proud of due to his own talent for music. To hear him praise her it would seem she would have had the world at her feet. My sudden aversion to opera or any music from one is a result of my jealousy but if that makes me appear childish then so be it. I do regret throwing the little glass figurine at Erik the night he played _that song_, the one he told me he wrote for _that woman_.

Erik's surprised glance toward me made me feel very small but did not keep me from telling the lie about seeing a mouse just under his feet. I could see the doubt clouding his wonderful green eyes and felt a little shamed by my action. I will try harder to see that…that woman in a proper light. She is a part of Erik and who he is today. How lonely his life would have been without her. Finding the good in her and Erik's association gave me leave to like her, well perhaps like is too strong of a word. Acceptance of her part in Erik's life is more what I feel. With _that song _he lured the young temptress down to his home below. I can not fault the silly girl for losing herself in Erik's magical presence. I lose myself within his arms nearly every night.

Erik offered not to write the letter if it bothered me so much. I know it is silly of me to be jealous of her, especially after just promising myself I'd be less so in the future, but I can't help it. He shared something with her that we never can. My voice is pleasant enough but will never have people giving me a standing ovation. My pride stings a little to know he loved her first and went beyond normal means to win her. Not that I would want that but still it stings.

In the end I told him to write the letter with my blessing. The night I gave him leave to put pen to paper will forever be etched in my mind as one of the most beautiful nights we spent together. It wasn't so much the tender and passionate lovemaking but the quiet whispered conversation afterward.

Erik told me of his past in greater detail. He did not do it to gain my sympathy but to give me a better understanding of how he came to be the man he is. Some of what he told me I knew already as I read newspapers and found clippings Erik had collected and placed between the pages of a book. They were not hidden so I did not feel as if I invaded his privacy. Perhaps his subconscious had him leaving them where I could easily find them.

A woman from Erik's past I would not mind meeting is Madame Giry. Without her intervention who knows what might have become of Erik. He may well have died in childhood if some fate had not led her to that gypsy fair. Even after he had been freed she aided him. From what he told me he had not always been kind toward his savior or anyone else who came within his realm.

Being here with me and the children has changed Erik in ways most would not believe possible. I doubt he will ever forget the horror of his childhood or the wonderful yet painful association with Christine. It is not pleasant to even think her name but to say it aloud I do believe would make me physically ill. No matter how often I remind myself it wasn't all her fault I can't quite forget how easily she could have prevented much of what happened later once she grew into young womanhood and understood the power of love between a man and a woman or the love felt by a lonely rejected lover. Poor Erik must have suffered so much. It is within my power to heal him. Already my love and that of my children have begun to mend his once broken heart.

Erik couldn't send a letter directly to the de Chagny estate so he sent a letter to Madame Giry using my name as the sender. Naturally she will not know who I am but most people will open any letter addressed to them whether or not they know from whence the letter came. It will be shocking for all of them to hear from the man after so long without a word. From what Erik relayed to me the past was not filled with wine and roses all the time. I suppose those he kept in fear of him may still feel they have reason to fear him. It occurred to me that if someone who knew Erik now wrote a letter telling of his present life that may hold some sway with those who had cause to judge him harshly from a past association. Any reassurances I provide will be prejudiced by my love for Erik but I will be truthful without over embellishing Erik's virtue. No man is perfect and Erik is one leaning on the far side of imperfection but he makes an extra effort with his new family to do only what is right and good.

Erik nearly cried when Nicholas and Nicole presented him with letters of their own. Nicholas resented the fact that Nicole knew little things about Erik that no one else did so Erik made a point to have a man to man conversation with Nicholas.

Needless to say Erik did not tell every detail from his past but Erik admitted to some of his crimes but not the more grizzly ones. Lying and stealing is enough for an impressionable and somewhat bloodthirsty boy to know. They also know Erik felt an attachment for a woman in Paris that caused him considerable pain when he lost her to another. My own heart swelled with pride when both my little darlings took Erik's hands and told him that now he was with them they would be his family and their mother loved him better than anyone ever could. Nicholas even offered to seal the deal with blood. I do think the shock value of his offer gave him more satisfaction than if we had agreed to sign a contract in blood.

A feather could have knocked me over when we received a reply to Erik's letter. Madame Giry sent her congratulations on Erik's success and wished him happiness in his new life. She went on to tell of her life and her daughter Meg's. Erik sort of glossed over the part where she thanked him for the substantial funds he placed at her disposal. With the money she was able to procure Meg an excellent instructor and a lead position at a top notch theatre. A young man from a very good family has offered for Meg's hand in marriage. Erik's description of Meg is enough to have me giving thanks that he did not fall under her innocent angelic spell. I don't know if he realizes it but Erik can very precisely describe a young woman he claims to have spent little time with at the opera house. Her very sweetness of nature would have Erik at her feet if he had been exposed to her as he had been with his protégé Christine.

Jealousy nearly ate me alive when Erik pulled out the letter Christine had placed in Madame's envelope. He offered to let me read it but I don't wish for our marriage to begin under a cloud of suspicion and mistrust so I declined even though I wanted to rip it out of his hands, read it and then destroy it by fire.

What he read must have pleased him for although his smile held sadness there was also a look of peace about him. Several ghosts have been laid to rest and forgiveness bestowed when none had been expected. Erik may think of his past love once in a while but it is I who will fill his days and nights with love and laughter. If God blesses us with children our cup of happiness will be overflowing.

When Erik holds me in his arms I feel as if nothing in the world can harm me. We may have fumbled in our first attempts at lovemaking but Erik is fast becoming the Don Juan from his opera or perhaps the God of Love himself, Adonis. It amuses me to picture Erik in a toga with nothing underneath. My wedding present to him just might consist of two matching togas. Of course we will have to go away for a honeymoon in order to enjoy such a gift. A night in town would suit me just fine as long as Erik and his toga come along.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

**The Ties That Bind**

**Erik's POV**

Nervous anticipation has me breaking out in a sweat on a day when I wish to appear cool, calm and collected. Instead I am nervous and think I may look like the former madman I was while occupying the opera house. Everything I pick up ends up on the floor. My stomach nearly let me down several times. I know I have nothing to fear yet still in the back of my mind I feel something will happen to snatch this wonderful life I have built and will keep building. Nothing I have done warrants such blessings in my life. Whenever I start to thank Hannah for loving me she clamps a hand over my mouth and leads me to some secluded spot so she may kiss all my doubts away. Perhaps my newly aroused libido takes control wanting to have an itch scratched by a very alluring woman. I know once her lips are on mine everything else fades away.

Nicholas, as my best man, is responsible for carrying my ring. Dire warnings from his mother about losing it have led to the boy placing it in a pouch tied to several thicknesses of string. Fearing if he laid it down it might be spirited away he sleeps with it around his neck. I cannot fault him as I myself must sneak a peek in his room just to assure myself all is well. Even bathing did not give him cause to remove it nor did Hannah allow him to use it as an excuse to forgo his bath the evening before.

My Hannah is a very jealous woman. I do enjoy those moments when she compensates me for having those little doubts that are quickly dismissed leaving guilt behind. Well perhaps not doubts so much as wishing she had been the only woman I have known. She is the only one I have known in the physical sense and I am beginning to realize she is the only one I know in a mental sense as well. Every day we learn some little personal foible the other has that only we share.

Our moments together are so precious that while she sleeps I count her breaths. Each one is time we are separated by sleep. Gradually I let go of my resentment for time spent in slumber. Hannah convinced me that she dreams of me just as I dream of her so really we are not parted once our eyes close. It is silly to hold a grudge against something normal and necessary but I can't help wanting every moment we have to be spent in waking moments so we may horde every second.

An incident occurred the other day that does give proof that Hannah is in this for the long haul. She came upon me being sentimental about Christine's ring. Christine had written such sweet forgiveness in her letter that it did bring back those feelings I had for her only they were tempered with the understanding that what I felt for her wasn't so much romantic love as a desperate man seeking love from anyone and believing he could bend another to his will to get it. I did bend her and in doing so lost any chance I may have had to win her love.

Regrets for having betrayed Christine's trust is what I feel most now days. Of course I love her, what man would not? It is complicated to explain but Hannah bless her understands. She is the one who made me see just what it is I do feel. I have to smile when remembering her curses and tantrum upon finding me staring in what appeared to be a besotted manner at Christine's ring.

If I had not been so enamored of her beauty in the moment her anger overcame her common sense I might have feared for my life. I didn't have to say a word. Hannah's fiery fit soon left her and she being the smart woman she is comforted me while helping me wade through my feelings. If it had been me coming across her reminiscing over so much as a hair from some man I doubt I would have been so understanding and my fit would have lasted much longer and been so much more violent or maybe not. I have found that Hannah has given me the tools to feel anger and ways to deal with that anger without all the outward evidence of it.

Last night Hannah expressed her wish for me to sleep in the bunkhouse. All because of some nonsense about bad luck for the bride to be seen by the groom the night before and the moments just prior to the wedding. Tripe and nonsense fueled by superstitious idiots but whatever pleases my Hannah pleases me also. Thus I spent a rather cold and lonely night in a very uncomfortable cot. I really must see about getting new beds for the men. Happy men tend to work harder and stay longer.

Glancing at the clock the time is near for me to go to the big house. I would have agreed to the public wedding being held at one of the churches in town but Hannah wanted it to be held here on the ranch. She is a hard taskmaster once she gets the bit between her teeth. The front lawn looks like something from a fairytale. For me finding a woman to love and marry me is a fairytale and as we know fairytales end with Prince Charming and the princess marrying and living happily ever after.

This wedding will be the one Hannah deserved to have with her first husband and the one I selfishly am glad she had been denied. Trappings mean nothing to me so long as the outcome is the same. Nicholas and Nicole have welcomed me in ways I don't feel worthy of receiving. They have decided they will call me Daddy after the ceremony. I am a grown man and they brought me to tears. So many tears I have shed over the tragedy that was my life before that I do not mind these tears brought on by so much joy. If nothing else can turn a monstrous demon into a docile lamb love surely can for I am the proof of that.

For all her jealousy Hannah took it upon herself to write Christine a letter. I don't know what it contained but it must have been agreeable for Christine wrote back. Now they have a regular exchange of letters. I feel this has been a catharsis for both Christine and Hannah. How lucky I am to have two such women in my life. Both of them saved me in different ways. If angels walk among us then surely they are two of the brightest beacons.

Hannah must use Madame Giry as a go between just as I do but perhaps in time my angels will mend the breach between Raoul and I. On my part I hold no more animosity toward him but then I have had all this time to heal my wounds while for him it must seem a never ending battle. Madame has written to me telling me of Christine's inability to completely remove me from her thoughts. It is driving a wedge between the young lovers. A year ago I would have jumped for joy and been on the first boat to France. Now I only feel guilt for having poisoned an innocent girl's mind.

Madame beseeches me not to ponder on this matter too long as it may interfere with my own happiness. Wanting to be honest with Hannah I showed her the letter and she showed me a few of Christine's more recent letters. Mysteriously the first few have gone missing. I suspect they contained something Hannah felt would hurt me in some way and destroyed them while keeping those which contained the slow but steady path for Christine's recovery for her momentary lapse into hero worship for her Angel of Music. Raoul should be commended for not losing his head during this time. From what I have read between the lines Christine lead that young man a merry dance this past year. Perseverance won the day.

The hour has come for me to join the preacher out on the lawn. Everything and everyone fades into oblivion the moment Hannah comes around the corner of the house. Words to describe her magnificence fail me. No music I have heard or written can surpass her lovely glowing aura as she comes to stand at my side.

Words joining us as husband and wife must have been said and we must have given the correct responses for we are man and wife but Hannah and I did not remove our gaze from one another until after we first kissed as man and wife. Looking at her it is hard to remember I must breathe.

Halfway through the reception I had to restrain myself from booting everyone out so I could have Hannah all to myself. She being a smart woman made arrangements for the children to spend time with the preacher and his wife and I being an intelligent man paid the men to spend tonight in town with orders not to return until late afternoon tomorrow. If not for the responsibility of feeding and watering I would have bid them all to take a very long vacation.

Here now it is time for us to share our marriage bed and I feel nervous about what will take place. We have been together many times and in many ways but never as man and wife. The difference this time I believe is that before if I failed I merely failed the woman I loved whereas if I fail my wife I fail the person who holds my heart within her grasp and my very soul as well. We are now as one in every way possible. No more fears of lonely nights or days on end without a companion. We will grow old together. God willing we will have more children. With Hannah I fear the possibility of children less and less all the time.

I hate to brag but I do think there were fireworks lighting up our bedroom on our wedding night. I had to be the one to remind Hannah about fetching her children later in the day the following morning. She played her siren song for me to the point we would be very late picking up Nicholas and Nicole. When I told Hannah that the sooner we picked them up the sooner we could return home and as it would be getting dark by then we could have an early night.

We passed the men and had to bear their knowing grins. Hannah looked neither left nor right. Me, I looked straight into the eyes of each man and gave them each a big toothy grin. I left no doubt about how our night had been spent.

My life from that day onward could rival any fairytale ever written. I got my happily ever after and so did Hannah. God did send us the blessing of four children, two boys and two girls. Nicole thinks that God is a woman and therefore could not let the men outnumber the women. Keeping things even is the only fair way to do things is her opinion.

Watching them grow and achieve their goals is more than I ever expected to have. Hannah does not age in my eyes but gains in beauty with every passing year. Through her friendship with Christine I was able at last to win Raoul's forgiveness. We would never be dear friends but it pleases me that I shall not go to my grave with him still thinking himself my enemy. Five years of constant communication between Christine and Hannah at last paid off. Raoul and I are now freed from the last chains binding us to the past.

Whatever life has in store for me the next fifty or so years I can face with the certainty that I shall not ever be alone again. At one time I thought music to be the most important thing in my life but now I know it is just an added pleasantry. Family and loved ones are my priorities while music is a gift I share with my loved ones so they may see inside to the beauty of my soul and look past the flawed outer man they see. Hannah and her children saw the inner me early on and my own children were born knowing that whatever a person looked like on the outside it did not define who that person was on the inside. Tolerance and love above all Hannah and I have passed on to our family. Everything else is just added blessings.

**Finis**

**A/N: So we at last come to the end of this Erik's story. As I work on my original character story I am going to be posting more LND chapters and posting a story I wrote when I first feel for Gerard Butler as the Phantom. I had planned to go back and correct the mistakes and change the plot so it flowed better but have decided to leave it as it is so everyone can see how much I have grown as a writer. At the time I thought all my stories were just super and worth publishing. Since reading other's works and working more on my own I see what a complete mess I was. Since this is just an experiment I will post it quickly to get past the pain. Happy reading. **


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